A few days ago, the girlfriends who were often gathered were discussing the topic of what circumstances can be divorced. Everyone you say to me, "divorce when you have an affair", "divorce from domestic violence", "divorce from alcoholism", "you can consider divorce if you can't earn money". The mother-in-law, who had been busy with the side, was also asked to speak. The unspeakable mother-in-law said, "Do your own thing!" This means, don't get a divorce under any circumstances.
Thinking carefully about my mother-in-law's words, I think it is very simple but very reasonable.
In marriage, do your own thing, reduce the expectation of your partner, encounter problems is not to think of changing people first, but to see where you can't do it, what is not a kind of wisdom.
Recently read a book, Eva. Maria. Churhorst wrote Love Yourself, And Whoever Marries You Are. The authors argue that 70% of divorces are unnecessary. Can't look forward to finding happiness and joy from your partner. No matter who you marry, you will always end up meeting yourself.
Eva. Maria. Zurhorst is a trusted and popular emotional physician in Europe. Through her personal experience and more than 1,000 counseling cases, she summed up such a marriage truth: love yourself and who marries the same. Peaked on the perception of many people.
1 Don't change yourself and change your lover? The fate is still the same The real partner is himself
Friend Xiaoyun is getting a divorce. Xiao yun used to have a very good job, and when he was in the ascendancy of his career, he had a child. Because there is no old man to help with the child, the husband is busy at work, and the child needs to be taken care of, she resigned and became a full-time mother.
A few years have passed, and her husband's career has become better and better, but Xiaoyun has become more and more confused. Whenever someone asked her what kind of work she did, she was always uncomfortable and afraid of being looked down upon by others.
Until one day, the husband and wife quarreled over a small matter, and her husband said that she "achieved nothing". Xiaoyun completely collapsed, she regretted it, regretted having children so early, regretted giving up her job so early, and even regretted marrying this person.
She thought of several of her ex-boyfriends and fantasized about whether the marriage would be better if she married someone else?
Wouldn't it be better to change someone? A lot of people in the marriage siege will have this idea. Some have taken action to this end, changed partners, and are looking forward to starting a new journey. After a while, it was still as painful, and the marriage was full of frivolity and inexplicable heartbreak.
Is there another one? A lot of people work on this. But in the end, it turned out that no matter who you married, the result was the same.
In fact, breaking up is not the solution to the problem. What you need is not to change a lover, but to change yourself. It's not about finding the right half that makes you happy. Happiness is in your own hands. Because at the end of the day, no matter who you marry, you will always meet yourself in the end. Can't resolve the inner conflict, the same as who marries. Your true partner is yourself.
2 Accepting an imperfect partner is accepting an imperfect self
There is a story in the Bible that when God created man, he first created a man, then made the man sleep, took one of the man's ribs, and created a woman. So there was the world's first couple.
So marriage is the process of finding the other half.
Without the other half, your life is incomplete. When we found the other half, we wanted to have each other completely, so we couldn't wait to get into marriage.
We thought that the prince and the princess would live happily ever after. However, after marriage, it was found that the prince and princess had become frogs and Cinderella. We can always spot each other's flaws and see where he makes us unhappy.
We can't accept each other's imperfections because we can't fully accept ourselves. The author gives an example of this.
One person has only one leg, and in order to walk, find another person who also has only one leg. The two people were able to walk together and were able to walk from then on. The joy of walking even makes them forget that they used to have only one leg.
Together they walked in one direction. Until one day, one of them wants to go left and the other wants to go right. They stumbled, fell, and could no longer move forward. They forget that they originally had only one leg, and put the responsibility for the difficulty of walking on the other side's head.
Many people feel that partners should be responsible for our happiness. This leads us to unrealistic expectations of our partner and prevents us from accepting our partner as he is. Not only do we forget that we are one-legged, but we also forget that the other person is one-legged. We always want to change each other and make each other what we expect.
When we understand that there is no perfect person, no longer force the other party to change, and try to accept the imperfect partner, this is actually accepting the imperfect self. This is the true meaning of "loving yourself".
3. Consciously love and persevere, and there will be gains
The road of life is long, and a partner is indispensable. But the author tells us that a partner is just a character in your life script. There is a saying that goes well: "You are the center of my world, but not my whole world." "It's a good idea to describe a relationship with a partner.
Because, marriage, in essence, is a practice of the self.
Whether active or passive, we must learn to grow. Marriage is our key university, growth is our profession, accepting imperfect partners is a lifelong lesson, and consciously loving your partner is daily homework.
To love consciously is to actively love, even when the partner is not lovely. Ask yourself, "What can I do to make this relationship better?" ”
To love consciously is to take the initiative to be aware of your own emotions and thoughts, reduce your expectations of the other party and want to change the other person's thoughts.
To love consciously is to believe that you yourself are the master of your emotions, that your happiness is your own responsibility.
When you insist on consciously loving every day, I believe that in the near future, you will be able to harvest a lot in marriage.
No matter who you marry, you will always meet yourself in the end. The other half is your mirror that shows where you need to grow. There is no perfect lover, only a growing self. Want to escape from the siege of marriage? Can't find a sense of worth in a marriage? Want to change the status quo of your marriage, but can't do anything about it? If you also have the above situation, read the book "Love Yourself, Marry Everyone The Same"! Give yourself a chance, give your marriage a way out, find love, courage and hope, and you can also harvest a happy marriage.