What determines whether a person is socially popular or not?
We may subconsciously think of many answers, such as the person's knowledge, the breadth of the topic, and even his appearance conditions.
These factors all have an impact, but none of them are decisive.
On the contrary, the vast majority of chats are not a deep and extensive topic, they are all about daily trivia, and everyone can understand the content.
As for the appearance, in theory, good-looking people must be popular, Lin Chiling and Wu Yanzu appear in our social circles, do not need to speak, can still become the focus.
But most of us are also ordinary people, and want to become a social MVP through face value, not impossible, but the cost performance is very low.
In fact, a considerable number of social experts and love scene masters are really nothing special on the surface.
Their conditions may be similar to yours, and you can talk about the topics they can do.
The so-called no chat is actually a false proposition
We can talk to our parents, gossip with friends, and even talk about work with bosses and colleagues, which is completely proof that we can chat.
Maybe you think this is different, facing family and friends and facing people you like, how can chatting be a state?
You're right, the core difference is in the state.
Originally, the state should not have made any difference.
The man you like, in the final analysis, is an ordinary person in the vast sea of people, and you and most people can talk about the topic, and he can say.
The real problem is that you like him, so you will always subconsciously, especially hoping to be able to make him like you through chat.
Can just "chatting" make a person like you?
Very difficult.
Not to mention simply chatting, even a face-to-face date, it is difficult to "decide" how a person feels about you, whether it is feelingless or liked, whether to be a friend or a lover.
Talking about a day, seeing each other once is not nothing, but there is often a very strong element of luck, which is difficult to copy.
Expecting a person to like you through a chat or two usually backfires.
Because, this strong "purposefulness" will disrupt the rhythm of your entire chat, and even destroy your entire state.
You see, it's back to state.
Most of the daily chats, talk about the state, that is, when he deals with you, whether he feels happy and relaxed.
A chat in an awkward state, the other party may not be able to say what is wrong with you, but he will instinctively feel that you are not relaxed and uncomfortable.
Even with that, he will not be easy and uncomfortable chatting with you.
If so, would he still be willing to talk to you next time, get to know you more, and like you?
I'm afraid it won't be easy.
So you may perceive that he is cold to you after one or two chats, and you can't find the reason, so you blame yourself for not chatting.
This attribution is inaccurate.
Since it comes to status, what kind of chat status is just right?
There is a concept in popular science called "flow".
When we do something, we are so preoccupied that we forget both things and things, and we can't stop at all, just like the babbling, never-ending flow of water, we are entering the flow.
Most people want to experience flow, and the easiest way to do that is to lie down, pull out your phone, open Weibo or short video software and start playing — if you're not hungry and sleepy, or if something else interrupts you, you might be able to play for two or three hours unconsciously.
There is also a common flow, which is playing games.
If you go to an Internet café to spend the night, you must have seen Internet addicted teenagers who play all night on the computer, and they can stare at the screen for seven or eight hours in a row, sleeping and forgetting to eat.
Playing mobile phones and playing games for a long time is not worth advocating in itself, but if you can also enter this state of "flow" when chatting with people you like, isn't that good?
To achieve "flow," there are two key words, ease, and concentration.
When you do this, there is only this thing in your world, you have no psychological burden, and there is no distraction.
When you chat with someone you like, what you need to think about is definitely not whether he will like you after this conversation, or whether this sentence is wrong, whether he will make him disgusted with you.
This series of messy thoughts can affect your state and make you look shrunken and unattractive.
All you have to focus on is the conversation in front of you, or even the topic of the moment.
I've heard a story.
In 1983, the American Bissenham climbed the Empire State Building in New York with his bare hands, setting a Guinness Book of Records.
At the same time, he is a severe fear of heights.
How is this done?
Ham's own explanation is that I am indeed afraid of a tower more than 400 meters high, but I am not afraid of the height of one step.
I just had to focus on the step in front of me and climb up the 400+400 meters.
It's the same thing with a lot of things in our lives, including chatting with people we like.
If your idea from the beginning is, I'm going to make this person like me, so everything I say, every meeting with him, every word and deed must point to that purpose.
Of course you're nervous.
You are facing a tower more than 400 meters high, and you are like a person with a fear of heights, at a loss, feeling that you will never be able to do it.
And "flow" is to forget the building and only take every step under your feet.
Of course, after all, in the face of people they like, no one can completely abandon the "gain and loss of heart".
I know that a girl once said that when I succeeded in pimping men, I didn't like each other so much.
If you like a person to the point of not being able to do it, just normal performance has exhausted me.
Yes, we face our sweethearts, how can not be stable like ordinary friends, the result is like this little girl, the original charm may be 8 points, because of like, because of nervousness, it is weakened by 3 points.
However, the more social masters and love field masters, the more they can make themselves more "close" to the best, most relaxed state, close to the feeling of "flow".
"Flow" is subtly contagious and affecting each other.
The more relaxed you behave, the easier it is for the other party to deal with you, and when he feels that as long as he gets along with you, he can be relaxed and happy, and the conversation is forgotten, then you will be the person he wants to continue to associate with the most.
He relies on the feeling of getting along with you, just like most people rely on weibo and short videos.
His good feelings for you may also arise quietly and naturally in this process.
Of course, there is also a small problem that the vast majority of "flow" often occurs when a person is present.
Brush weibo, brush vibrato, chase drama, this is all done by yourself, and the interference of the outside world will interrupt you from the "flow".
Playing games is the same, single-player games are very easy to get into the flow, but multiplayer games, once you encounter teammates whose levels do not match, will seriously affect your state.
Chat faces the same problem.
No matter how good your state is, if the other person has a conversation like this three times...
It's like playing a game and meeting a pig teammate and not finding the "state", I really can't blame you.