Recently, the variety show "New Student Diary" was launched, and the mode of getting along between Li Ai and her husband Zhang Xuning attracted heated discussion.
The daily life of the two can be said to be sweet, worried that his wife will cramp during pregnancy, he specially learned massage techniques, every night before going to bed for his wife to massage and beat his legs, but on the night of the recording of the program, he as usual after telling the bedtime story, after beating his legs, leaving Li Ai alone in the room, he went upstairs to sleep.
Friends around them were extremely shocked, and they all thought that the man must be afraid of pressing on his wife's stomach before sleeping in separate rooms, while Li Ai calmly said that the two had been sleeping in separate rooms for 4 years after marriage.
"I am on the second floor, he is on the third floor", and then explained the reason is that the husband snoring, he is easy to wake up by him, the second is that the husband is her agent, often 24 hours together, sleeping separately at night is also to give each other some private space, but can promote feelings.
However, other guests said that it was difficult to understand, thinking that dividing the room was equivalent to separating, and even quarreling could not sleep in separate rooms, affecting feelings. Indeed, the so-called ten years of the same boat crossing, a hundred years of sleep together, the mainstream opinion of society believes that since they are husband and wife, they must sleep in the same bed.
Similarly, society has a lot of standards about what a good love and marriage should look like. How should I answer some "sending propositions"? How should the festival be spent? What kind of gift is "right"? This society has a strict set of standards for how to express one's "value" to one's spouse.
A friend of mine once told me that when she was young, she had lost a person she really loved because of this set of standards. Her boyfriend was in love for the first time at the time, and his personality was somewhat unique, and many things had their own opinions. So she asked him to return to WeChat in seconds, which he felt was too unnatural; even when she had a birthday, he didn't stay at 12 midnight to send her birthday wishes.
Then she broke up with him. But then many years passed and a lot of things happened, and she realized that he had actually put her on the tip of his heart. He gave her a lot, she didn't know how precious those things were, but only because his behavior did not meet the "standards" of the mainstream of society, and misjudged that he did not love her.
My friend said that later she often thought that this set of standards about love was really harmful. Especially for those who don't have much emotional experience. Everyone in the world is different, and everyone's love should also have thousands of unique faces. Using a set of standards to limit love, so that everyone's love looks exactly the same, on the one hand, limiting the expression of love, it is more likely that people put the form above the heart - people who can do this set of standards may not love you, and what cannot be done is not necessarily not love.
Today, in order to explore this issue, we specially invited some friends who have different ideas about love to share their "non-mainstream" love with you.
I don't look for him when he needs space. The longest time, we were missing for 23 days
The two of us were exceptional when we were together, almost totally engaged and accompanied. Will plan something to accomplish together, there is a very in-depth exchange. Or, just stay with each other and feel happy and fulfilling by doing nothing, mobile phones are rarely touched, and the battery is often sufficient at the end of the day.
However, once we separated, we turned on the "stocking" mode: no mobile phone checking, no reporting of whereabouts, neither of them knowing where the other was doing, and no questioning. Simply put, it is a state of independence and non-interference.
In my opinion, love should be built on trust. We can't always tie a person to our side at every moment, and if we want to forcibly grasp all his information, if the other party really has the intention to conceal it, it can make up a hundred lies to deceive.
Sometimes, we even disappeared from each other's lives for a while, and the longest one, for 23 days I didn't hear from him. During that time, he was in a very bad state because of his work. The intensity of overtime has become larger, there are still some complicated relationships between personnel, and the whole person is very irritable and impatient.
So, he left me a message on WeChat: I wanted to stay by myself for a while, and then I didn't appear for a long time. I didn't look for him either, so I arranged my life normally, and when he adjusted himself, he would naturally come back.
I completely understood how he felt at that time, and in particularly boring situations, everyone needed their own space. Alone, not saying a word, not even the closest people want to come closer. The care and comfort of that time not only could not be relieved, but also an invisible pressure that made the situation more difficult. We also don't want to show such a bad self in front of our loved ones, and we don't want to see the verbal impact and hurt that our emotions may cause when they are out of control.
Naturally, we do not care about each other, but we choose a way of getting along that respects each other's self-boundaries. In that area that makes him safe, he can collapse, he can be weak, and as long as he wants me to ask for help, I will definitely appear as soon as possible.
Rather than fully blending into each other's lives and penetrating all the thoughts of our lovers, we value the novelty of keeping our distance and the boundaries of our egos that are fully protected. This way of getting along.
Of course, this kind of relationship is particularly necessary to "believe", not only to believe in each other, but also to have full confidence in themselves. It takes both people to be mature enough to be determined. Because we know each other very well, we know that this way of getting along is the best for each other. Perhaps in the eyes of others, such a relationship will be full of insecurity, but it is exclusive to our tacit understanding and sweetness.
Our love does not seek the present, Just for the future
We were undergraduates together, but we weren't classmates. I went to Beijing to attend an event and got to know her. She was much better than me, but somehow she also looked at me as a stupid boy.
Then the magic happened, we were always in a different place, after graduating from undergraduate she went to the UK to do a PhD, and I went to the Us to do a master's degree. After graduating with my master's degree, I stayed in the US to work and she continued her studies in the UK. I flew to England that summer to live with her for a few months, during which time she became pregnant with our first child.
When she finally graduated from her ph.D. and came to the United States to live with me, she became pregnant with our second child in those six months. But before my child was born, I returned home because of an entrepreneurial opportunity.
My eldest has a serious allergy, so it is very inappropriate to return to china to live, there are not many people with severe allergies in the country, many foods do not indicate what is inside, if you take it by mistake, the child may really die. And I also have to work hard for the future of my family, and I can't easily give up the opportunity to start a business.
My wife is the woman I love in my life, and I've been together for twelve years, but I haven't lived with her for long. She was alone in the United States with two children, and I felt heartache every time I thought about it. Many people may have chosen to give up on each other in our situation and choose people who can accompany us.
Years ago someone advised me that I had no connection with her. But I didn't believe or believe that our love for each other made us prefer to endure years of separation and be together forever. In the past, there was a sentence in the article on the Knowyourself WeChat public account that wrote about long-distance love, saying that "long-distance is like the wind to the fire for love, it blows out those weak, it encourages those strong". If you love each other enough, you won't be separated. We are so in love with each other, and that is the greatest fate between us.
Probably most people's love is to add color to the current life. But our love is the willingness to give up the present and pursue a longer-term future. Compared with a lifetime, the immediate effort is worth it. As the old poem says, if the two loves are long, are they in the twilight of the dynasty?
Who says mobile phone pet lovers are not good? I voluntarily chose to be in love with a demotion
The friends around me can't make out as long as they are in love, because they spend most of their time with their partners. But I seem to be in love with something different: we see each other very often, about two to three weeks, and most of the time we accompany each other through mobile phones, like having a "mobile pet".
A lot of people will say that this is your typical love de-escalation – as if it were a bad thing. In fact, instead of feeling that there is nothing wrong with it, I enjoy it.
In the busy work interval, we will always keep in touch with WeChat, sometimes discuss what to eat for lunch, and sometimes see good paragraphs to transfer to each other. You may not be able to reply in time because of a meeting or other things, but after waiting for a few hours to "reconnect", there is a bubbling of a ride, intermittently chatting from morning to night.
We reach each other's entire lives through the Internet, and we can feel each other's company even if we don't meet.
Before going to bed, I used to make a phone call, cook two or three hours of telephone porridge, and when I didn't want to talk, I did my own thing with my voice open, or I said goodnight and went to bed obediently. I really like this way, there is no immediate reply and the pressure of an agreed meeting, I can feel the continuous love, and I have my own space and time.
Work is already very tiring, and falling in love should be an easy and effortless thing. I have always believed that the union of two people in love is to achieve a 1+1 greater than 2 in each other's lives. We don't need to add too much burden to each other, and because of the presence of each other in the mobile phone, daily life is more relaxed and pleasant, and there are expectations. What's so bad about that?
Seeing that many couples have added more troubles to their lives because of their relationship with each other, they may accuse us of not paying enough for each other. But every couple has a model that suits them, and for us, today's mode of getting along is very comfortable with each other, and we don't feel that there is any problem with it.
I'm a sociology student. Being in love is also a field of practice for me
What it means to me to be in love is more important to me than the mainstream "value future outcomes", and I value the broadening of self-knowledge and worldview.
I have this idea, of course, because I am still young, and marriage is still a distant proposition for me. The knowyourself WeChat public account also said that for people who are in the early stage of adulthood, the biggest proposition is to explore their own identity, find out who they are, and who they want to be.
Another characteristic of my young age is that I don't know what kind of partner I am suitable for, and I will have a heartbeat feeling for different people. If I have to say something in common, I like people from different cultures who have their own perspective on life.
Probably mainly because their cultural background can broaden my understanding of the world, and their insights into life can give me some clues and guidance about my own life thinking.
I've dated 3 different guys in the last two years. One-on-one, of course, we both promise to give each other quality companionship when we're together. Our conversation was very deep, so after we realized that it was not appropriate to break up, we still maintained a unique friendship with each other.
Friends joke that I am in love with a field mentality, and such a love experience may only belong to the years when life has just come of age.
But I think it was a good experience. In early adulthood, I think people can think more about marriage and be more patient, because you don't even know who you are, let alone who you need.
I also don't think the relationship is casual, in fact everyone has become a good memory for me. We treat each other with caution and seriousness. In the future, as my sense of self-identity becomes more and more established, I will know more about what kind of partner I need, and I will dare to talk about the love of my life at that time.
The main purpose of writing this article is to tell everyone that there are thousands of different faces of love in this world. Whether a person loves you or not, you should see with your own eyes and experience it with your own heart. What kind of love is good love, this standard should be your own, by yourself to define.
Don't miss your unique true love because of the mainstream voice of society. What you need, only you understand.
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