I inadvertently browsed the topic post that "Zhihu" saw, and the comments at the bottom resonated deeply with me, so I decided to start writing about this topic.
All sentient beings
The "Darkest Hour" in the Eyes
01. Facing 'Death'
❶
"16 years of marriage, a month later the husband died unexpectedly, the baby in the belly is only more than 4 months, people try to restrain themselves from crying, crying when alone can not shed tears, have thought about suicide several times, it is the unborn baby that supports me until now."
❷
"On February 1st, which happened to be the fourth day of the Chinese New Year, my good girlfriend died in a car accident; on March 21, my first love boyfriend died of illness... In my memory, I would cry almost every day for those three months, go to sleep when I was tired of crying, and cry again when I woke up. “
❸
"The only time I let myself despair to the end was watching my mother die in the first year of junior high school, that hysterical despair, when I really felt helpless and watched her leave."
❹
"Standing tall, unmarried and unemployed, ordinary two books, rotten professional, no skill, fat, I thought this was the darkest moment, God and God put a cancer card for me." 」
02
. Facing 'Money'
"With debts of more than 300,000 yuan, there was a period of time when it was impossible to pay off debts on a monthly basis; life was in dire straits. Every day I think about how to spend tomorrow, and there are endless harassing phone calls and can't turn off. It sucked, but it kept going. ”
"The doctor did not get in, the ex-boyfriend who was in love for three years cheated after studying abroad, and his father fell from the scaffolding of the construction site, pushed the house price, compared the salary, and found that he was far from buying a house."
03
. Facing the Relationship
"At that time, I felt that the sky was gray, no one around me could and was willing to help you, and I felt deeply powerless and helpless about life."
"I feel that my life is particularly failed, I have not been in love at the age of thirty, no one likes, I can't marry out, and what is more failed is that I am too timid to commit suicide, I am afraid that my parents are sad, I really can't see a little hope for life, I am struggling every day, I want to die and want to live, it is really painful." 」
Come over and talk
The experience of "desperate times"
『Self-help』
Surviving is victory
"Dead shoulders, carrying on the shoulders is used to, from the night of despair, to the morning of hope, time will change everything." 」
"Let yourself be decadent and negative for a while, sad and desperate days to let yourself indulge in heartache can not help yourself, and then, in a certain morning of a certain day, suddenly wake up, open your eyes to see how beautiful the world is outside the window, and then start again..."
Replace resentment with action
"Do the ideological work for yourself, think clearly about what the direction is, what should be done, what the risks are, what the worst will happen, and whether it is worth it."
"I myself have carefully read more than 100 books in three years, spent thousands of hours, analyzed more than 300,000 words of notes, studied society, relationships, communication, psychology, and the workplace, spent a lot of time reviewing my own experiences, decisions and choices, and temporarily alleviated the anxiety of the outside world with high-intensity thinking, until I completely figured everything out."
Find hope in despair
"What has sustained me through the most debauched moments of my life is to take a future goal as my belief. You must not fall down until you achieve this goal. ”
"Divide life into parts. At least two parts: family, work. When the family is not going well, pay more attention and energy to work; when the work is not going well, the reverse is the opposite. ”
Zero mentality, everything starts from scratch
"Empty yourself, lower yourself, just like people who have not studied or gone to college, starting from the lowest work, washing dishes or sweeping the street, doing it first, you will have a day's salary for a day, and every day you will be buried in the dormitory waiting for you only emptiness." 」
Accept your imperfect self
"Let him go, I thought, you can do this, you can do it badly, you can doubt yourself as much as you want, you can be invincible and sensitive, it doesn't matter." Because: things will be reversed, will pass, I also hope that I will be at that stage, hard, hard thinking, think clearly. The next time you encounter this state of mind, you will handle it better, and the mood will not be so bad. ”
『Tasuke』
The hardest times are with you, the power to support the system
"I met a group of friends and a close person who could heal each other with my heart, and gradually, I survived."
That professional "seeing" and "companionship" made me see hope
"When I was at the bottom of the valley inside, when the people around me were puzzled and said that I was a glass heart, it was my psychological counselor who accompanied me to feel the loneliness at the bottom of the valley, feel the pain, and then climbed up with me a little bit."
"Coaches always make me think from a whole new perspective, making me aware of my irrational way of thinking and unhealthy coping styles."
"Doing psychological counseling, the teacher's spring wind and rain language and hearty laughter melted my heart little by little. I felt seen, understood, heard, wrapped, warmed. At the time when I was the most confused and helpless in my life, I couldn't even help my family, I saw the teacher stretch out a warm and powerful hand and said to me, Come on, I will pull you up. "
Some pain is the inevitable of life, such as life, old age, illness and death, and the breakdown of relationships. For this inevitable suffering, we can only mourn, accept it and live with it.
As a party, although pain is inevitable, understanding some of the psychological laws behind it can also help you better face the pain caused by the loss of people, things or relationships.
The five-stage theory of grief
Five Stages of Grief
The Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, through observations and interviews with 200 terminally ill patients, published her book On Death and Dying in 1969, in which she proposed the "Five Stages of Grief," a theory that came to be known as the "Kübler-Ross model."
While it was originally designed for people who were sick, it has since developed into a common psychological response process to experiencing painful or sudden adverse events, which can include the death of a loved one, a loss of love, learning that you are terminally ill, bankruptcy, and so on.
After experiencing such a thing, the vast majority of people will go through these five stages, of course, everyone's situation is different, and then there are differences in the time spent in each stage, some people will soon take a certain step, and some people may stay in a certain step for a long time.
Understanding this pattern is useful for coping with painful experiences. We will grieve over the end of a relationship, we will grieve for the lost future. Therefore, we need to spend some time through the five stages of grief until we fully accept the fact that it happened.
1. Denial - "It's Impossible"
Denial is the first of the five stages of grief, and it can help us through the pain of loss. At this stage, the suffering person will refuse to believe or refuse to acknowledge the fact that has already happened, in a state of shock and denial.
They will try to tell themselves that life, as before, has not changed. For example, the moment you receive the message of being broken up, you are likely to have a numb feeling of disbelief, and perhaps somehow deny the fact of being broken up, thinking that the other party still loves himself to avoid pain, and this stage may last for several weeks.
2. Anger
Anger is a necessary stage in the healing of suffering. After the "denial" phase, people become angry, and they express this anger in many ways, blaming others for what they have lost, for example, possibly blaming the other person for what led to the breakup.
People's emotions are also easy to become sad and excited, and even feel angry with themselves, at this time, people are easy to vent their long-accumulated emotions, and may also complain about fate: "Why me? ”
3. Bargaining
This negotiation (bargaining) may be with oneself or with one's own gods (such as God). Usually we want to dedicate something to change the fact that has already happened.
We try to exchange our lover for a certain agreement, back to before the tragedy. For example, in the face of lost love, the more common mode of negotiation is that if we get back together, I will never lose my temper again.
4. Depression
After the bargain, our attention will shift directly to the present. Feelings of emptiness arise, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we think.
This depressive phase seems to last forever. It is important to understand that this depressive state is not a sign of mental illness/psychological problems. This is the process that all people or things who have lost a loved one will go through, and it is also the most difficult of the five stages.
During this time, you finally understand what you have lost, and this will make you depressed. You may deliberately isolate yourself, reminiscing about the past, and your mind being occupied by those memories. You may feel emptiness and despair, and you may even have the thought of taking your own life.
There are many forms of grief at this stage, but if you come up with any thoughts that want to hurt yourself, it is recommended to seek the help of a professional counselor as soon as possible.
5. Acceptance
This is the last stage of grief, when you realize that life must go on, you can accept the loss of a loved one, a lost love... facts. Acceptance does not mean that you can become happy immediately, after experiencing pain and distraction, you will never return to the carefree you you were before, but you will always find a way forward.
You'll start looking forward and start planning for the future. In the end, you will be able to recall your previous life without pain—sorrow may be, but you will not usually experience heart-wrenching pain again.) You will once again have hope for the good times ahead and even find fun in life experiences again.
Everyone suffers a different degree of suffering, and everyone's ability to bear grief is different. We don't know how much the Kübler-Ross model will do to alleviate grief, but it at least points us to one way: everyone can get out of grief if you want.
So, the reason is understood, how do we deal with pain?
It has always been "who suffers, who changes". Here, I would also like to share with you the 6 "tips" that I myself, my counselor friends, and my coaching clients/clients can do to cope with pain, and show you how to keep hope in times of pain.
1. Press the Pause button and mindfully
When negative emotions arise in your mind, or when you think of a painful event you are experiencing, try to distract yourself immediately and avoid adding fuel to the fire. At this time, you can create a "pause button" in your mind, imagine that after you press the pause button, everything will be quiet, just like you are usually watching a video, you need to answer the phone in the middle of the way and press the pause button to call first.
After "pressing the pause button", consciously shift your attention to your breath, to observe the feeling of breathing, just to observe the feeling of breathing, rather than the thoughts in your mind.
Note that distraction is not an escape, distraction is about dealing with negative emotions or thoughts related to it at the right time, or a matter that causes negative emotions, while avoidance is never being faced again.
2. Create your own "Events of Interest" library
Find a healthy path to release pain as an alternative to indulging in negative emotions. Try asking yourself when you're emotionally stable:
What can you do easily and be happy?
What are the things you've always wanted to try, but haven't had the courage to do?
List them, of course, you don't have to wait until the pain arises to do these activities, you can schedule some of these activities for yourself on a regular basis, or even every day. Rather than remedying the pain, it is better to maintain emotional levels and do prevention.
Here are some of my To do list example card sets, where you can make your own cards and do one thing when you're bored or don't have any plans to prevent the painful emotions that may be triggered by boredom.
3. Take the initiative to discover the "small" beauty in life
During the National Day holiday, I chatted with a psychological counselor friend of mine, and when she talked about this topic, she shared her experience with me:
"I will record 5 beautiful little things that I found that day every day, so small that I will record them when I see the flowers blooming at the door, which has become a habit of mine, whenever I encounter some painful events, I will always look at the beautiful events recorded day after day for so many years, and at that moment, the mood will be better."
No matter where we are, there are many beautiful details around us, one of which is the sky, you can always look up at the sky, let the spirit cheer up a little, feel confident again.
Try to discover the "beautiful little details" you have at hand, I believe it will bring you positive energy when you feel that you are not satisfied.
4. Read wisely
Wisdom gives rise to hope, and a deeper understanding of reality will give you a higher hope.
When feeling sad and miserable, look back at the wise books you've read in the past, or read a new one. Don't read works with ugly and hopeless endings, read some excellent books that give you strength and motivation, or some adult picture books. Also, it's also recommended not to read books that are too obscure because you don't want to add more "weight" to your emotions.
When I'm depressed or have some painful experience, re-reading these two books will bring me back to life with blood. Here, I also share with you, I hope to have the same help for you (please poke the Mini Program directly to purchase):
"Because I have the courage to be hated, I have the possibility of true happiness."
Do you often get bored with a tedious life?
Are you constantly tired of complex relationships?
Do you think the meaning of life is becoming more and more obscure and difficult to see?
How can we achieve true happiness with our own hands in the midst of the complexity of daily trivialities and complex interpersonal relationships?
The answer to all this is in this book Of Hated Courage!
Author Eckhart Toly guides us in the book that we are always under the control of the brain or mind, living in an eternal anxiety about time. We can't forget the past, and we are more worried about the future.
But in reality, we can only live in the present, in the here and now, where everything happens in the present, and the past and the future are just a meaningless concept of time. By surrendering to the present, you can find true strength and find the entrance to peace and tranquility. There, we can find true joy, we can embrace our true selves.
5. Start from the Golden Circle law and have a positive psychological dialogue
Renowned marketing consultant Simmons. Nek proposed a "golden circle" theory – an inside-out mindset. It points out that ordinary leaders face problems from what (referring to the appearance of things) and look for solutions from the outside in, while inspiring leaders exchange ideas and actions from why they are doing things.
The same theory can be applied to our response to negative events. When suffering from painful experiences, we ordinary people tend to focus first on the painful event itself, that is, the what part (e.g., the death of a loved one, the loss of love, bankruptcy...). And focusing on these unchangeable facts only deepens negative emotions (e.g., knowing that a dead loved one cannot be resurrected, falling into infinite remorse, and even suicidal tendencies).
Instead, in the face of the pain of loss, switch your mindset from Who (why does the death of a loved one make me so miserable?). Beginning, exploring the nature of grief can help you begin to find ways to alleviate your pain, focusing on the present and the future, and thus creating motivation and life goals to move on.
6. Do something beautiful for yourself
When we lose hope, we also lose the ability to love ourselves, which will lead to a greater loss of hope. When we consciously do a simple little thing for ourselves, this vicious circle can easily be broken.
Doing something for yourself that makes you feel better will greatly increase the level of hope. For example, extend your bath time a little to fully enjoy the feeling of relaxation that comes with taking a bath; sit on a park bench and gaze at nature for a few minutes; read a piece of good news about what is happening or has already happened in the world; make yourself a cup of tea and focus on all the details of making tea....
When I myself encounter some negative emotions, I often turn on the "buy, buy, buy" mode, and when the money is spent, I will think, "Make money is big, hurry up and start working!" In this way, the motivation comes, and the pain is secondary.
Of course, everyone's ability to bear pain is different, and the intensity of painful events is also different, and many times, in the face of pain in life, we don't know how to face it at that moment.
When you can't change it on your own, depending on the impact of the problem on yourself, you may need the help of a professional [life coach] or [psychological counselor].
I'm looking for it
A counselor or a life coach?
The role of a counselor/or life coach has a commonality: companion and listener.
Accompany you to see the deepest fears in your heart and the grief of facing loss, so that you can learn to accept the fact that cannot be changed in the process, learn to cope with it reasonably, and better move on.
Of course, there are some [differences] between the two. The counselor will focus on taking you through what is preventing you from coming out of your pain, perhaps the shadow of childhood growth, perhaps a feeling of guilt that you can't let go, or maybe your fear of the unknown..., thus helping you understand your pain and ultimately giving you the ability to accommodate the feeling of pain so that the feeling of pain no longer affects your life.
A life coach will help you focus your attention and energy on important, value-creating and love-creating things in the present and in the future, helping you figure out your main goals at this stage and the next direction of your life. Ultimately, it will help you break through the limitations and obstacles that painful events bring to your actions, and help you continue to work towards your ideal state and goals, so as to continue to move towards a better future.