One reader said that her five-and-a-half-year-old daughter always cries when she encounters difficulties. She offered to memorize ancient poems, and I reminded her of one sentence that I couldn't remember, and I was blamed for reminding her. I remembered it again, and when I didn't remind her, she cried incessantly. ”
When a child is frustrated and crying when she is having difficulties, how can we communicate to make the child respond positively?
Don't rush to blame, and don't be too quick to comfort
If parents are in a hurry to accuse their children: "Don't cry, what is the use of crying?" "Children are already depressed and blamed by their parents, which increases anger, and negative emotions are stronger and more difficult to change." Under these strong negative emotions, the child's sense of incompetence of "I can't memorize, I can't carry" will be deeply imprinted.
If you comfort the child too quickly: "Don't cry, this poem is too difficult, we don't memorize it." "Doing this ostensibly to help children get away from depression, but in fact, frustration is a very complicated emotion, and each frustration hides a "I want to do well" force, and when we drive away the frustration, we also drive away the strength to do a good job.
When a child recites a poem again, he thinks not "I want to memorize the poem well", but "the back of the poem is annoying, I don't want to memorize the poem", and when he can't memorize it, he will escape.
Empathy, seeing the complexity and contradiction of a child's emotions
First of all, parents accept the child's frustration and understand the frustration and frustration that she wants to memorize and tries to memorize but cannot carry it.
Say to the child: "You want to memorize this poem, but you can't memorize it several times, you're a little anxious, aren't you?" "You don't want your mother to remind you that you can be a little upset when you want to carry it independently and if your back doesn't go well, do you?" Use these questions to see how frustrated your child feels when he encounters setbacks.
Second, parents should look a little deeper than their children, and see the power of "I want to memorize" under the feeling of frustration. When the child cries for a while and the negative emotions ease up a little, say to the child: "It's so hard to carry, but you still want to carry it down, don't you?" "You want to memorize it fluently, even if it takes a little more time, you want to memorize it well, don't you?"
At this time, true empathy is not as simple as "I understand you", but really understand the complexity and contradiction of children's emotions, and be able to see and strengthen the power of "wanting to learn" in the contradiction of wanting to learn and not wanting to learn.
See your child's difficulties and help her find ways to overcome them
When the child's "I want to learn" power is activated, parents should not simply encourage the child: "You are very good, you will be able to memorize", but to see where the child can not be memorized before and stuck, to help her find a way to overcome difficulties.
For example, the child memorized a poem yesterday and quickly memorized it, but today this poem is more jerky, and it cannot be memorized many times and is in a hurry, and the result is that the more anxious it is, the more chaotic it is.
Then parents should understand the law of memory, let the child pause for a while, and then recite it several times when the mood is stable, and say to the child: "This poem is relatively raw, you can memorize it several times, read it 5 times each time, and come back 5 times after a while to see if you can memorize it several times." ”
You can also teach your child to sing poetry out, and you can also find a small video to help your child understand poetry, and it will be much easier to memorize it on the basis of rhyme or understanding. Finding such a method is like finding a suitable ladder for the child, and it is not difficult for the child to step on the ladder.
When the child encounters difficulties and is depressed, parents must first accept the child's frustration, and at the same time activate the power of "I want to do well" under the depressed emotion, and then see where the child is stuck, and help him find the way he can use to overcome the difficulty.
When children cross difficulties, they will gain the confidence that "no matter how difficult it is, I can find a way" and will be truly confident.
Expert introduction
Tian Hongjie: Associate Professor of Beijing Youth University of Political Science, Doctor of Psychology of Beijing Normal University, author of the best-selling book "Don't Roar, Let Children Fall in Love with Learning", and anchor of the Himalayas "Efficient Homework Class for Primary School Students".
Source: Marriage and Family Magazine