"I've never been afraid since I met you." - The movie "Under the GasLights"
I believe that many people may have seen the more depressing film "Under the Gaslight". In this film, the male protagonist Gregory, in order to seize the inheritance inherited by the heroine Paula, guides her to madness in various ways.
For example, he would give Paul a brooch, and when Paul put it in his handbag, he would sneak it away. Then ask Paul for the brooch. Of course, Paul certainly couldn't find the brooch. At this point, Gregory would say she was too forgetful. Paula didn't agree at first, but as similar situations grew, she could no longer trust her memories and cognition.
Most insidiously, Gregory deliberately manipulates the gas, causing Paula to watch the gaslights inexplicably flicker on and off, plunging her into deep self-doubt and hysteria, on the verge of collapse.
This is where the term "gas lamp effect" comes from. Of course, in our real life, there are very few such evil gas lamp manipulators, but many people's behavior is actually in line with the gas lamp effect.
Just like some people, whether they are in front of each other, they always belittle and laugh at each other; or some people often lose their temper periodically; or when some people are unhappy, they will carry out cold violence against each other. Behavior like this is actually a red flag that a relationship is in the gaslight effect, which is far more powerful than PUA.
The Gaslight Effect is a seminal book on emotional manipulation and the first heavyweight psychology book to be introduced Chinese mainland to fully analyze the manipulation of gas lamps. The book systematically expounds the operating mode of gas lamp manipulation, as well as the three stages of gas lamp manipulation, and provides specific methods to stop gas lamp manipulation, providing effective judgment criteria and suggestions for quickly identifying and getting rid of "toxic relationships". Perfect for people who want to change manipulative relationships and are eager to grow themselves.
The author of the book is Robin Stern, Ph.D. in Applied Psychology at New York University, co-founder and associate dean of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She has 30 years of experience as a psychoanalyst and has spent 15 years founding and promoting programs to develop female leaders, giving lectures on emotional intelligence and relationship bullying in multiple locations. By regularly counseling schools and companies around the world, she has developed a suite of tools to help adults and children develop emotional intelligence and address online violence. Her articles have been published on numerous media platforms, including Psychology Today, Time.com, The Washington Post, and the Harvard Business Review.
Arguably, the gaslight effect is a hidden form of emotional manipulation that is difficult to identify. Only by knowing how the gaslight effect works, and how to get rid of it effectively, can we really get out of this kind of emotional manipulation that destroys people's minds and kills people's invisibles.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > gaslight effect: an emotional control of a duo dancing together. </h1>
(1) The gas lamp effect is an emotional control relationship created by both parties
Essentially, the gaslight effect is actually a form of emotional control. It comes to free a relationship between two people in which one is the gas lamp operator and the other is the manipulator.
Gaslight manipulators need to make sure they are right in everything so that they can maintain their identity and feel that they have actual power in the world. The manipulator always over-idealizes the manipulator in the hope of his approval. In other words, the operator of the gas lamp will always try to convince you that you have misremembered, misunderstood, or misinterpreted your actions and motives, thus sowing seeds of doubt in your consciousness and making you vulnerable and confused.
I remember that in October last year, a heart-wrenching news broke the Internet. Bao Li, a junior at Peking University Law School, committed suicide by taking medication under her boyfriend's despicable means of mental control, and was declared "brain dead" by doctors.
Bao Li's boyfriend constantly accused her of giving the best of the first time to others, calling her "unclean" and constantly asking her to prove her love in extreme ways. Bao Li would retort at the beginning, saying that the best thing is her future. However, under the constant abuse and brainwashing of her boyfriend's PUA, she began to fall into a deep self-denial, thinking that she was "a worthless" girl, and finally chose to escape in the most extreme way, which was deeply regrettable.
In the book, the author tells such a case:
Katie is an optimistic and friendly girl who is always meeting new people and loves to chat with others. Later, she and Brian established a relationship. Although Brian is very considerate and attentive, when the two of them go out together, Brian often adopts a critical attitude because Katie is having a good conversation with others, saying that she is disrespectful to others and accusing her of always secretly sending autumn waves to every man who passes by.
At first, Katie basically laughed at Brian's words, but after facing many criticisms, Katie also began to doubt herself, feeling that she was indeed flirting with passers-by without hesitation, and even felt that this act of talking to others was a manifestation of sorry for her boyfriend. As a result, Katie walked down the street becoming more and more confused, not wanting to give up on her optimistic and friendly self, and she couldn't help but think about how Brian would think of herself.
In fact, Brian's behavior was gaslight manipulation. When he feels stressed or threatened, he must make sure he is the right side and ask Katie to agree with him. Katie, on the other hand, didn't want to lose Brian, so she began to look at things from his point of view and doubt herself. That's how the gas lamp maneuvering between them began.
Of course, in our daily work and life, we sometimes have differences of opinion with others, and may even offend each other. So, are all of these experiences gas lamp manipulations? In fact, these experiences do not constitute the gaslight effect in themselves. In the book, the author points out that although gas lamp manipulation is like a unilateral act carried out by a manipulator, it is not an emotional abuse between one party and the other, but a relationship created by both parties. So, in essence, both sides of the gas lamp manipulation are responsible.
It can be said that the gas lamp manipulation is actually a double dance, just like tango, which needs to cooperate with each other. Specifically, the manipulator will prompt the manipulated person to doubt his own cognition, and the manipulated person will actively cooperate with the manipulator, or persuade the manipulator to accept the way he sees the problem.
This may be a bit abstract, so let's take an example: when the gas lamp operator judges you and says, "You're too careless," and if your answer is "I think that's just your opinion," then the gaslight effect doesn't exist. But if you insist on stressing and denying that you weren't careless, or even spend hours of painful self-reflection just because you want to know if the other person's accusations are correct. At this time, the gas lamp manipulation behavior occurs.
Of course, the gas lamp manipulator may not be male, but it may also be female, and this manipulation relationship may exist between partners or lovers, or between bosses or co-workers, parents or siblings.
(2) The characteristics of the manipulator and the manipulated
In fact, gas lamp operators can manipulate the manipulated person in many ways, and the author divides the gas lamp operator into three types in the book.
The first is the charismatic gas lamp operator. This manipulator will be particularly attractive and thoughtful at the beginning of a relationship. But as the relationship deepens, the manipulator will start accusing the other person of doing something he didn't. And when the other party is unhappy because of the accusation, the charismatic manipulator will apologize and win the other party's favor in various ways, such as sending gifts to the other party and inviting the other party to a candlelit dinner.
Gradually, the manipulated person will become less focused on his feelings because he wants to maintain these romantic feelings, and try to convince himself that the accusations are not important.
The second is the good man gas lamp operator. Such manipulators usually look particularly reasonable and like a good person, but in fact, in their hearts, they must prove that their views are right. They may superficially agree with each other, but in reality they don't pay any attention to it. For this type of manipulator, they do good not because they care about each other, but simply to prove that they are a good person.
It is precisely because their usual performance is too "good", so the manipulated person will always think of the other party in the good side, feel that it is their own problem, so they will choose to ignore their frustrations, and become more and more numb to their own feelings.
The third is the threat manipulator. Threatening manipulators are relatively easier to identify than charismatic gaslight operators and good-guy gaslight operators. This type of manipulator is usually domineering, and they may punish and threaten the manipulated person by shouting or belittling.
For example, they often belittle you after you, throw tantrums periodically, or often commit cold violence against you when you don't do what he thinks.
Arguably, interacting with threatening manipulators can be very challenging.
Hearing this, you may be curious, if it is so unpleasant to get along with the gas lamp operator, why does the manipulated person still cooperate? This is mainly for two reasons.
The first reason is the fear of emotional doom. The so-called emotional doom refers to the behavior of the gas lamp manipulator when he finds that the other party is not doing things according to his own ideas.
For example, a gas lamp operator may erupt in anger at any time, yelling and blaming the manipulated person for his fault, and if the manipulated person insists that he is right, the manipulator's behavior will further escalate, dropping things at every turn, or threatening to leave completely.
Faced with such a situation, the manipulated person will be very afraid, so he will be willing to avoid this bad feeling at all costs.
The second reason is the desire for convergence, that is, the desire to be consistent with the manipulator. It can be said that people who are easily manipulated by gas lamps have one thing in common, that is, they always idealize gas lamp operators, in other words, they always think in the good side. Not only that, but the manipulated will also be eager to get the approval of the manipulator, otherwise, they will not be able to confirm that they are good and likeable.
Therefore, the manipulated person will not want to disagree with the other party for fear of not being recognized or isolated, and once they have different opinions, they will be very nervous. In short, this desire for convergence will make the manipulated person completely deny himself in order not to lose the person he likes.
Arguably, it is precisely because the gaslight effect triggers an incomparable fear in our hearts that makes this relationship difficult to identify and terminate.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > there are three stages in the development of the gaslight effect: disbelief, justification, and belief are all their own faults</h1>
In fact, gas lamp manipulation is carried out in three stages.
(1) The most obvious feature of the first stage is that we do not believe the words of the manipulator.
Although in the first stage, the gas lamp manipulation will be more hidden, there will be no insults or demeaning behavior, but we will feel that something is very wrong, but we can't say why, which is actually the only clue to remind us that there is a problem in the relationship.
For example, when you're dating each other and watching a movie, you go down the lobby to buy water. When you return, the other person is waiting for you angrily, complaining that they have been waiting for nearly twenty minutes. But you were especially sure you were only away for a few minutes, and you questioned his words. This is actually the signal that the gas lamp manipulation is in the first stage, and this signal is actually very critical, because it determines whether we will stay away from the gas lamp or walk into the gas lamp.
So, what should you do to stay away from gas lamps? The author summarizes two approaches in the book.
The first way is to observe your "flight attendant."
The so-called flight attendant refers to those references that we can trust, which can be a trustworthy person, or our own intuition and inner voice.
For example, if a friend or loved one you trust often expresses concern about your relationship with another, or you feel a high level of nervousness and panic every time you receive a call from someone or see them. Well, it's your "flight attendant" who is reminding you that there's something wrong with the relationship.
The second way is to avoid falling into the trap of interpretation.
The author cites such an example in the book:
Leah receives an invitation to date from Matt, saying she can't wait to see her on Saturday. As a result, on Saturday afternoon, Matt suddenly told Leah that there was something urgent at home and that the appointment had been canceled.
It wasn't long before Matt later offered to date Leah, but it would take three weeks for Leah to have time, much to Matt's displeasure and complaining. At this point, Leah begins to find various reasons to explain and excuse Matt, for example, is it because Matt found that he was hesitant to accept a date invitation, so he canceled the date? Or constantly blaming himself, if he had acted positively, Matt would have been more proactive.
It can be said that it is precisely because Leah has been making various explanations for Matt's temporary cancellation of the date that she has not seen Matt's true face, but has used various explanations to excuse him, ignoring the early warning signal of gas lamp manipulation.
So, if you've jumped up the gaslight tango, that is, the relationship is already in gaslight manipulation, how do you stop it? This requires three things.
The first point is, don't ask yourself who is right, but ask yourself, do you like to be treated this way?
It has to be said that when in a gas lamp manipulated relationship, the manipulated person always wants to be recognized by the other party. For example, in the case of the cinema we just talked about, what Leah should do is focus on the treatment she has suffered, ask herself if she likes to associate with a man who talks in this way, rather than repeatedly thinking about whether the other person's words make sense.
The second point is to give up the idea of being a "good person" and do everything as you can.
It's true that many of us want to be good people and always want to be seen as friendly, generous, or empathetic. There's nothing wrong with that, but if a person focuses on their own behavior and never thinks about how the other person treats us, it's likely to lead to ignoring the fact that the other person isn't good for us and putting up with the other person's bad behavior all the time.
So, what we have to do is to divert our attention, pay attention to our feelings, and reflect on whether we have taken full responsibility for the "good" thing in this relationship.
The third point is not to argue with the gas lamp operator about the facts you are convinced of.
That is to say, don't always dwell on who is right and who is wrong, because what others do is more important to us than right and wrong.
For example, when Leah and Matt argue that they haven't been away for twenty minutes, they're suggesting that the facts aren't really in conclusion, which is tantamount to inviting the gaslight manipulator to fight back against you with a lot of factual and emotional reactions until you surrender.
So, if you're pretty sure of the facts, you don't need to say anything more to let the other person know that the matter is indisputable. Once you find yourself in a battle of right and wrong, you can tell the other person, "I think we can only keep our disagreements," or "I don't want to continue arguing about this." Then end the conversation.
It can be said that the first stage of gas lamp manipulation often seems very insignificant, but it is a very critical turning point in a relationship, and if we do not find out in time, then we will gradually enter the second stage.
(2) The most obvious difference between the second stage and the first stage is that you will find the words of the gas lamp operator unbelievable and will defend yourself.
Let's take the case of the cinema, when you and the other party have a difference of opinion, if it is in the first stage, you will first start from your own position, tell the other party that you have seen the watch, but only left for five minutes.
However, if it is in the second stage, you will start from his point of view, that is, the first thing to consider is his point of view. For example, you might think that he complained about how long I had been away because it was too uncomfortable to wait for someone. In fact, such an approach is equivalent to putting yourself in the danger of explanation, invisibly cooperating with the controller.
So, how do you get out of the second stage?
First, you have to allow yourself to take your time.
When we are manipulated by gaslights, it means that we are also responsible for the relationship. Like we said earlier, gaslight manipulation is a double dance, so we can change the rules of the game, even if it's just a small step. For example, when the other party accuses us, we just need to try to remain silent, not participate in the argument, and say a word or two when necessary that does not require the other party to respond.
Second, it is necessary to find the right time to ask questions.
The so-called appropriate reality means to ensure that nothing will cause anxiety in the other person. Before that, though, we must design ahead of time how to ask questions, rather than casually running out of them.
Finally, stand your ground.
Usually, gaslight operators respond to your questions with aggressive ways, such as if you are too sensitive or that your ideas are too unreasonable. At this point, all you need to do is repeat your intentions and tell the other person that if something like that happens again, you'll leave.
It can be said that if a relationship has entered the second stage, it is very challenging to stop the gas lamp manipulation, but it is still easier to deal with than the third stage.
(3) The third stage is the most depressing, because at this point, you will begin to actively prove that the gaslight manipulator is right and that everything is your own fault.
In other words, you're taking the side of the gaslight manipulator. Gradually, you will make yourself physically and mentally exhausted, feel that life is not fun, and then fall into a deep despair.
So, how should we deal with the exhaustion and confusion of the third stage of manipulation such as gas? In the book, the author gives a method called "Creating Your New World," which is divided into four steps.
The first step is to imagine yourself living in a beautiful house. What you need to do is try to imagine every detail of the house, especially to imagine the fence so strong that no one can enter it.
The second step is to find the opening of the fence, which is the entrance where popular guests can come and go freely. And the janitor is yourself, and you can invite anyone in or don't let anyone in. At this point, the people you allow and don't want to enter will come to mind, and all you have to do is feel the power of the janitor.
The third step is to imagine that you have already made a decision. Your decision is that only people who communicate with you with kindness and respect your feelings can enter the door, and everyone else must leave.
The fourth step is to spend fifteen minutes imagining your house and gate again. In the process, see who wants to come in and who you want to come in. Then, imagine what happens when you accept and reject others and how those people react, and finally, feel how you will respond to their reactions. This method allows us to understand why we are trapped in the operation of the gas lamp, and then find the strength and courage to turn off the gas lamp.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > how to turn off the gas lamp</h1>
In the book, the author emphasizes that it is impossible to turn off the gas unless one is genuinely determined to take action. In other words, it is only when a person is willing to leave that it is possible to change the gas lamp manipulation relationship.
Therefore, the key to the problem is how to mobilize oneself to voluntarily leave the manipulator.
(1) How to make yourself voluntarily leave the manipulator
We always think, what's so hard about leaving the manipulator? It's good to go! However, it is often difficult to do this for the manipulated person who is caught in the gaslight manipulation relationship. As for how to voluntarily leave the manipulator, the author summarizes six steps in the book, also known as the "six-point plan".
The first step is to clarify the problem.
Olivia's husband is a charismatic gas lamp manipulator, and he often gives Olivia many gifts, such as women's shirts and loose pajamas, but these gifts are not what Olivia likes, so the gift of receiving gifts is not only unhappy for her, but also very frustrating. Over time, Olivia always felt guilty about her husband and felt that she could not thank her husband for these romantic actions.
It wasn't until Olivia later communicated with the author that she realized what the problem was. That is, although her husband always does a lot of things that look good, these things don't really have much to do with Olivia, he just wants to make himself feel good, not to make Olivia happy. Because of this, Olivia did not feel happy and satisfied.
The second step is to have compassion for yourself.
Many manipulated people will think that they are also responsible for the reason why things have reached this point, so they will be very self-blamed, feeling that everything is their own doing. This requires us to treat ourselves with compassion and to give ourselves love and appreciation.
The third step is to allow yourself to make sacrifices or concessions.
It has to be said that leaving a gas-lamp manipulated relationship can cost us something like a romantic partner, a well-paid job, or a friend who knows us very well.
However, it's important to note that these things aren't something you can't have anymore, and the relationship we're in right now is hitting our spirits and making us less and less happy. So, we have to ask ourselves if we are willing to make some sacrifices or concessions and give it a go.
The fourth step is to face your true feelings.
In fact, gaslight manipulation can easily make us lose sight of our true emotions. So we have to learn to be open to ourselves. The specific method is to record the answer with a pen and paper by asking yourself questions. We can recall the recent emotional shock to ourselves and ask ourselves: How did it feel at the time? Any ideas? What behavior was done? This helps us to find ourselves treating the same thing with so many different points of view, feelings and thoughts, and at the same time makes us more able to face our true emotions.
The fifth step is to give yourself strength.
This requires us to recognize and use our strengths in order to make a difference. For example, we can list our strengths, or do something that makes us feel very capable, or we can reach out to people who can see your strengths. In this way, we can get rid of the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that comes with gaslight manipulation and regain the right self-perception.
The sixth step is to take a small step.
This is easy to understand, that is, we have to take practical actions that can improve our lives, any action, even if it is small, or even unrelated to the relationship we are in. For example, one of the author's patients once signed up for a body sketching class, and she didn't tell her because she was so afraid that her husband would know she was going to paint nudes. As a result, the husband did not show much concern after he found out. So by taking energy from action, it can help us challenge the manipulative behavior of gaslight operators.
(2) How to turn off the gas
In the book, the author lists five ways to turn off the gas.
The first is to distinguish between truth and misinterpretation.
We already know that gas lamp operators often distort the facts and tell us these processed versions, so we are always overwhelmed. Therefore, distinguishing between truth and misinterpretation is an important step to turn off the gas. For example, your boss always wants to sabotage your work and constantly lies to you. Suppose one day he says to you, I hope you can be a little more flexible, so that we can get along more happily with each other. Well, at this time, you should not think about why he criticized me, but understand that the key to the problem is not that you are not flexible enough, but that he has deliberately destroyed your future. Therefore, your starting point must be the recognition of the truth, not the gas manipulator's perception of the truth.
The second is to judge whether the dialogue between two people is a struggle for power, and if so, to withdraw.
It can be said that the reason why gas lamp manipulation is insidious and not easy to identify is that we are not always aware of what the actual content of the conversation is. When we get caught up in a power struggle, we find ways to prove ourselves right, hoping to get the approval of the other side, and this will just lead us to get into the gaslight manipulation of this double dance. So, if the gaslight manipulator is really trying to solve the problem, then you can have a good chat, and if you find that you are in a power struggle, stop the quarrel in time. You can tell the other person that he is right, but in the end you don't want to continue arguing about this issue now, or tell the other party that now is not the ideal time to discuss this issue, and it is best to talk about it at another time that is suitable for both parties.
The third is to identify the behavior of you and the gas lamp operator, that is, the behavior that triggers the gas lamp manipulation.
For example, when you start crying, some men feel like they're being controlled and become wary. At this point, you have to stop and think about whether crying triggered gaslight manipulation, or whether the other party felt that your tears made him threatened? If that's the case, then you need to prevent you from crying in front of the other person, or simply leave for a while.
Fourth, focus on your feelings, not right or wrong.
In the book, the author repeatedly emphasizes that the only way to get out of the danger of gaslight manipulation is to stop thinking about who is right and who is wrong, but to focus on your own feelings instead. If you feel like you're being attacked, or decide to be scared, you should stop the conversation immediately.
Fifth, remember that even if you're right, you can't control anyone's opinion.
This is because each person's thoughts can only be controlled by himself, and when we are no longer obsessed with controlling the opinions of others, we will have more freedom to explore our own responses and act accordingly. Note that not every one of these five methods may need to be tried, nor do they need to follow the order, just start with the one you think is most effective.
Well, by turning off the gas, we may find a new way to get along with the gas lamp operator, or the gas lamp operator will refuse to change completely. So, the next step is to decide whether we want to stay in the relationship or let it go decisively.
(3) How to determine the next choice
As for how to know what to do next, the book gives four questions about whether to go or stay, which can help us make decisions.
The first question is, can I get along with this person in a different way?
As we said earlier, the premise of turning off the gas is not to participate in gaslight-operated conversations, or to be able to decisively leave the room when confronted with the threat of "emotional doom". So, we need to know how much change we're willing to make. For example, ask yourself if you can avoid the conversation when the other person starts to manipulate you with a gas lamp. Or when the other person yells, can you decisively leave the room?
The second question to ask yourself is, can the other person get along with me in a different way?
It can be said that when a person is threatened or feels stressed, they will use the gas lamp manipulation mode to make themselves feel strong and powerful. So, they will seek every opportunity to control others in order to give themselves the feeling of being in control. Therefore, we need to understand how much the other party is involved in gas lamp manipulation. In general, people who have been very weak in self-awareness will be very involved in gas lamp manipulation.
The third question to ask myself is, am I willing to work to change the way we get along?
In fact, the gas lamp manipulation pattern is difficult to break because this relationship can easily create a vicious circle. Specifically, the other person's aggressive behavior will trigger your defensive response, and your response will touch his sensitive nerves, which will trigger his more aggressive behavior. So, we might as well ask ourselves if there's anyone we can support you against gaslight manipulators, such as your friends, family, or psychologists.
The fourth question is, will the relationship be satisfying if you put in the best effort? At this point, you can also use the method of "creating your new world" that we talked about earlier, and think about it, will you allow the gas lamp operator to enter this world? If you feel hopeful at the thought of him entering the world, then you should choose to stay in the relationship. Conversely, if you feel a tight stomach, numb and tired, then you should choose to leave. Of course, it doesn't matter if the question is not easy to answer, we can go on with questions, because it is likely that one morning we will wake up and suddenly know what to do.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > summary</h1>
It has to be said that the gaslight effect is indeed a very insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation, but I believe that after you have a systematic and comprehensive understanding of it, you will definitely make better and more correct choices and restart the new journey in your life.
I also wish that we all have more strength and courage, control our own destiny, and have a life illuminated by love.