Wen | cong is not from it
Some people ask, which is more conducive to personal growth, good times and bad times? This question is equivalent to asking, exercise or non-exercise, which is more conducive to good health?
We look at gyms to promote sports is health. But in reality, insurance companies' statistics on deceased athletes found that the average life expectancy of professional athletes was lower than that of the average person. Excessive exercise consumes life. Exercise and health are not linear correspondences, but inverted U-shaped relationships: moderate exercise is beneficial to health; too little or too much may be detrimental to health.
Toxicity is also the case, in the right place with the right dose is the antidote, is good for health; the use of the wrong place and dose, is the poison that harms the body. Similarly, both good times and bad times are good for personal growth, but they can also be bad for personal growth, mainly depending on the degree.
Excessive adversity is frustrating and pessimistic.
We've seen too many examples of this kind of slump. Some people can't carry on in the adversity of work and give up their lives; some people can't stand the conflict of feelings and choose to avoid establishing feelings with others; some people just want to lie flat and stay by themselves when they are young. When they want to do something, they think of "I can't do it" and feel stressed, difficult, depressed. A friend, from childhood to experience parental quarrels, grew up very desperate for marriage, this long-term frustration made him both longing for marriage and fear, unable to enter marriage, but also unable to settle for singleness. Both states were adversity for him and intolerable.
Similarly, excessive favorable circumstances make people blindly inflate.
Some people say that there are three major misfortunes in life, teenagers have ambitions, born into giants, and flying windfalls. These so-called favorable circumstances can make people misunderstand the world, exaggerate their abilities, and then make themselves lose their resistance in the face of real setbacks. Among the friends who received psychological counseling from the author, there is a very good student bully, who has won the first place in the examination since childhood, and who has studied for a doctorate in a prestigious school is the kind of "direct abuse" of others. Along the way, he felt that everything was very simple, as long as he wanted to do something, he could do it well. As a result, under such a mentality, his marriage and family were in a mess, and he was repeatedly frustrated by interpersonal relationships after entering the workplace.
Excessive adversity will make people form pessimistic cognitions such as "I can't do anything well", "my essence is not good", "I am superfluous when I live"; excessive favorable circumstances will make people have optimistic cognitions such as "I can do anything", "I can change the world", "the world revolves around me".
These cognitions, once formed, are sometimes difficult to modify. This perception is reinforced in the same context; it is ignored in different contexts. Once a person feels that he can't do it, even when he does, he will find reasons to say that it is lucky, not because of his own ability. Once you feel that you are good, when you can't do it, you will blame others, not your own ability.
You know, people will selectively pay attention to the events around them, and then selectively interpret the events around them, reinforcing their inner beliefs again and again.
The right setbacks will make people grow. So what is the right setback? The answer is that there are setbacks, but within the scope of ability. At this time, people will have space to reflect, train, and make their abilities stronger. "I can be depressed and fail, but not to the point of self-worth, so that it doesn't affect my view of life and other things." Psychologist Winnicott called it "just the right setback."
You can choose just the right amount of setbacks to allow yourself to grow. But some people feel that good times or bad times are given to us by life, not subject to personal will, how to choose? In fact, good times and bad times may be personal choices.
The environment itself is immutable, but you can choose a different environment. If you choose to talk business with the world's richest man, you experience adversity; if you choose to talk to me about business, you will experience good times. When faced with an unbearable setback, you can choose to give up, change to a relatively simple problem, and you will experience good times. You can choose to moderately reduce or increase the difficulty of the task to make yourself accept the challenge.
For example, climbing a mountain, the height of the mountain is unchanged, but choose to use 10 minutes to sprint or 1 day to climb, you experience the difference between adversity and good times. The right setback is to climb the mountain just within your physical strength and willingness.
Optimistic people will choose the environment, adjust expectations, and make themselves happier; pessimistic people will force themselves to overcome hard under frustration, and then frustrated to find that they can't overcome it, and then give up.
Many parents will use "frustration education", they think that letting children experience setbacks can grow, in fact, setbacks beyond the child's ability to bear, will only make him feel that life is hopeless and full of pain. Some parents will use "appreciation education" to make children feel that they are doing everything very well, but the result is often that children have a false self-aggrandizement and cannot see the truth of the problem.
A good education is neither to create setbacks nor good times, but to help children face reality together, encourage them to try to overcome difficulties, but do not force them, and give him moderate support rather than standing by.
Whether it is for children or for yourself, when you feel energetic, you can moderately increase the difficulty of the task and challenge yourself. When you feel a little struggling, you need to reduce the difficulty of the task and let yourself go. When the difficulty of the task is not variable, you can flexibly change the task.
The most beautiful thing in the world, I think, is three words: just right. These three words are easy to scare people, where is it so coincidentally just right, how to grasp this degree? Just right, it's a range, not a point, up and down more and a little less, no big deal, this is not scientific research, can not be quantified, all by feeling. So you have to pay attention to one thing in this world that is easy to overlook: feelings.
Do you know how you feel? Are you familiar with how you feel about yourself?