Dreams are the voices of the heart. Some people say that there are actually two mes in the world, one pretending to be happy and the other really sad. I would like to say that there are actually two kinds of life in this life. If real life is a life, then dreams are another world, another life. When she was a girl, her dreams were more pink, and in her dreams there was a handsome young man, freshly dressed and angry, reeling and amorous, wandering in dreams. However, in the end, I couldn't see his face clearly. After watching more martial arts novels and martial arts dramas, dreams are rivers and lakes. I am a weak female stream, I can dance with a gun and play with a sword, and I can use all eighteen weapons. Wearing a white cloak, the cornices walk on the wall, the heavens enter the earth, come and go like the wind, fluttering like a fairy. The road is uneven, drawing swords to help each other, robbing the rich and helping the poor, eradicating evil and eliminating adultery, and being quick to take revenge, just like a chivalrous demeanor. When I wake up, I will regret that there are no rivers and lakes in real life, and I will never become a heroine with flying cornices and walls, but I am just a mediocre member of thousands of women in the dust, and I can't do an earth-shattering career. Martial arts will always be an adult fairy tale. The dreams of girls' generation are free, romantic, colorful, and short-lived. After getting married, he fell into the secular life of chai rice oil and salt, and also fell into the inevitable complex and sharp family conflicts. I don't know when it will no longer have color in the dream, and there will no longer be the wanton freedom to release the soul. Strange married life brings confusion and fear of loss, and the strength disguised during the day removes its hard mask in the night, often weak and unable to help itself. Many times the body and mind are haggard, tired, weak and sad, quietly crying, tears, flowing in the mouth, sour, astringent. Falling on the pillow, wet, wet... My girlish dreams and chivalrous dreams are gone, and complex family conflicts have opened up nightmare mode. He, who has not yet grown into a real man, is not strong enough to be the patron saint of life. She,"My mother-in-law," a divorced woman in her early years, with a strong and domineering personality, with a strange temper, has always insisted on her strength, strong enough to refuse to let go of everything, strong enough to defy me into the dust and spit into the garbage heap. Such a family structure makes me, who likes freedom and unrestrained, in an awkward position, like an iron lock across the river, can not go up, can not come down. All kinds of discord during the day turn into nightmares at night.
One long nightmare after another, countless nightmares, swelled in the night. When you close your eyes, there seems to be a top in your brain, constantly spinning, turning faster and faster, until it is fast enough to get out of control... It was like a bundle of ropes entangled and knotted, pumping tighter and tighter until it was suffocating. So, they woke up from a nightmare crying or choking and sobbing, or woke up by the man on the pillow shaking and shaking and patting... In a cold sweat, the limbs and hundreds of skeletons were heavy and paralyzed, as if they had sucked out their muscles and bones, and they could not move for half a day. After complete awakening, insomnia, headaches, entanglements, sadness ... In the dream, it was always the strong, domineering, eccentric and difficult mother-in-law who unreasonably provoked, harassed, and scolded me. It made me wake up in a frenzied horror in the midst of one angry dream after another. How can a young and kind woman who should have taken poetry as her heart, sad spring and autumn, be haunted by nightmares night after night? Nightmares, fear, cries... Almost night and night. The process from dreaming to waking up was like a ball that slowly inflated its breath, suddenly exploded and burst, and the ground was in pieces. Subconsciously, what am I afraid of? What is buried in the depths of the soul? Can't get rid of it until you fall asleep? Can't even sleep peacefully? Mother-in-law, is she really so terrible? The chain effect of nightmares is insomnia, insomnia that lasts until dawn. During the day, there is no rest, the head is heavy, the body is lazy, the anxiety, the upset, the extreme lack of self-confidence, the inexplicable hesitation, all kinds of strange thoughts flash out of common sense - divorce? run away? suicide? Kill him? Kill her? ...... These thoughts are constantly intertwined and infinitely expanded. Beneath my calm exterior lurked waves of evil thoughts. Battered by nightmares and insomnia night after night, year after year, I suffered from severe neurasthenia and migraines. During the day, the fragile and sensitive nerves could no longer withstand any high decibel volume shock, and when they heard it, it was like a flood of beasts swooping up and engulfing the bite, and the heart beat faster and panicked. Restless emotions bound me like a thousand spider silk fishing nets, and I felt like I was out of breath and suffocated to death. I always had a hunch that one day I would die in this humble room, uninjured, unintended, unscathed, in the bed where I had had countless nightmares. Every day when there is a big sun, he is very disgusted and afraid. The man who shone with the bright and dangling sun was dizzy, nauseous and dizzy. The void flutters as if it is in the illusion: the illusory sun, the illusory life, the illusory me, the illusory world, the ridiculous life! I liked the darkness, but I was afraid of the night, afraid of the nightmare that I could not get rid of after falling asleep in the night. Mixed in with these nightmares are some strange dreams: a man who has traveled a long way to a strange and bustling metropolis, who does not know what to do or who to look for. Standing in the crowd of people, I don't know where to go, confused, confused, helpless... I am walking on a flat and wide road with cliffs on one side and a canyon on the other. Both sides of the road are full of herbs and flowers, and they are walking calmly and comfortably, stepping into the air and falling into the deep valley... A thick white fog surrounded me, and I was trapped in it, unable to discern the direction and unable to find a way out. The fog became tighter and denser, suffocating. In a panic, the thick fog carried me into the air... The fog suddenly cleared again, and I fell...
I was still twenty-six or seventeen years old, and my parents were worried that I had not yet married. Insisted on arranging for me to go on a blind date to find my in-laws' family, and urged me to marry and have children. But I vaguely remembered that I was married, had a family, a husband and children. So he ran away from home without resisting, crying bitterly to find his in-laws, husbands and children. Mom and Dad are sad and I'm sad... Wake up and think, it's really nonsense, I got married at the age of twenty-two, how could I not know how to have such a strange dream once? I often dream about exams, and I take subjects that I am not good at or will not do. ...... Several large pieces of paper in dense font are covered with various questions. I am very careful to solve, actually can also be solved, half of the time is not calm, there are many people have handed in the papers, panicked. Judging that the inscription is too small, looking laborious, arbitrarily judging it, so with a stroke of the pen, ×××√√√××√√. Squinting, the neighboring table was spreading out the history books copying the meaning of the Opium War, and the invigilator paced around as if he did not have long eyes. And as soon as I probed at the intermittent sentence, I was caught, and I wanted to take away the test paper, and I hadn't finished it, I hadn't finished it. I argued with the invigilator and pleaded, and then gave me the test paper to continue. But in her heart, she was very angry: why could she copy the book? It was not easy to finish, when the paper was handed in, a test paper suddenly appeared at the bottom of the test paper, covered with dense and dense test questions, and I woke up in a hurry... Another exam, the exam is a bunch of complicated and huge data, racking your brains is not good at calculation, tired! After the exam to go home, everyone else is riding back by car, I ride a bicycle alone and carry a person back, and it is a road with dozens of twists and turns, riding to the halfway can not move, really tired! Finally returned home, the husband and children are gone, anxious to find again, even more tired! Overwhelmed and struggling to wake up... Is it a dream? Or is it reality? Or is it the projection of reality in a dream? One day, after I uncontrollably told a friend with a lot of experience, he decided decisively: depression! Anxiety disorders! But so what? No one has the heart and energy to care about your parents' short and short skin, the Virgin's heart is flooded to be your psychiatrist, life teacher, and some sores can only be healed by their own time. What person's life is not a chicken feather? It's just that some people choose to be hysterical, some people choose to be silent, some people choose to let go. I, on the other hand, chose to continue to act in my dreams. Stupid? Stupid? Obsessed? Silly? Some people's places have rivers and lakes, think about it, their own married family, do you know that it is not a place of rivers and lakes? The wind is rising, the sword is light and the sword is shadowy. The mother-in-law is the overlord of the jianghu and has always used her usual sharp ways and means to consolidate her hegemonic position. Under the obscenity, her son, my patron saint, became an obedient little. And I, the daughter-in-law who has dreamed of countless chivalrous dreams, is regarded by her as an invasion of evil cults and undercover agents. Bent on beating it into the cellar heavenly prison, unable to turn over the palm of her hand, unable to escape her control, let her shout and command at will, only then can it be considered to be satisfied and determined. In the confrontation with my mother-in-law, because I was bound by the titles of intellectuals, readers, and people's teachers, I finally couldn't let go of my hands and feet to learn the shrew scolding the street, and Fought with her for three hundred rounds, always falling into a state of embarrassment. Caught in the quagmire of nightmares, in the double torture of spirit and psychology, he was suddenly nearly middle-aged. I have experienced more things, my vision has gradually become higher, my state of mind has gradually become detached, and my mind has gradually become open-minded. Looking back at the entanglement of these mundane things, I can't help but sigh secretly, feeling that it is not worth it. More than ten years of good times, trapped in a pile of family affairs as a cocoon to tie themselves, abandon hobbies and pursuits, waste time and years, how shallow! How stupid! If the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not good, it will not be done, she is strong from her, I am weak, I am weak. Without the strength to confront her, we cultivated the "Ling Bo Microstep" of the Qiaoyao Sect and tried to escape. If you want to open, there will be fewer nightmares, depression and anxiety will gradually disappear, life will have joy, and there will be more flowers in dreams. I thought that if I broke free from the contradiction between my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, everything would be dark and bright, and my mind would be more mature and determined, but I didn't expect that when another purgatory came, I still couldn't do it calmly like water. That year, Erbao was born, and depression swept in again. My mother was seriously ill again, and soon after she died of illness, she buried my mother-in-law, and when my father saw me, he complained and blamed me for not serving soup and water in front of my mother-in-law's bed. His blame made me feel guilty and uneasy, like a rope, coupled with the grief of losing my mother, the hardship of caring for a child less than one year old, the weakness of my body... A thunderclap sounded, and the unit that had worked for more than ten years as its home suddenly announced "withdrawal and merger", and the wind and rain were fluttering and worse. Multiple blows struck like a mountain, and they did not want to destroy the heart and liver, and they were weak like a dead leaf in the autumn wind, which would wither and disappear at any time. The dark night is coming, the nightmare is attacking......... I was struggling to find my mother, attached to her like a child who had not grown up, looking for her, but I couldn't find her. Finally remembering, it turned out that she was no longer in the world. I had to go to find her burial place, only to see that all around was a reckless and fluttering golden wheat field, I didn't know where she was buried, I walked many paths crisscrossed, I saw her lonely grave standing alone in a wheat field, and I cried like a child who was very aggrieved and sad... Shallow sleep, deep dreams, and brother twists and turns to find the mother. My mother is really still alive, but she always hides from us. The brother asked: Where did she go and why didn't she see us? Me: She was angry with us, we were disobedient, she was upset, so she disappeared. Shame and regret, why do we always make her angry? He kept confessing and chanting: Mother, come back, come back. We don't you off anymore... The heart of the mother is like a child. But the courtyard is still there, my brother and I look at each other, and we never see her back... A strange roar sounded, the unit was blown up with a grenade into a field of shredded paper, wheat bran, black clouds, ruins... I had no place to work, I had nowhere to go, I heard people arrange to go to the second middle school, and the leader said: There is no shortage of people, go back. I went to the third middle school where I worked more than a decade ago, and the leader said: Didn't you stay here before? How did it come back? There is no shortage of teachers here, go back! I obediently went back, and there was a harsh mocking laughter behind me... A woman, a young enchanting woman, smiled triumphantly at me, smiled and laughed, and the enchanted face turned into a green fang and pounced on me......... One dream after another seemed real and illusory, and they came and went. Whenever I was stimulated and depressed, my mother and father would fall asleep, and I was like a three-year-old child full of extreme dependence and nostalgia for her, murmuring to her about the grievances and distresses she had suffered. After waking up, it was a cold moon silent, tears wet pillow towels, and endless thoughts. In this cold world, I wish she could live, call me, hug me, give me love and warmth. But these, she will never be... During the period when the original unit was "withdrawn", colleagues were sad and helpless, and they did not know where to go. People in the streets and surrounding villages actively rushed to ask for their lives and called for the preservation of the school. In the end, the school survived, and I, for one reason or another, left it and went to a primary school in front of my mother's house. Standing on the teaching floor, you can see the grave of your mother-in-law... I remembered that before I went to this elementary school, I had many strange dreams. In the dream, it was as if he was teaching in this elementary school, and he was still educating people in the original unit. In the chaos, I couldn't figure out where I was... When I actually went to this school in reality, the dream was never done again. Everything is so wonderful, there seems to be a pair of palms manipulating fate and giving the most reasonable arrangement: I can't do filial piety for her before her mother's death, after she leaves, I will guard the tomb for her every day in the campus a few feet away from her grave... I remembered a few years ago, when my mother was not sick and was still in good health. I always dreamed that she was sick and sick in my arms, and I took her to run around with difficulty to find medical treatment... When I woke up, my heart was troubled: how could I have such an ominous dream, my mother's body was so good, her hair was not white, how could she fall ill? I don't believe it. But later, her mother really fell ill, and no one could have imagined that her illness would be so serious. After a few months of suffering, the lamp ran out of oil, fell into my arms, and swallowed my last breath with difficulty. And I, on the other hand, could only watch her go west without crying, feeling deeply incompetent and unfilial.
Zhuang Zhou dream butterfly, wake up confused: is Zhuang Zhou dream for the butterfly, or butterfly dream for Zhuang Zhou? Dreams and reality are inseparable, dreams can be taken seriously, true can also be dreams, my life and dreams, I don't know if the dream alludes to reality? Or is reality ahead of the picture in the dream? Reality and dreams eventually intersect. A trance, and a few years passed. Today, I still have a whole night of fragmented dreams, most of which are not woven into pieces, and I can't remember clearly, but nightmares rarely appear again, and the scenes in the dreams no longer affect the mood. Occasionally, I can remember a strange dream clearly, although I will also ponder its causes and consequences in confusion, but then I laugh and no longer cherish it. All kinds of tastes in the dream are tasted, and everything becomes clear and transparent. After thousands of turns of half-life dreams, Fang knows that the waves are not alarmed is the place to return. I remembered the Southern Song Dynasty lyricist Jiang Jie's "Listening to the Rain": "The teenager listens to the rain song upstairs." Red candles dim. In his prime, listen to the rain in a passenger boat. The river is wide and the clouds are low, and the broken geese are called the west wind. And now listening to the rain monks, the sideburns have been stars also. Sorrow and joy are always merciless, and before a term of office, it drips until dawn. "The courses are different, the perceptions are different, and the realms are different. Listen to the rain, and dream! This dream is as desolate, lonely, empty, and desolate as the autumn world, and only you can truly understand the taste. I wonder if there is anyone in this world like me, I don't know what it is like to sleep without dreams? After dreaming too much, I am sad too much in my dreams, and I don't want to have dreams for the rest of my life, or there are only beautiful dreams. Floating this dream, red dust this world, there will always be a dream to wake up, the song is scattered, looking back on the past, everything is just Nanke!
*About the author: Wang Juan, an ordinary teacher in rural areas. He has a wide range of hobbies, such as raising flowers and plants, traveling photography, reading, dancing, sleeping... Yearning for freedom, casualness, and nature. Occasional doodles