The Paper's reporter Yin Lin
More and more scholars no longer agree that unforgettable pain is a process that always ends.
On January 10, 2022, the People's Court of Chengyang District of Qingdao City pronounced a verdict in the first instance trial of Jiang Ge's mother Jiang Qiulian v. Liu Nuanxi (formerly known as Liu Xin) in the dispute over the right to life. After the verdict was pronounced in court, Jiang Qiulian tightly wrapped her arms around the backpack containing the clothes her daughter wore when she was killed, and cried bitterly.
A friend called at night and described in horror and blame for an incident that had happened during the day.
She took her son to the zoo to play, and the child naughtily climbed up the fence to look at the black bear below, his body swaying back and forth in the wind, and a few seconds later she saw it and grabbed the child's arm. Her friend blamed herself for these few seconds of wandering, and she said that looking down at the row of low railings, two huge black bears were staggering out. "What should I do if my child falls?" I didn't dare to think, I didn't dare to think. ”
The conjecture of losing a child makes this healthy, confident, and energetic adult woman tremble and deeply blame herself. Friends comforted each other and said things they had been afraid of, but no one dared to think: what would happen if they really lost their children?
Some suffering occurs, and the original world can never be returned
Jiang Qiulian really lost her only daughter.
Her life changed completely from the time she returned to Tokyo, or from the day Jiang Ge was killed. A photographer who has been photographing Jiang Qiulian for four years described it this way: "In order to ask her daughter for an explanation, Jiang Qiulian has been running all over the world. One of the most important things is the case of Jiang Qiulian v. Liu Nuanxi' right to life dispute. This is actually a very difficult case, when deciding to prosecute, Jiang Qiulian only had a tokyo judgment against Chen Shifeng, and this case has no precedent worth referencing in China. In addition, until now, Jiang Qiulian still has about 7 online infringement cases to deal with, because she believes that these malicious intentions from netizens are all against her daughter Jiang Ge. Jiang Qiulian once said that when Chen Shifeng's sentence was over, she would continue to look for him to pursue him to the end. She was nearly 70 years old and I was over 50. It can be said that no matter what Jiang Qiulian does or says, she will eventually fall back on Jiang Ge, accompanied by a deep sense of self-blame, and even she feels that her daughter's death is her own fault. ”
With the recent conclusion of the trial of the dispute over Liu Nuanxi's right to life, the headline related to Jiang Qiulian on the new hot search is: Jiang Ge's mother: Wait for the murderer to be released from prison in 2037 and then prosecute.
Jiang Qiulian has long since gone from a lost mother to a party in the news whirlpool. Some people argue for her, standing on the height of law and morality to think about the meaning and value of suing the right to life dispute; some people say that she is paranoid, so long, tired of seeing her angry and sad face and the name on the hot search; some people think that she is pitiful, does not let go of others, hurts her own body, destroys her own life... More and more people are worn by time into spectators and passers-by of this matter, and Jiang Qiulian has long been unable to take care of these, her social platform wrote: "My WeChat personality signature, especially marked a sentence: refuse all kinds of persuasion." No matter how I choose to live, I have not hindered anyone's life, I am more than half a hundred years old, 1867 days, how to live, I think very clearly, please do not come to be my life mentor. ”
The day 1867 is about the day the daughter left her on the day this passage was written.
The collective tendency to avoid pain: the pathology of grief
"Our culture always wants to provide ways to help this person get out of it as soon as possible, and staying in grief for a long time will be seen as unadaptated, unhealthy and pathological." Megan Devane, author of Embracing Grief: Walking You Through Difficult Moments of Bereavement, has been engaged in counseling for many years, dealing with the grief of many clients, until she loses her love and falls into the abyss, and she suddenly discovers that the real sadness is far from what others think: "Some pain will make you unable to cheer up again." Some experiences will upend the whole world, and you may never get better. ”
Deliberate consolation is counterproductive, and the "help" of others can be a violation for someone caught in grief. "Everyone is pointing fingers at you, telling you how to show sadness, how to comfort yourself, the clichés that make you pluck up courage and overcome your pain, and the good exhortations that make you remember the past all feel like a resounding slap." When Megan is deeply involved in grief, she finds that when people whitewash the peace, cover up grief, and define right and wrong for a mother who has lost a child, it does not really eliminate the pain, making us closer to each other, but making the grief sufferer feel worse.
"Bereavement is a highly individualized and complex psychological response. At the same time as losing a loved one, the bereaved person will also lose many things, such as attachment relationships, meaning of life, social relationships, self-identity, beliefs, lifestyles, financial security, etc. Unless you are the one involved, you cannot understand how deep the scars and pain of the loss of a loved one are in the hearts and minds of bereaved people. Grief scholar Robert Nemiel said.
Losing a child has always been the deepest fear of parents. Dr. Brin Brown, known overseas for his TED Talk on "The Power of Vulnerability," exposes a cruel phenomenon in which closing empathy for another person's painful feelings and treating others in an evaluative way can protect our own emotions from suffering — because intense grief reminds the world that life is so fragile and that the nightmares experienced by others can fall on us. If we can put some explanations and standards on the other side, "there must be some reasons and problems in this" and "there can be some better ways to deal with it", we will get a false sense of control and security from it.
Brin Brown's TED Talk: "The Power of Fragility."
We want to be separated from grief and pain, while the mourner continues to walk her path alone.
Reconstruct the meaning of death, and walk hand in hand with grief
Constantly fighting lawsuits, trying to find out the truth about Jiang Ge's death, so that the people who hurt their daughters get the punishment they deserve... A traumatized mother gave herself the courage and meaning to live in this way.
There's always an end, right?
The sad stage theory of experiencing depression and finally coming out of grief and ushering in a new life has disappeared in recent years in international serious psychology journals. More and more scholars no longer agree that unforgettable pain is a process that always ends.
Grief may not go away as we previously thought. Bereaved people may enter a state of peaceful coexistence with grief by rebuilding a positive understanding of life, of the dead, of the meaning of life. In this long and painful process, people will struggle, ask, and explore what caused the death of their loved ones, why this thing happened to their loved ones, and what is the meaning of this thing, and this is precisely a very important step for people to face the death of their loved ones and rebuild the meaning of death. Robert Nemiel's theory of reconstructing meaning in the course of grief offers a greater perspective for understanding others: something that others can't understand, and perhaps think that paranoid things may be ways and steps for the bereaved to continue to live.
"At some point in life, we all experience severe grief or major loss, we all know one or two people who have suffered greatly, and loss is a very common experience of life. Our culture and customs tend to eliminate grief, yet grief can be seen as a natural human response to death and loss, rather than an emotion that needs to be corrected. By shifting the focus from grief being a problem that can be solved to grief being an experience that needs to be cared for, people can get the help they need most: understanding, empathy, recognition, and ways to embrace pain. Megan said.
Grief can be endless, and grieving people can not be alone.
Editor-in-Charge: Chen Hua
Proofreader: Luan Meng