How to fast-forward and fast-forward in life roles and become the master of time
Original Zhou Fan Zhou Fan 2022-01-14 19:58
Article | Zhou Fan Edited | Dumplings
Why do the days get more and more tired?
When I come home after work, I just want to lie down, I don't want to do housework, my children don't want to manage it, and I feel tired talking to my partner;
When you are busy and stop to really rest, you can't help but think about the N tasks you have to deal with next;
The flag I set last year has fallen again this year, and life has consumed all my energy, where is the time to do what I like.
It would be nice if it could be extended 24 hours a day, so that we can:
- Do everything better.
- Do whatever you want.
- Grasp the life you want.
But is this really the case?
The truth is, even if you don't do anything for a day, you still feel tired.
Because many times we feel tired, not because there are too many things and not enough time, but because our hearts are very tired.
The real tiredness is not physical tiredness, but mental tiredness.
How we unconsciously drain our energy
A large part of the reason why we feel tired, or even tired without doing anything, is because we are struggling, and the main entanglement is the contradiction between "want to do" and "should do".
In fact, we will find that our tiredness is not directly related to how much we have done in the day, sometimes this day does nothing, even if we are idle at home for a day, we will still feel tired in the afternoon.
Many times this feeling of tiredness comes more from the psychology, which is what everyone often says about being tired.
This kind of mental exhaustion is brought about by a kind of mental internal friction, and this internal friction is most commonly entanglement.
Entanglement is a state in which the mind has two different directions, indecisive and indecisive. One moment I want to go to the left, and the next I want to go to the right. Like what:
I wanted to leave the job, but I was afraid I couldn't afford to leave it.
Therefore, in the daily work, irritable, absent-minded, unwilling, and want to resign, but do not dare to resign.
The result is that the work is not done well, and I am not happy.
This weekend, I especially wanted to have a good rest, but lying in bed, full of thoughts about this thing did not do, the children did not care, the family was in a mess, there are many things waiting for me.
Tossing and turning, he began to blame himself for not resting and not being able to get up. As a result, I didn't rest well and didn't get things done.
How, does it sound tired and panicked?
Entanglement is such an extremely energy-intensive mental activity. Because the swaying left and right of mental activity alone is already very "fuel-consuming", the result is that the body is still in place, unable to supplement the energy we consume with action and achievement.
Tangled up puts us in a state of high consumption, low output, just like you drive a car, one foot on the brakes, one foot on the accelerator, the car is not far forward, but the fuel consumption is huge.
Self and social identity that cannot be integrated
At this time, we need to further explore the "why am I entangled" inward, so that it is possible to jump out of the past cycle and stop this entanglement.
Entanglement generally comes from the conflict between "wanting to do" and "should do", that is, the conflict between "self" and "identity".
Before that, there was a topic on the hot search, called #Young People's Retaliatory Stay-up Late#.
The root motivation for this unhealthy behavior is that I spend most of my day living in my own identity role, and it is difficult to be quiet late at night, and my social identity is finally out of work.
At this time, I feel that my own day seems to have just begun, and finally I have my own time, so I am obviously very sleepy, still stuck to stay up late, I am reluctant to sleep, I want to stay with myself for a while, brush the drama, play mobile phones.
Although these things may not be what you really want to do, and even after doing them, you will have a sense of loss or even guilt, but the significance of psychological compensation is far greater than the happiness brought by doing these things.
This method can be used occasionally to release some pressure.
On the positive side, this is people trying to figure out how to resolve the conflict between "self" and "identity", that is, to extend my time and allocate it to both.
But in the long run, this is a way to quench your thirst by drinking and drinking, and the naked eye can visibly overdraw yourself.
The core problem is an underlying belief: I can't merge myself and identity, the two are separated, so I have to occupy a separate time period to complete it.
As people grow, we will enter more and more diverse identities.
Initially we came into this world with only one identity "child", and then we will become "student", "classmate", "friend", "professional", "wife", "mother", "manager", "entrepreneur", "partner"...
Human growth is a process of merging multiple identities.
Learn to nourish yourself in all identities
The most fundamental way to solve this dilemma is to let myself and identity merge, and I can nourish myself in all identities.
This matter begins in childhood.
In the growth stage of people, 0-3 years old is the stage of full development of self-awareness, that is, the stage of knowing what I like, what I don't like, what I want to do, and what I don't want to do.
After the age of 3, it enters the social environment, starting from kindergarten, and develops the concept of "social standards". For example, I can't defecate on the ground, and I have to raise my hand to go to the toilet.
In elementary school, the scope of this norm requires more: you will be punished for speaking in class, you will have to complete your own homework, and so on.
If in the 0-3-year-old stage, the development of the self is very sound, without too many obstacles, then we will naturally continue to develop ourselves while developing social attributes.
That is, to be able to find a balance between "what I want to do" and "what I am allowed to do".
The better we integrate, the more unified and determined we are, the more energy will be aggregated and used efficiently, and the more obvious the results will be.
When this fusion is not well accomplished, there will be a separation of identity and identity.
For example, when the needs and values at the bottom of the identity of "mother" and "self" are opposed to each other, they will produce divisions and internal friction.
For example, Xiao A's understanding of mothers in the past was that to be a mother, you must take good care of your children, focusing on the needs of your children.
And Little A also has a need for self: rest and entertainment. Then the needs of the "self" can only give up a part of the rights and time to the identity of "mother".
Over time, the "self" will of course be unbalanced, and it will also have dissatisfaction and anger towards the relevant objects of the "mother" identity, such as children or fathers.
But if Little A has a greater life value that can unify these two identities, then these two identities can be fused.
For example, this greater value of life is "growth", then when the mother accompanies the child, expanding her patience and acceptance can grow, rest and relaxation is also to let yourself reserve physical strength for better growth.
Accompanying children and resting are in the service of the greater value of life, and there will be no sense of giving and consumption, but a sense of accomplishment, and even enjoy the process.
But many people, even if they understand the direction of self-integration, still can't do it, because their "self" needs have never really been expressed freely.
My aunt was the eldest daughter in the family, at that time the days were hard, she had 6 younger siblings below her, she never really had a childhood, she became a little adult early, sharing the family's worries and taking care of her younger siblings.
When she is older and has a good life, she will behave irrationally or do something very childish and willful in front of her adult children and other younger siblings.
At this time, you can't ask her "self" to grow up and become more mature, because her "self" needs to go back and make up for that lost childhood.
If parents interfere with their child's self-development prematurely, such as around the age of 2, after the child has the concept of "my thing", they constantly ask the child: "Share the cake with everyone." ”
If the child shows a protective reaction and is not willing to share, he begins to say: "What to do after cutting the door like this since childhood!" ”
Children have just begun to go to primary school, and have not yet fully adapted to the responsibility and learning standards of learning, so they use various pressures to give children, forcing children to complete social attributes as soon as possible, and children show some fear or delay to blame children.
Such an education method is to press down on the child's self-development, so that in the stage when the individual attribute has not yet been developed, it directly jumps to the social attribute.
People who enter the social attributes too early will slowly lose and forget the individual attributes.
When making all the choices and decisions in the future life, the first assessment value will always stay: whether it meets the criteria of social attributes. Like what:
- What do others think?
- If I did, would I be hated?
- I should have done it, I shouldn't have done it and so on.
But there is no way to assess: how am I feeling? What do I want to do? Bring it into the choice and make a comprehensive, balanced choice.
Develop the ability to reflux and relax
When we need to merge different identities, self-awareness needs to evolve upwards, with a larger vision and a deeper meaning of life being seen, and then this higher meaning can be integrated with other different identities.
But the premise for this is that each stage of the "self" is completely completed, there is no suppression, there is no misalignment, the foundation of self-awareness can be built solidly, and the higher meaning placed on it will not be false and false, and it is true and can stand the test.
Otherwise, even learning a larger mission and vision is at best a slogan.
Just like those who have poor intimate relationships, but go all over the world every day to volunteer and do charity, it is actually just a more hidden self-deception.
When the development of the self is heavily covered by social attributes, our feelings about ourselves will become more and more dull and less confident.
In this case, it is difficult to feel the feeling of self-nourishment while doing things, while satisfying identity.
Instead, it lives itself as a robot that fulfills its responsibilities and completes its tasks, always catching up with one thing and the next, even sleeping and resting as if it is completing a task.
Sometimes I don't know why I always fill myself up so much, as if something terrible will happen when I stop. Then the whole person will live more and more tense, more and more dry.
Yes, a terrible thing happens when you stop, because when the social attributes stop turning, you feel the great emptiness of the underdevelopment of individual attributes.
At this time, we have to develop two capabilities:
One is the ability to return.
The second is the ability to relax.
What is the ability to reflow?
It is to let what you do nourish you the moment you do it, rather than waiting until you make a result, relying on that future result to make yourself happy and satisfied.
For example, many people work, and what can sustain themselves is the holidays and paydays. Of course, if you only rely on this to support yourself, basically your working hours are very painful.
Then there are some people who are a little better, and their motivation comes from a project, or a sense of accomplishment after a thing is done.
However, if this result is very different from the expectations, or the cycle time of the project is very long, and its psychological energy has been exhausted in the process, there is no way to persist until the project has results.
Therefore, being able to nourish yourself and return energy to yourself in the process of things, at the moment of doing, is a very important ability.
And the ability to relax is the ability to completely let go of all responsibilities and functions, completely relax yourself, and rest deeply.
Relaxation is definitely an ability that needs to be learned, just like the ability to learn a foreign language or learn yoga swimming, which requires finding a coach to learn and self-training.
When we are relaxed, it is actually the time when our learning ability and creativity are the strongest, and many great ideas are thought of when we are most relaxed.
When each stage of the ego is well satisfied and developed, self-awareness can naturally grow solidly upwards.
Our strength has always been there, but it is only obscured by our own hearts.
When we remove these obstacles step by step, we are no longer entangled, internally consumed, not consumed by ourselves, and know how to relax and nourish ourselves.
We can quickly switch freely in multiple identities and become the masters of time.
Not only can you complete each identity to your satisfaction, but there are still many gaps to be yourself happily.