Talking to a friend who had just broken up two days ago, she told me that even when the two of them were together, she still felt lonely. In the past two years, three relationships have failed, which seems to have made her lose confidence in love and have no energy to enter an intimate relationship again.
Some people say that the pursuit of intimacy is human instinct, others say that partners are long-term stable social connections, and some people even say that maybe we don't need love.
Do people really need love in their lifetime? Why do we need intimacy? If you also have such confusion, let's see what the friends of the lunar eclipse are talking about in the topic of "love"!
Lunar eclipse nickname: Park crisp
In past few relationships, I've repeated relationship patterns in relationships over time: over-giving, self-sacrifice, focusing on each other, and finally both parties are exhausted. After a period of counseling, I understood that the crux of the matter was myself, that I didn't really accept myself, and that no one could love me the way I was expecting.
I still believe in true love in the world, but I just don't believe it will happen to me. What's more, I found myself not minding that it didn't happen either.
#
Why is it so hard for me to fall in love?
Lunar eclipse nickname: Red Snow
When pursuing others, we can't help but pay attention to each other's every move, guess what the other party thinks of themselves, and unconsciously idealize the other party. Idealizing the other person is getting bigger and bigger, and his position is squeezed out, and his dignity and feelings become very small in front of that person.
Just like a dog goes after a frisbee that is thrown out, the frisbee is just a symbol, but the process of pursuit is still very happy, although after the pursuit, it finds that it cannot be eaten, and then it begins to wait for the next frisbee that flies out.
Love the real person, don't love a symbol. Before that, the one who should love the most is yourself.
Learn to love with dignity together
Lunar eclipse nickname: Afternoon black tea
Now there are a lot of fast food love, height, constellation, interests and hobbies matched, they quickly enter the relationship; once they find that the other party stepped on their own "minefield", they quickly lowered their heads and ended the relationship. The love I am looking forward to has nothing to do with the vows of the mountains and the sea, as long as there is a little patience, a little tacit understanding, a little curiosity, plus each other are "good people", it sounds like a good love, but so far, I have not met such a person.
Before meeting such a person, I would rather be alone than settle down.
Do people really need love in their lives?
Lunar eclipse nickname: Thousand Trees
For the first two or three years with my boyfriend, I was always in a state of growth and expansion. There seemed to be a force higher than me pulling me up. In those moments, the atoms in the inner universe are constantly exploding, decomposing, and multiplying, which is an unquestionable joy.
But I have to admit that this fiery feeling does not last forever. Is it simply impossible for people to like another person for long?
Re-reading Zhou Baosong's "The Understanding of the Little Prince", when he talked about the little prince's love with the rose, he said: "Since I have domesticated her, why did I give up the responsibility of taking care of her?" This sentence touched me deeply. I think that love is not just a strong passion wrapped in ecstasy, but also "I must be responsible for my roses".
This kind of responsibility is not to pick out the state and way that you think is "right" and then ask both parties to work together; but when encountering changes, first try to broaden your own tolerance boundaries, so that the relationship between the two people can eventually accommodate certain ups and downs and oscillations, and can have the freedom to tilt, turn and stagnate.
Turns out I can love someone like that
Lunar Eclipse Nickname: Lunar Eclipse Resident
It doesn't have to be love, it can be any relationship that involves "enough deep self-exposure" + "projection of core needs" + "further understanding of differences between people" + "gaining self-awareness", which you can think of as an advanced copy of the journey of life, but the clearance itself is not the end, the experience is.
Intimacy itself is not an end in itself, nor is it true to grow old or to meet any need, but to know yourself. Through experiencing this copy, those who do not love themselves will gradually go from loving each other to loving themselves, achieving self-consistency, and then may go from loving themselves to loving the world, and then there will be a real opportunity to promote the realization of self-worth or experience the perfection of self.
This is the ultimate fulfillment of all expectations of intimacy. Exploring truths about life and the self is an enticing opportunity to take risks. Or maybe it's the greatest temptation in the world. Otherwise, how could we have cried so much, been in pain, and wanted to continue? Otherwise, how can we meet so much, separate, create stories, regret for missed possibilities, be confused, and seemingly accidentally usher in the next possibility.
What humans do best is to create stories, but relationship stories don't actually end, and if there is, that's the day you stop exploring yourself.
Why we need intimacy
In the lunar eclipse community, I saw such a dynamic:
"Every time I visit a lunar eclipse, I can watch other people's lives that are very different from mine, and I am shocked by every life path that I have not imagined in my limited life. But I want to be an inclusive, open person. Therefore, although the first thing I feel when I see the difference is resistance and denial, I will not stop here, but mobilize my curiosity to observe, to accept, and finally to learn to appreciate. ”
Here you can talk about the confusion and experience of life in intimate relationships, and you can also see other people's experiences and feelings about love. In a story of emotion and understanding, you may eventually become a "ferryman" in the life of the other, and healing is healing itself. If you wish, the lunar eclipse, a small electronic planet, awaits you.