Tuesday, March 30, 2021 Sunny
This year's Spring Festival was unable to return to my hometown for the Chinese New Year due to the epidemic, and I was incompatible with my adolescent daughter during menopause, and spent a noisy holiday in Beijing. When our relationship is particularly strained, it is a postcard that allows us to forgive each other and cherish each other.
This postcard was sent to my daughter two years ago when I was playing in Wuzhen, and my daughter has always treasured it. After we had a fight that day, she took out this postcard and showed it to me, on the front was a painting of Jiangnan Water Town, on the surface of the water in Wuzhen were several black canopy boats, on the shore were black tile eaves, white earthen walls, red lanterns, green vines, and on the back was a passage I wrote in a neutral black pen.
It was written sweet words that I had long forgotten, and I had traveled to many places over the years, and I had only sent one such card to my daughter, or because a child who was playing together sent a card to her boyfriend in the antique post office, and I was infected by her, so I sent one to my daughter by the way.
Of course, it is also because of coming to such a slow-paced paradise that my usual busy pace of life is also soothed, suddenly forgetting all my troubles and sorrows, and suddenly putting down all my baggage and devoting myself wholeheartedly to this beautiful town and long history and culture, and I have the leisure to write postcards.
It is even more because Wuzhen has the footprints of me and my daughter, when my daughter was less than ten years old, I took her here once, although the impression of that time has become very blurred, but it seems that I can still find my daughter's young figure in this Jiangnan town. So on the postcard printed with Wuzhen Boat, he wrote down his thoughts about his daughter and let it fly far away and send it to her daughter.
At that time, my daughter was studying in Beijing in her first year of high school, which was the first time in her life that she had left me to study in a foreign land, and in the depths of my heart, there were always too many worries, there were always thousands of knots, and each knot could only be opened by my daughter. I wrote a sentence to her that said: Although I can't be with you, my heart is always around you, and I hope that you can take care of yourself, learn to be happy, and be healthy! Love your mom forever.
For two years, my daughter has been collecting this postcard, and it is the only postcard I gave her between the time she was young and eighteen. I always told my daughter how much I had worked so hard for her, constantly blamed her, felt that she did not understand me, and constantly asked her for more evidence of love.
And me? I just sent her a postcard two years ago. But she trusted me very much, saying that she was very happy to receive such a unique gift from me, that it represented my love, and that she had carefully collected the postcard, perhaps the only obvious evidence that she could get love from me. In fact, children are unreasonable and love to lose their temper on the surface, but their requirements for their parents are not high, perhaps just a postcard, which can make them very satisfied.
I think my understanding of love is still stuck in our time, and I don't understand the desire for love in children now. We have been taught by our parents since we were young, and we can't express it warmly. Our parents have been silently paying for us all their lives, but they are never good at expressing their love, so most people in our era are not very good at expressing and will not pass on our love in a way that children are willing to accept.
During the winter vacation, my daughter often plays mobile phones and games, and I will only keep nagging and complaining, but I don't know that this is just a way for children to relieve stress when dealing with huge pressure. Even if I kept talking, I never shook my child's obsession with mobile phones. What kid loves a rambling mom? Therefore, the more I took care of her, the more irritable she became, and the more impatient she became with me.
So when my daughter took out this postcard and told me that she had treasured it for two years, I understood the child's intentions, and it was not that she did not love me, but that she could not stand my endless nagging. At this moment I understood that the expression of love is even more important than love itself.
In the last few dozen days of the third year of high school, the children are nervous and stressful, so why not have a mobile phone and games to relieve her pressure? What I love is the child, not her score, she just has to work hard, pay, be worthy of herself, don't care too much, the future road has to be taken by herself, her parents can't replace her to walk on her own.
At this stage, what the child needs is companionship and encouragement, not that you buzz in his ear like a mosquito and urge him to learn every moment like a supervisor. Our parents have too high expectations, too much interference, too much protection, too much concern, too much accusation... These twisted loves become the shackles that bind the child, become the last straw that crushes the child's psychology, and will make the child feel hopeless, helpless, incompetent, ruthless, and helpless... Sometimes, the more we give, the more painful the child will feel. We need to love him in a way that is acceptable to the child.
As a mother, don't nag, but use your wisdom and mind to solve problems. For example, when he is slack, you can read and study on the side, so that he can see that you are still so diligent at this age, and this subtlety is a hundred times stronger than you saying a thousand ways to him. For example, if you repeatedly say that there is no effect on some questions, then use the pen to write and communicate with the child, which may be more acceptable to him.
Love is an eternal topic, and which way to love is what our generation of parents need to learn. When the child learns to walk, we will let go of the hand, take a step back, let the child out of our palm, let him walk faster and more stable; when the child learns to ride a bicycle, our hand that originally supported the handlebar should also be released, so that the car will move. Isn't that the way of life? Only by letting go of our hands, standing behind him, and giving him enough love and encouragement can they spread their wings and fly high. When we bring our children into this world, we want to help and wait for the child to grow, not to replace him.
A postcard I sent to my daughter when I was inadvertent was actually an expression of love, which my daughter has always treasured, and she likes me to show my love in this way. When our relationship was tense, it was this star film that saved our relationship, brought us back together, and made me understand that even if the love between mother and daughter is deep, it needs to be expressed in a way that is easy for children to accept. If the child does not like and does not need to love you, you will not only not get the love in return, but also lead to the escalation of the war between parents and children.