Zhang Ailing was childless and childless all her life, and after the death of her husband Lai Ya, for nearly 30 years, she was completely alone. She was single again, insisted on living alone, rented non-stop, cut off almost everything, and was a lonely empty nester.
She is a top Internet celebrity in the literary world, but she has deliberately disappeared. The article had not been written for a long time, and even his death was discovered a week later. It is said that on September 8, 1995, at 12:00 noon, Zhang Ailing's executor, the architect Lin Shitong, was about to open a newspaper to read, when suddenly the phone rang. It was the daughter of the landlord of the apartment where Zhang Ailing lived, an Iranian girl. She panicked and cried, "You are the only person I know who knows Zhang, I think she is dead"!
When Lin Shitong and the Los Angeles police arrived and kicked open the door of the room, they found that Zhang Ailing had been abandoned for a long time, and her body was slightly decayed. Lin Shitong recalled that she reclined on the only furniture in the room against the wall, a camp bed, "the remains were very serene, just surprisingly thin, and the warm fluorescent lamp was still on when the landlord found it."
▲ After Zhang's death, Lin Shitong cleaned up the scene of the room and all the relics
Zhang Ailing's later career is like an isolated island. On the surface, it is inevitable to be miserable, coupled with her kind of sad death method, with the habitual concept of our countrymen, the vast majority of friends are afraid that they will feel that she is pitiful!
But in essence, we like to treat others with ourselves so much, but we sincerely ignore the most critical point: all these lifestyles, and even the way of materialization, are Zhang Ailing's own choices and settings. She pursues a minimalist life, living in semi-seclusion, immersed in the preference of reading and writing, "as long as I live, I have to keep writing, I write very slowly."
This point, as Lin Shi recalled in the article "Having the Opportunity to Know Zhang Ailing" written later, when he, as a late-born descendant, was assisting Zhang Ailing herself to achieve her suzhi, so that she could live quietly according to her own wishes and bid farewell to the human world without any trouble. Her will was, "The body was immediately cremated, and the ashes were scattered in a deserted place", and her attitude was calm and determined.
She never meant to escape from reality. Dumen swept away in order to create a calm space, to do what he loved and wanted to do, and at the same time not to trouble others, not to passively escape. Wang Anyi said that she is also very worldly, "just a worldly point of interest, different from ordinary people", not much like the xingxing head, in the current fashionable words, probably "dark cool".
When she was very young, she realized that some people in the world are very strange, and they always don't understand that in addition to flying, there is also a stable side of life.
She was conscious and worked very hard to maintain this low-desire lifestyle and live her own life without interference.
She herself has never been pretentiously self-pitying, let alone the world's pity. In her later years, she was interviewed by Taiwanese female writer Yin Yunpeng and said very bluntly, "I am lonely and accustomed. I don't care what people say." Really, it's not so much that she is lonely, but that we are overwhelmed by her cold and strange woman who does not play cards according to common sense.
▲ Old Shanghai during Zhang Ailing's time
Over the years, too many people, especially female authors of self-media, have overflowed with sympathy, often saying that she is pitiful and lamenting. I think that the so-called "pity" refers to a kind of loss that cannot be saved from the tragedy of the sad situation; and judging whether a person is "miserable" or "pitiful" is an extremely subjective, cold and warm self-aware psychological taste.
Shoes are uncomfortable, people who wear it know, whether the day is good or not, only they know it, where do outsiders feel superior and self-righteous? Zhang Ailing's method of living and dying, to the greatest extent, is arranged by herself, is intentional, and even yearns to look forward to, which is almost as desired. She doesn't expect anyone to understand when she lives, let alone die!
▲The blanket that Zhang used before his death was cushioned under his body when he died
The vast majority of people in the world will compromise with the world and live a "standardized life" without wrongdoing, Zhang Ailing has always insisted on her will and never regretted it - although she is not a fighter, never excited. These, the memories of Song Qi, Lin Shitong, Chen Shijun and others, are all said very thoroughly, and they are all envious of her dashing, why pity her?
Many friends, rather than saying that they "sympathize" with Zhang Ailing, are more likely to say that this kind of person is very estranged from Zhang Ailing and her spiritual world and life choices. The "success" they understand is that they are famous and rich, and there are groups of descendants; what they think of as "happiness" is limited to a group of people getting together, laughing and playing, and "positive energy" every day to the point of chicken blood filling the brain. Zhang Ailing wanted, where lacking, just refused.
High school graduation photo from 1937
Scholar Xu Zidong said slightly harshly that looking at Zhang Ailing with that kind of square dance aunt-like worldly vision, to evaluate her choices in her later years, is the wrong place for compassion, how can it not be misread?
We know that Zhang Ailing was once very embarrassed in middle age, but after the 1980s, with the resurgence of her reputation, coupled with being alone and homeless, her financial situation was actually very good.
▲Xu Zidong
At the time of her death, her estate was nearly HK$2.7 million in bank cash alone, not to mention the constant flow of royalties. In a letter to her brother Zhang Zijing on January 20, 1989, she also said that everyone around her felt that she had "made a fortune." According to common sense, she can live a very flashy, lively life, calmly stroll in the major Vanity Fair, enjoy the vanity of the stars and the moon, just like Jiang Yiyan's celebrities dreamed of.
Second, she can definitely live a more "normal" life like me and other "ordinary people". She has endless savings, there are brothers and other relatives in The country, countless "die-hard fans" all over the Chinese circle, where the days need such a clear suffering, long years of living, shadow alone, independent, and irregular living, simple and rational diet, like "original healthy food", usually only eat some cakes, biscuits and the like. She also has hobbies that she can't change, fresh milk must-have, snacks constantly.
For ordinary people like me, Zhang Ailing is indeed incomprehensible, more or less a quirky person. This former Qing dynasty old descendant, the personality is not lonely but cold, perennial maverick, often appears inhumane. All her life, she likes to be alone, to make up her own mind, and does not seem to need any friends. When she was a teenager, a cousin had a good relationship with her, but she died early; later, she lived with her aunt, and everything was AA.
She does not like any entanglement and interference, perceives the world thoroughly, treats people coldly, is the case when she was a girl, and there is no non-human encounter with "great changes in temperament".
In her later years, she was already a "rich woman", but her life was still like a Puritan.
She did not have the heart to save money, because it was useless to save, and it was impossible to finish, and the will was donated and given away. She just lived in this minimalist life, and minimalist relationships. She is a famous disciple, since birth, she has seen too much prosperity and liveliness, and she has been cold since she was young. Readers' letters, never bothered to return, never paid for three years in Hong Kong, and did not learn to dance at HKU very strangely.
In her later years, although renting a house, the conditions proposed are also the lowest, as long as there is a "single room, bathroom, no insects, it is best to have a refrigerator", "it is best to have no stove, it is best to have no furniture"; generally half a month to open the mailbox, there is something to contact people. Rarely go out, don't cook, eat convenience foods all year round, and occasionally add a nutritious milkshake to replenish energy. For more than 20 years, they have lived like Wuhan compatriots hiding from the epidemic, and they are still comfortable.
▲ Zhang 1960 U.S. immigrant "green card", the document shows that he arrived in the United States on October 22, 1955, at Port 26, 13th District, San Francisco
The novels she writes, in which the characters are either mentally ill or physically ill, are all sympathetic and critical tones. Many readers believe that she has mental problems, such as depression or something. In fact, anyone who has had contact with her does not feel that there is something wrong with her, not even "weird". She has been seeing a doctor, but so far, there is no record of her mental abnormality. The writer Wang Zhenhe, who has traveled together, said that she is very talkative to acquaintances, very "natural affinity", and her perception is different from that of readers.
Her body wasn't bad either. In terms of health, "Whisper" said that she had a serious illness around 1936; Zhang Zijing's "My Sister Zhang Ailing" mentioned her long-term constipation; "Zhang Ailing Zhuang Xinzheng Correspondence Collection" revealed that she preferred sweets, had teeth damage in her later years, and frequently had to see a dentist. There is also the famous "suspected skin disease", and the rest is not at all abnormal. Her ultimate cause of death was cardiovascular disease.
Before leaving Washington in 1966
Many people suspect that she has mental problems, but in fact, she is still thick. On the cause of misunderstanding, the most basic materials have not been read, pure Baidu zhixue or secondary; the core is still saying, thinking is not at one level, understanding is naturally biased, so it is normal to think that Zhang is neurotic.
It can be said that Zhang Ailing in her later years, who is famous in the world and rich in materials, can be like a wise person who sees through all the illusions with cold eyes, and she does not care about it, and calmly and decently accepts all the endings.
It is difficult for us to understand her, and the only explanation is probably that her spiritual world is extremely independent, her heart is extremely strong, and her protection of private space is extremely strict, which is very different from the thinking and seeking of ordinary people. All this should be most related to her life. Her original family is very depressed, and when she becomes an adult, she has been emotionally hurt, and her guard against people is naturally heavier, and she likes to indulge in the personal world, coldly watch all kinds of similarities, and diligently write books.
Her brother said that the two sisters and brothers, having experienced that kind of living environment, had built a self-enclosed world in their hearts since childhood: self-defense, selfishness, self-indulgence." Handan's dreams are broken, the bell rings are missed, the way to see through the retreat, and no one knows the end of death, which is in line with her traditional personality and also fits her consistent pursuit.
You say that she is pitiful, but she actually wrote in the book her compassion for me and other sentient beings. Not only did she feel pitiful, but from her letters to the people close to her, the older her state of mind became, the calmer she became, and even the more she willingly enjoyed the spiritual tranquility brought about by the life of living in isolation, just like the people who had struggled all their lives, finally got their home, and their bodies and minds were liberated. At the age of 24, she wrote an article that said, "I like to be tragic, I prefer to be desolate. Tragedy is a kind of completion, and desolation is a kind of revelation", as if it were a proverb.
Throughout her life, she lived according to her own wishes and did not fail, as the popular opinion did. Moreover, as her brother lamented, the descendants of Li Hongzhang, Zhang Peilun, and Sun Baoqi are the only ones who "have perseverance and determination to live a legend, and may be the 'Zhang Ailing' who has been handed down from generation to generation", "After a few years, perhaps people will forget who Zhang Peilun or Li Hongzhang are, and when they are mentioned by name, it must be emphasized that it is 'Zhang Ailing's grandfather' or 'Zhang Ailing's maternal great-grandfather'".
Zhi An, editor-in-chief of the mainland edition of The Complete Works of Zhang Ailing, once said: "I think there are two words that are particularly frightening: one is 'presumably so', and the other is 'natural', which hit the imaginary seven inches."
▲ Zhi'an and Shen Xing
I want to say that in her later years, Zhang Ailing's life, although not poetic, is actually comfortable.
▲After Zhang Ailing's sea burial, the participants took a group photo in the dock
As if all in the world, prosperous or beautiful, whether it is embarrassing or imprisoned, in her cool eyes, it is nothing more than a joke. Ripe yellow sorghum, car swirling ant nest, all cold and warm self-knowledge, in the end fools dream, beyond the ordinary people are very common kind of mourning feelings. Even when she died, Lin Tongshi, as "the only Chinese who had seen the last side of Zhang Ailing", spoke very clearly, and walked without concern and symptoms. The happiest life, but that's it!
In terms of personal experience, I have never felt that Zhang Ailing is pitiful. Not only did she not feel this way, but she was even very envious of her peaceful and self-satisfied life. I would like to ask, how many people in the world can live purely according to their own wishes, can live their lives without being shocked in the face of the chaos of the world, and can bid farewell to the world in the way they want?
At the beginning, the Greek philosopher Dionysian, calmly living in a wooden barrel, Alexander the Great admired him, pitied him, and asked him to come out and promise him wealth. He didn't even look up, "Please go away, you're blocking my sunlight." I think that if Zhang Ailing could still speak, in the face of those red men and green women who pitied her at every turn, her subtext estimation was similar:
"Hey, you self-made amorous little pot friends, flash while coughing!"