Chen Songling's mother-in-law in the recent hit "Mother-in-law and Mother" has caused great controversy, she does not like her daughter-in-law Chen Songling, and she is disgusted with her. And this dislike is directly expressed on the face, even in front of the camera, to the national audience.
She tried to ignore her daughter-in-law as much as possible, and when she couldn't ignore it, she had an awkward perfunctory expression, and she really couldn't be perfunctory, so she directly choked back a few words.
And no matter how Zhang Duo and Zhang Duo's father persuaded her, she was consistent and refused to say a good word about Chen Songling, and that kind of dissatisfaction, even across the screen, could be deeply felt.
Since its inception, Zhang Duo has always firmly sided with his wife Chen Songling and defended her everywhere.
Moreover, Chen Songling's father-in-law not only wrote a letter to record Chen Songling's advantages, but also reminded Chen Songling's mother-in-law at all times to treat Zhang Duo equally.
It can be seen that her husband and son like Chen Songling very much, why does the mother-in-law not like it?
The most fundamental reason can be expressed in a sentence in the book "Although the time is shallow, it must not be disappointed: let the right people be stationed, let the good things happen":
Many people in relationships, because they are not aware of the passage of time, but cling to the initial memory, expect to interact in the same way, for a lifetime, deny or ignore the two people, has long been a world-changing change.
Put on Chen Songling's mother-in-law, she refuses to accept that her son has grown up, is no longer obedient as when he was a child, and has married a woman she did not like as a wife.
She is no longer the most important woman in her son's mind, she has become a guest of her son's small family, and she can no longer "dictate" her son's life, so she will dislike her daughter-in-law in every way.
Author Yang Jialing, psychological counselor, writer. Good at combing through people's complex emotions with words, and giving specific actions and strategies, leading people out of life's difficulties and deadlocks.
By analyzing actual cases, the author helps you to reorganize different interpersonal relationships in your life, find out the real reasons for breaking emotions, and propose reasonable solutions.
Help you focus on the truly beautiful things, allow you to see what you really care about in your heart, find yourself and reap the rewards of growth.
Through years of consulting experience, the author has summarized a set of simple and easy methods. In just four steps, we can easily get out of the vortex of a relationship and get a relationship back to health.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="30" > first, sort out the interaction patterns that make you feel stressed</h1>
It may be easy to spot the pain of a relationship without knowing what causes it. Therefore, when there is a problem with the relationship we are in, we need to spend a little time reviewing and sorting it out.
Just like Chen Songling's mother-in-law treats her son and daughter-in-law differently.
The son chose Chen Songling, no matter how much she hated Chen Songling, she had to accept reality. Because she can ignore her daughter-in-law, but she can't ignore her son.
So, she divided herself into two, and when facing her son, anything was okay, and her son was good. But in the face of her daughter-in-law, she changed her face, and what the daughter-in-law did was wrong, and what she did made her disgusted.
She didn't want to see her daughter-in-law, but she had to see her daughter-in-law if she wanted to see her son.
She wanted to take care of her son, but her son had grown up and flew out of her arms, and he needed someone more than that who could fly side by side with him.
In this parent-child relationship, because of Zhang Duo's personal growth, he has taken the lead in leaving the scene, and she is still standing in the same place.
It's time for her to let go. However, she did not want to quit, and she still expected her son to rely on himself as he was a child. That's why she became what she is now, awkward, struggling, in pain.
(The figure originated from the network, invaded and deleted)
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="51" > second, think about the benefits of this model</h1>
In the face of suffering, our first thought is to eliminate it, thinking that as soon as the things we don't like disappear, life will become happy. But doing so can only be relieved for a short time.
Because for the brain, there is no good or bad habit or thought, as long as the matter can still meet some of the needs of the person, it will be retained.
If you don't understand the meaning of suffering and find alternatives to meet the needs that are vacant by removing pain, bad habits or ideas will still come back.
Just like Chen Songling's mother-in-law had to accept her daughter-in-law because of her son's choice. Her son had his own home, and she had to quit his son's world and let go of him.
However, she did not want to quit and did not like her daughter-in-law. Her heart is very painful, very awkward, she split her feelings for her son and daughter-in-law, with the help of the split to alleviate this pain, to find an outlet to vent.
Show maternal love to your son as if he still needed her as a child. Ignoring the daughter-in-law, as if the son still did not go against her wishes, and married this woman she did not like, she was still the most important woman in the son's heart.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="68" > third, find out what each other really wants to meet</h1>
Beliefs, though constrained, also have their existential value, and the two are mutually exclusive. With this understanding, we will know what needs to be retained, and which is actually a burden that can be discarded.
As teacher Wu Zhihong once said: The best gift that parents can give to their children is love and freedom.
Chen Songling's mother-in-law loves Zhang Duo and also respects Zhang Duo's choice. She gave her son freedom, but she was afraid of losing him, afraid that his son would fly away like a kite with a broken string, and she would never need her again.
For example, the matter of marrying a wife, she felt that her son was particularly excellent, Chen Songling was not worthy of him, she let him choose by himself, but he chose one that made him dissatisfied, she felt that her son was deceived, so she could not really let go.
After Zhang Duo got married, he always told her that her wife was the master and the first, and she was only a guest of their family.
She felt abandoned by her son, wanted to grab him, wanted to have a place in his world. The son can also do the opposite, understanding and respecting her. Instead of ignoring her objections, marrying a woman she doesn't like makes her have to accept it bitterly.
In this parent-child relationship, Zhang Duo is happy, he took the lead in growing up, and left, and also got the freedom he wanted.
His mother had no way to intervene, only to accept, he did not understand his mother's pain, always thinking that he was happy, and his mother should also bless him happily.
They are both eager to turn each other into what they want without thinking about what the other person really wants.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="91" > fourth, reset with a new angle, to achieve a new balance</h1>
Once we've found the true core expectation, we can think about ways to meet that need.
Since Zhang Duo's mother agreed to Zhang Duo's choice, then she should try to accept the reality, rather than struggling bitterly, it is better to be open-minded and accept, life is not only perfect is happiness, there is no happiness of children and grandchildren around the knees, but it is also good to have a kind daughter-in-law.
What's more, for a woman, children are not the most important, the spouse is, after all, it is her spouse who accompanies her to old age.
Zhang Duo was anxious to get out of his mother's arms, making her mother lose her sense of security.
He should always look back at his mother, give more companionship, more understanding, let her mother understand that the thread of blood is always tied to himself, and that end is tied to his parents.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="107" > summary</h1>
All love in the world is for the sake of being together, but the love of parents is for separation. This separation is painful, except that some people come out and some people wait there.
In the depths of her heart, she could not accept that her child had grown up and had her own family, and in that family, she was just a guest.
"Time is shallow, but it must not be disappointed: let the right people in, let the good things happen" allows us to face up to the problematic relationship and learn how to deal with it.
At this time, we need to help our parents and give them enough security to understand that pain and happiness are not necessarily two distant ends, and sometimes, just one turn around, you can find the entrance to happiness.