The dilapidated sunset left a mottled figure on the broken house, and the climbing tiger struggled the wall until it struggled into the darkness. At night, a cold wind blew in my eyes, so that I could not see the end of the story.
A
Caiyun and I met in the last year of high school, from the first time I saw her I began to like her, but in the tense study I did not dare to confide in my heart, can only be far away, looking at her learning posture, speculating on her mood, I will be more nervous when she frowns, when she smiles like a flower, I will also bend the corner of my mouth.
High school life didn't stop because I missed it, and in July and August, we shook away a memory that wasn't a memory on campus where we didn't say a word to each other. I couldn't get out of high school life for many days in college, got used to looking up to her every day, got used to it, and saw you approaching and walking away in my eyes...
How many of the seemingly fortuitous things were deliberately arranged? It's like I added your QQ number.
She said, "How could you add me?" I think very few people in my class will know me. ”
Looking at the message she replied, my face was filled with happiness. I wanted to say to her, "I know you're a quiet girl, but you know what? When will I dare to put you out of my eyes, where you don't know, there is always a boy, silently paying attention to you, in order to find your QQ, how many times does that boy call others to ask?
But I didn't say, no matter what, I actually knew you, do you know how much I did for this moment? No, you don't understand. I want to imagine your smile in a world with your voice, imagine the frown you once had. If that's the case, how happy I should be. You say you are in Luoyang, and I imagine the city in my mind, imagining you blooming in the wind like a peony flower. What kind of scene is that? In front of the Big Buddha in Luoyang Longmen Grottoes, the quiet you are like a revered Guanyin, and I always feel that you do not eat human fireworks. Once upon a time, in my eyes, Luoyang also began to become sacred, not because it is the ancient capital of the Nine Dynasties, but there is my beloved you, thinking of you, has become a bright red cinnabar in the heart, born and born, never faded. It's just that you won't understand how much pain I'm suffering in the middle of the night, how many times I've tossed and turned, but I have no regrets. Looking forward to every encounter with you, how is the cycle of life and death? But the sky of another city, the sunset like you, light blue, just the melancholy of loneliness when I think of you. Love and hate are also leisurely, for you, I am unforgettable, but I have not touched...
AA
On your birthday, I happened to experience a painful parting, when I stared at my cousin, who had lived at my house for more than two years, for the last time. The sky was gray, I got up early, washed the face of the tears that had been pouring all night, after all, I was weak, I could not withstand the stumbling of fate, I was afraid that such a distinction would appear in your story and mine.
This day is your birthday, I didn't even care about eating, I turned back to my hometown from Zhengzhou, buried the sadness quietly in my heart, and replaced it with a smile, you know? I don't want to see your birthday half flawed.
Maybe I'm too introverted to get around your group of sisters, maybe I don't know how to express my passion and desire, but that day, as if in someone else's movie, I was just an audience member. I hate my own introversion, I always blush unconsciously when I see strange girls, especially you, under the aura of a princess, I am even more worshipped.
But time always cut corners in front of the things I cherish most, and I didn't have time to hold your hand, you've already gone far, but ah, you know? Even a tenth of a second is enough time for me to put you in my heart.
After you left, I walked to the campus where we met in high school, on that ancient palm tree, affectionately engraved your name, with sharp glass across my fingers, let my blood with your name, stroke by stroke flow, fiery and bright red collision you will not see, such a flow is not flowing in my heart?
In the summer vacation of my freshman year, I went to Shanghai, and in just two months, I dreamed of you countless times in my dreams, dreaming of the girl who made me fall in love. But you know what? I went to Shanghai just to escape, to escape the fact that you are already in love. Do you remember May? The peony blossoms in May are the season I yearn for, the peony in Luoyang, why don't I want to perform a love between you in the peony blossom bush?
With enough courage, I stepped on the train west to Luoyang.
Tomorrow is my birthday, do you remember? Would you like to hold hands with me in a bush of peonies? Will you listen to me write you poems and play the piano? ...... However, I did not know that on my birthday, you went to Longtan Gorge with a boy. Yes, you're in love, you're in love. I turned my way to Pingding Mountain. When the peony flowers fall, they do not slowly wither, but fall to the ground one by one, like my broken heart, peeling off layer by layer. In the sparkling light of the water of Pingxi Lake, how I hope to be able to slowly submerge my body into the cold lake water, instead of living in pain, it is better to die in pain, but ah, this lake spring water, how can it be worth the flow of acacia in my heart?
Standing on the upper floor of the Engineering College Library, there is always a force to encourage me to jump, but will you really jump down and look at me? When I look beyond recognition, when blood bleeds from my desperate eyes, you will only let me see the darkness that you can't see, feel the coldness that you can't feel. But if I survive, I can only use my life to interpret a desperate wait, a humble wait... Shanghai's blossoming cherry blossoms are raining, why do you still appear in my dreams, during the day I always think of you painfully, but dreams still make me afraid...
AAA
When I got back to school, my life suddenly became unusually calm, until I received the winning message at the National Essay Writers Competition. I sent you this good news for the first time, but you just simply "Oh" and there is nothing else to say, and there is a long wait for your affirmation and encouragement, you know? Without your affirmation, I always thought that my life was not successful. Without you, what is the point of success?
At night, I called you, and you were still looking like I was ignoring it, and I was really tired, really, and wanted to give up. Casually tore the invitation letter on the table to join the Essay Writers Association. Five hundred times in the past life, I looked back and smiled, in exchange for passing by you in this life, and the moment I looked back, I just remembered the shadow of your farewell with tears...
Broken, the dew that suddenly spread out on the broken stem of the flower approached the last song of life, a slender poignant beauty that could not be finer, and the sharp thorn pierced into my pupils. Love is a glass of poisonous wine, and the infatuated person just drinks this poisonous wine without scruples. By then you and your boyfriend were already in love, and I just kept my word, waiting, waiting in the dark.
AAAA
In my last year of college, I couldn't wait to leave school, that summer, you told me you were in Shanghai, you and your boyfriend were in Shanghai. How I wish I could swap this year with last year's summer so that I could see you, and how I was afraid of this year's summer and last year's summer, and I was afraid of meeting you and his happiness.
I threw away my cell phone number and started trying not to contact anyone, during which time I went to factories, stayed at newspapers, and finally found my own place of security in a private company. This is a cosmetics company, and the chairman here is a devout Buddhist, because it involves work, many times she will talk to me, and over time, my mind is also climbing towards the realm of Zen. I like my life now, I usually go to work, write at night, and occasionally watch movies, chat with friends, or it is a kind of tranquility.
My heart slowly regained its calm, and only occasionally I remembered you, remembered the contacts I had had, and thought of your smile. But I don't love anymore, fireworks of love can't resist the wash of time, love, hate, wait, now I can only choose to forget. Even if there is love in the world, even if there have been tears for that person, but the moment when love wants to rise, still choose to say no, refuse, just because of the sublimation of the soul...
Author: Yuzhi Jiangfan
Third Prize of the 2010 National Essayist Competition, 2012 American Columnist, Brand Designer, Strategic Planner. He has written poems such as "Tonight, Quietly Compose a Piano Tune", "Love for the Aegean Sea", "Scenery of the Four Seasons", "Maple Leaves", "Chicken Gongshan in the Rain", "I Am a Song Under Your Moon", etc.; essays "Peach Blossom Festival", "Flowers on the Other Side", "Time Is Gone, The Old People Are Fragrant", "I Am the Peach Blossom in Spring, Water Lilies in Midsummer", "Winter Town", etc.; the novel "Advertising Defense War" and "Divine Knowledge of the Continent".