Written by 丨 Cookie Daddy
Edit 丨Aga
Audit teacher 丨Qu Xiaoyan
Gaslighting - Gas lamp To manipulate someone psychologically such that they question their own sanity. Psychologically manipulate an object so much that they wonder if they are mentally healthy.
If it is not difficult to manipulate one's psychology, that is, brainwashing, how many people can be sure that they will not be manipulated?
Probably most people don't think they'll be easily manipulated, is that really the case?
Craig Malkin, a well-known psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, said—
"The gaslight effect is an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse because it can weaken your self-confidence."
Gaslighting is a new type of crime in which the perpetrator emotionally abuses and manipulates the victim, causing him to gradually lose his self-esteem and develop self-doubt.
The horror is that most victims are unaware that they are being manipulated, that they are being psychologically abused, and that sometimes the perpetrator is unaware that they are manipulating others.
The gaslight effect, also known as cognitive negation, is that the manipulator instills false, one-sided or deceptive words into the victim for a long time, so that the victim questions his cognition, memory and mental state, and finally achieves the purpose of manipulating the other party.
The word Gaslighting comes from a 1944 American film, Gaslight.
The film tells the story of a male protagonist (Anton) who disguises himself as a considerate husband in order to get the property of the female protagonist (Paula) and uses psychological tactics to drive Paula crazy.
Anton uses various methods to make Paula form psychological fears, such as making the gas lamp in the room flicker on and off, creating a creepy sound on the roof, etc., but when Paula tells Anton about these things, Anton says that she has a mental problem.
In addition, he often hid Paula's things and accused Paula of having amnesia.
This series of processes causes Paula to doubt her memory, perception, or reason, admit that she has psychological problems, and become more dependent on Anton.
It can be seen from this that the victim is more and more dependent on the perpetrator, and even deeply loves the perpetrator, and blames all the mistakes on himself.
Victims often don't think of themselves as victims because they believe that what the perpetrator does is "for their own good."
Another terrible thing about Gaslighting is that the perpetrator, the Gaslighter, may be the closest person around him, such as lovers, family, friends, girlfriends, etc.
If you find that you usually communicate with other people very easily, but feel very unnatural when facing certain people, it is always your fault to discuss and argue with these people, and when you are with these people, you always doubt your memory and logic, then you should pay attention to it, you may have met Gaslighter.
Gaslighter generally has the following characteristics -
- Make decisions for another person with the right nerve
- Frequently ignore the feelings of others and belittle the achievements of others
- Personality is like fire, often turning his face and throwing tantrums
- Have a strong possessiveness
- Never be wrong, and never admit a mistake
Gaslighters all have certain routines, and they often erode the psychology of the manipulated object through a series of processes.
01 The emergence of contradictions
Gaslighter likes to pick at things and cause conflicts.
For Gaslighter, this stage is arguably the most important stage, because he needs to make the manipulated object feel remorse through contradiction, which gives him a legitimate reason to blame and manipulate.
At this time, they will stop at nothing to make the manipulated object admit their mistakes and submit to them. But not every time you succeed, you will move on to the next stage.
02 Emergence of violence
Gaslighter generally likes to use verbal violence, they will reduce each other's self-esteem through blame, insults, etc., and will also say things like "you have psychological problems" like Anton in the movie, so that the other party forms self-doubt, and finally makes the other party admit that it is their own mistake.
03 Reconciliation
At this stage, the cunning Gaslighter will offer to reconcile with the manipulated object and "forgive" the other party.
But at this time, he will still blame the victim, will say that the other party is making a fuss and not loving himself enough, thus further reducing the other party's self-esteem.
It can be seen that Gaslighter is always nobler than the victim, and his status is always in a higher position.
04 Sweet Formula
At this time, Gaslighter will use hypocritical sweet words to gain forgiveness and trust from the victims, at this time they appear gentle and considerate on the surface, and use some excuses to explain their violent behavior, such as "because I love you to do this", "everything is for your own good" and so on.
Victims whose self-esteem is already low are difficult not to be soft in the face of Gaslighter's false sincerity, so they will choose to forgive and believe that he truly loves himself.
That's it, a vicious circle is formed between Gaslighter and the manipulated, as the psychologist Fromm mentioned in Escape from Freedom.
"For the abuser, the abused person is their source of strength and spiritual pillar; for the abused person, they need the abuser as an authority to dominate themselves."
Gaslighting is not impossible to get rid of, and as mentioned earlier, we can tell by some indications which person is Gaslighter and whether I am being manipulated.
Most victims also know that they are very miserable in this relationship, but they just don't know how to get rid of it, or they don't dare to get rid of it.
Faced with the authority of truly "loving" themselves, the victim will choose to deceive himself, constantly rationalizing Gaslighter's behavior and persuading himself not to think too much.
So how exactly do we get rid of Gaslighting? These points can help you -
01 Stick to your own decisions
Gaslighter often likes to make decisions for others, for example, some authoritative parents will interfere with their children's every move, including children's work, marriage, etc., and children who grow up in such families generally have low self-esteem.
Therefore, it is important to stick to your own decisions and ideas for forming a sound personality.
02 Maintain independence
Everyone has their own boundaries, and Gaslighter will always try to break through that border to dominate others.
We need to define our boundaries and resolutely stop them when someone wants to cross the line.
03 Confidence
Self-confidence can also help us bravely face Gaslighter, which is important for maintaining our own sense of self-esteem, and we can doubt each other before we doubt ourselves.
04 Talk
When you doubt whether you really have a problem, you can confide in trusted people around you, which will not only make more people aware of the seriousness of the matter, but also help you sort yourself out. When the situation is serious, you can also seek the help of a psychological counselor.
Finally, be brave to Say NO!
"I don't need you to help me make decisions!"
"I don't have a problem!"
"Don't interfere with my life!"
Let Gaslighter be dead-hearted from the start and let him know that you will never give in to him.
Finally, I would like to ask everyone, are you confident that you will not become a Gaslighter?
In a modern competitive society, one of the main victims of Gaslighting is teenagers.
Most teenagers are actually manipulated by their parents, and more and more children no longer have their own ideals, but regard their parents' ideals as their own ideals.
Farhan in the movie "Three Fools Bollywood" is a typical example.
Forced by the pressure of his family, he gave up his ideals and went to engineering school, even if he went to the best university in India, he could not have any fun in his studies.
Later, through the persuasion of his nemesis Rancher, he plucked up the courage to show his ideals to his father - the photographer, who was resolutely opposed at first, but after knowing Farhan's sincerity, he said such a sentence -
"Go live out yourself, my son."
When you learn that your child has an ideal that is completely contrary to yours, can you also recognize his ideal?
Each of us has the potential to become an authority on a certain individual, and we need to be careful not to try to dominate the minds of others.
Gaslighting will make a person's psychology slowly die, which is no different from murder, each of us needs to pay attention to, but also need to reflect.
"P&P Clinical Psychology Lab" is a service-oriented psychology platform built by the Department of Psychology of the School of Philosophy of Wuhan University to practice the concept of combining knowledge and action.
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