"Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

39 "Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

(Woke up too late yesterday morning, broken day)

Let the child return home

There is also a situation where the child has been lost, but the four steps of the courtship dance

Do !️ you remember those four steps?

The first step is for parents to be able to attract their children's attention.

The second step is to focus on the issue of separation.

The third step is to encourage the child to attach to us.

The fourth step is to be a child's navigational beacon !️

It is impossible to activate the child's attachment instinct anymore, in this case, what other way can the child return home?

It's a bit tricky, but we still have to be confident. At the beginning, the child may refuse our "flattery", will be very cold, let us feel frustrated, even so, to regain the child's attachment is still the strength of the child back to our arms... !️

Bingxin let the children return home, the biggest difficulty is how to regain the trust and dependence of the children, not just trapped them in the house, ❌ tied to the dining table (I remember when I was a child, my seven- or eight-year-old brother was trapped in the yard by his father's feet tied with iron chains. A crippled education keeps us from getting close to each other decades from now.)

When reconnecting with our children, we need to remember one thing: they need us, they need us to see their inner pain. Even if they themselves are not aware of it, even if their instincts are invalidated and their emotions are closed, subconsciously, they still need us. Therefore, we must confidently connect with our children, especially the more rebellious and the more children do not want to stay with their parents, the more they need the care !️ of their parents

Returning children to the home can not only allow us to complete the parenting work, but also create opportunities for children to grow. For those children who leave their parents prematurely, parents should grasp their hands and help them complete the process of maturity. Outstanding American child psychiatrist Stanley. Greenspan once wrote, "Children, no matter how old, can reopen the process of maturation whenever they have an intimate connection with an adult who loves them." Pulling our children back into an intimate attachment relationship and keeping them in that attachment relationship is the foundation on which we grow up with our children.

For parents, the difficulty is that we need to shift our attention from the child's behavior to the cultivation of parent-child relationships. Because once the parent-child relationship is destroyed, the child will become more and more rude and more and more worrying. In this case, it is difficult for parents not to scold, cajole or criticize them. Therefore, the mother-in-law must turn her attention to repairing the parent-child relationship and not rush to correct the child's behavior.

Here, I introduce some specific intervention methods. ❌ When teenagers rebel, parents generally adopt the punishment of grounding. Fasting, usually forbidden to contact the child and peers, the punishment of the fasting itself does not work, and preventing the child from contacting the peer may only make the child more eager to contact with the peer. ❌ However, the fasting also gives the child a gap in attachment, which is of our use.

If parents can see the grounding as an opportunity to get closer to their children and send an attachment invitation to their children, everyone will be happy. But if the parents do not have attachment authority to their children, and they do not have the full confidence to do this well, then do not ground. In fact, the grounding played the greatest role in those children who needed it the most, and the role played the least role in those who needed it the most. But in any case, if the parents want to take the approach of grounding, they must use it as an opportunity to re-establish a relationship with the child, only in this way can it play its best role. At the same time, it also means that in the interaction with their children, parents should avoid using any tone or emotion of a punitive nature.

There are many other interventions that can be used, and which one to choose depends on the severity of the problem. From weekend hiking to family travel, and some activities with medium intensity, they are all good interventions and can effectively bring parent-child relationship closer. (Here I would like to tip a point, for the junior high school stage of children many parents have done the above actions once, twice, they want to restore the intimate relationship with the child, a little anxious, some of the children at this stage are still demanding parents' care, but on the surface they like to pretend! Watch his parents surround him and please him. At this time, parents should make lasting, continuous actions, and do not give up halfway!!️)

My two daughters, Tamara and Tasha, are both teenagers. For a while, look for the district

Now that Hasha's relationship seems to be getting more and more distant, I planned an outing to take her to a place she liked. Even so, she became very anxious about leaving school, not out of academic concerns, but because she wanted to be separated from her friends at school. After arriving at the seaside cottage that I had rented beforehand, she said it must be boring and not alone.

This is how peer relationships transcend parent-child relationships: she ignores the presence of her parents and thinks that there is "no one" here. "Everyone" is what the child calls the object of attachment, and "no one" is the name of all non-attachment objects. ❌

I kept telling myself in my heart not to confront my daughter. In the beginning, Tasha has been reluctant to come near me, but I am willing to wait, (alone, alone space is needed, in an environment without any outsiders, children seeking security will also find parents, at this time parents do not have to deliberately please, stretch points, the usual state of response can be) and so Tasha's attachment gap continues to grow, and she can no longer bear to run to close to me. My aim is to naturally bring us closer together, so I can't be too deliberate about us. For the first day or two, Tasha's face was unhappy, far from the smiley attitude she had had when she saw me before. In this case, she just saw me as a companion for walking and canoeing together. Then I saw her laugh a few times, and there was more tenderness in her voice. Finally, she started chatting with me and was willing to respond to my hugs. While our relationship was repaired, she also had the desire to cook and eat with me. On the way home, Tasha and I made some plans: take a walk together once a week, or drink hot cocoa in the café once a week. I also promise not to "embarrass" her (educate her!). Pure mood, pure environment, be wise parents). These special arrangements can create an environment for attachment, and I can still guide and guide her.

Tasha also asked me why I had left her first. I started arguing with her that she left me first, and then I suddenly realized that she was right. It is my responsibility as a parent to maintain an intimate relationship with my child, and it is my responsibility as a parent to hold on to Tasha until she no longer needs me. But before the parenting work was done, I unconsciously let her go. No matter how big or small the child is, in fact, the heart needs to be brave to serve the mother, and this must be seen !️ by the parent.

In order to repair my relationship with Tamara, I took a leave of absence, spent a few days hiking with her, and camped in the wilderness. I chose the wilderness that I was familiar with because it would be completely a signpost, and the sports I chose were all her favorites, such as hiking and fishing. At first, she refused my help, always walking in front of or behind me, avoiding communicating with me. Her sullen expression indicated that she didn't want me to be with her. This went on like this for several days, the relationship seemed to be progressing, and I reminded myself to be patient and friendly. It wasn't until the last day, when she was finally willing to walk side by side with me and stay with me, that she changed back to what she had been before, saying this and that to me, and talking about it. Her smile touched my heart deeply, because of the influence of peer orientation, I forgot that we had been happy before... !️

Come on parents!

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