Regardless of the methods and means, the background of education should be love, not harm. - Mom psychology
There is a post on the Internet, a mother left a message: "The child said he hated me, do I really have such a "heinous" feeling?" It's just deleting my son's game. ”
I could tell that the mother was very distressed and troubled, and she didn't know what was wrong with the child. Want to judge from the mouths of others that you are really a hated person?
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The cause of the incident is because the child is on vacation, sleeps lazily every day, does not write homework and always plays games.
She said that her son should have gotten up at 7 o'clock in the morning, washed and ate, and then started to write his homework, but he did not get up until ten o'clock every day, and he woke up easily, but he lay in bed and continued to play games.
The mother said that she had agreed with her child about the time to write her homework, and he should get up at the same time as agreed.
In the end, the mother couldn't bear it and gave her son an ultimatum in a stern tone: if she doesn't get up tomorrow to write her homework, she will never play again.
Apparently, the next day the child still did not come according to the agreement, the mother's patience has reached its limit, directly deleted the game, and angrily canceled the child's right to play the game during the holiday.
The son was already crying at this time, punching and kicking his mother, and shouting in his mouth: "I hate you, you nasty ghost!" ”
He began to fight against his mother by hunger strike and not speaking.
When the mom asks "Am I really hateful?" "The response from many people is yes. Because the force is too strong.
From the child's point of view, he spent a whole year to build his own world, in just a few minutes by the mother destroyed completely, all his hard work disappeared without a trace, the child's heart is unacceptable, is disappointed, is painful.
For a 9-year-old boy, this may be a life-threatening problem.
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It is believed that every mother wants to raise her son to become a prince, but always inadvertently and cruelly destroys his castle. The reason given by mom is also very simple: who made you disobedient!
Teacher Mo Wei said: "Some punishments are not education, but revenge.
Revenge is what it is: you are angry with me like this, I want to take revenge. ”
A relative has a 6-year-old child who comes home one day and tells his mother that he doesn't want to go to school because he is afraid.
It turned out that because the child was disobedient in the kindergarten, the teacher put her in a small black room alone in order to let the other children "take it as a warning".
The teacher's approach is very infuriating, but for the teacher, it works, because punishing one child also shocks all other children.
But you know, before the age of 9, the child has not yet developed mature logical ability, she is not yet able to clearly know that she was locked up because of what she did, and only the fear of being locked up in a small dark room is left inside.
Naughty, close the little black room, one is the behavior, one is the means of adult punishment. There is no connection between the two. And judging by the results of the child's feeling of fear, the dose of punishment is excessive.
I saw a message on Zhihu: a mother was so slow that her child's writing was a mess and slow, and she tore up all of her child's homework books in anger. He also said that he would send his child to the garbage can early tomorrow morning, and asked the child whether he wanted to read or pick up the garbage. Then I posted the shredded workbook.
Angry netizen message: Such a rough way of education will only make the child more disgusted with writing homework; knowing that the child's homework is slow, and tearing up all her homework books, it is really cruel; some people say that this may become a shadow of her life...
Another mother secretly went to the Internet café to play games because her son skipped class, and the mother angrily rushed to the Internet café and smashed the computer directly.
When the child disobeys and does not cooperate activates his inner feeling of helplessness and powerlessness, the energy of powerful destruction is also activated instantly. Destroying "Minecraft" is only a small thing in reality, and more importantly, it destroys the child's efforts and achievements for more than a year, the parent-child relationship and its self.....
As soon as the energy of destruction is spewed out, it is not just punishment, it is the energy that destroys mother and destroys oneself.
The unconscious retaliatory punishment provoked by anger will cause the mother to lose her adult position and retreat to the helpless child.
At that moment, I was a child and a child was an adult.
However, there is no way for a child to withstand such a large dose of attack. Nanjing's 9-year-old child chose to jump off the building for fear of being "punished" for breaking glass, which is a painful lesson.
Lu Xun said:
The real tragedy is to tear beautiful things apart for people to see.
Retaliatory punishment tramples on the dignity of children and tears apart children's innocent hearts, innocent dreams, and even entire lives.
Retaliatory punishment can no longer be called education, it is just a crazy outrage of parents who will not educate.
So, how can parents correctly use punishment to be healthier?
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1. Clarify the purpose of punishment, "sentencing" is very important
There are many forms of punishment for children, depriving children of their freedom, scolding, corporal punishment, etc.
The purpose of punishment is not to let the child experience the process of punishment, but to let the child learn to take responsibility and correct mistakes.
The real purpose of punishment is to solve the problems of behavior in the present, not to create new conflicts.
Why does punishment create new conflicts? For example, in corporal punishment, the child will obey because he is afraid of being beaten. But if the child does not realize his own mistake, he will make the same mistake again soon after, so there will be a situation of "talking or not listening".
Angry, impulsive punishment is better than cleaning, not finishing homework instead of reading how many articles or reducing the amount of time spent playing.
2. Give the child a clear punishment requirement
For example, if the child does not clean up his toys and makes a mess at home, many mothers will say: Let you clean up is not to listen to it, and then let me see your toys littered, I will throw it at you.
Although this "threat" effect is good for a while, if it is really thrown at the child, the child will have a resistance to the parents in his heart, and even "hate" from then on, because for the child, in the eyes of the parents, the "worthless" things may be cherished by the child, which is also an important factor in destroying the parent-child relationship.
Parents might as well speak in a different way: "If you don't pick up the toys, you may lose some parts, or accidentally step on the toys and get hurt while playing, now you can clean up the toys?" ”
The punishment will become meaningful by explaining the meaning of some behavior or punishment to the child, rather than simply letting the child accept the consequences.
3. Punishment should be divided into age groups
For example, a child around 2 years old accidentally knocks over a cup, which may be because his sense of space has not yet developed steadily. What we need to do is not count the children, but to take the children away, get out of the dangerous situation, and then clean up the table.
For children aged 3 to 5 years, they have begun to have a sense of rules, we need to tell the child the consequences of wrong behavior, and with the child to bear the consequences and correct the mistake.
When children reach the age of 6, their subjective consciousness is more clear, more have their own ideas, parents can not be tough, but to stabilize their emotions, with the help of rules and agreements, standardize the child's behavior.
Finally, remember that for whatever reason, you can't punish your child in public. This will only arouse the child's feelings of shame and resentment, weaken the effectiveness of punishment, and strengthen the mentality of inferiority.
Educator Sukhomlinsky once said:
Every moment, when you see the child, you see yourself, and when you educate the child, you are also educating yourself and testing your personality
Educating a child, in addition to allowing the child to grow, is more important than a practice for parents.
These little angels sent by Heaven are actually to let parents better explore the course of life! Understanding the true meaning of parenting will not only make children better, but also make parents better.
Regarding the more educational problems of adolescent children, Ms. Mo Wei said in the "Adolescent Rebellion Cracking Training Camp" that through the perspective of psychology, children's problems are analyzed to help parents deal with the rebellious problems of adolescence more calmly.
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