Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read dr. Yue Xiaodong's book", "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University", "Chapter 4 The Dissolution of the Myth of Love".
body:
In my conversations with Charlie, he repeatedly asked me if I should break up with Helen, if I should be nice to Katie, if I should forgive Helen. I did not answer such questions directly, but asked him to explain his own ideas further.
Conversations like the following often arise between us:
"Xiaodong, do you think I should break up with Helen?" Charlie asked me.
"What do you think?" I asked him back, intending to make him think independently.
"I really want to cut her off... But I don't know if I'll ever find someone like her who matches me again. Charlie murmured.
"So you still can't make up your mind?" It was intended to prompt him to reflect.
"Alas, how nice it would have been if all hadn't happened!" Charlie sighed.
"I understand the pain in your heart, but what has happened is irreparable." It is intended to push him to face reality.
"I really don't understand why Helen betrayed me like this. You say, if you were me, how would you deal with this?" Charlie looked straight at me with his eyes.
"Of course I feel sad, but we have different personalities and upbringings, and my decisions may not be helpful to you." I also looked directly at him, intending to urge him not to rely on others.
"What do you mean by that?" Do you think I should put up with this breath and reconcile with Helen?" Charlie squinted and asked me.
"After all, I'm not you, and I can't decide for you whether it's so good or that good." Let's go ahead and discuss the pros and cons of doing so. I replied this way, intending to prompt him to think more.
After countless rounds of "competition", Charlie gradually realized that there was actually a gap between him and Helen, and the events of the day were no accident. From this, Charlie finally recognized the perfectionism and self-centered tendencies in his personality. He no longer saw his love with Helen as a masterpiece of God, as flawless.
At the same time, he also began to face up to the fact that there were many discords and contradictions between them, and was willing to accept each other's shortcomings.
To Charlie's surprise, when he talked to his mother about it, she said that she and Charlie's father also had many conflicts and were almost divorced. But then, for the sake of the children and for the sake of the common faith, they didn't end up doing that. Charlie is shocked to learn that his parents' marriage is not perfect, which makes Charlie more aware of the importance of forgiveness in love and marriage.
With this series of thought shifts, Charlie voluntarily regained contact with Helen, accepted her explanation, and confessed his previous mistakes before her for the first time, including the rough act at Adams' house that day.
Helen was so touched by Charlie's change of attitude that she cried on the phone: "For some time now, I have been deeply saddened that I have stabbed you in the heart. I have cut off all contact with Adams and am ready to accept the fact that we broke up. I've thought about it a lot during this time, and I don't think I should retaliate against you for my infidelity..."
Charlie's initiative to confess to Helen was something she never expected, and it was something she had been looking forward to for a long time. She seemed to be re-experiencing the good feelings of that first love, and couldn't wait for Charlie to come back to her immediately, or allow her to meet him at Harvard.
Charlie decided to go back to his hometown again.
After the two met, they hugged their headaches and cried, and said many words that had been held in their hearts for a long time.
In the end, the two swore to cherish each other's feelings and not do anything to hurt each other's feelings.
In order to consolidate their love and get rid of the entanglement of Adams and others, Helen decided to transfer to a university in Boston in order to meet Charlie regularly. At the same time, Charlie suggested that Helen also find a counselor to talk about the emotional conflict during this time as soon as possible to better face the setbacks in this life.
Helen accepted Charlie's suggestion with great sincerity.
Charlie's reconciliation with Helen also greatly touched the two families. They all offer every convenience for the arrangement of two children. Charlie's father also called a Harvard alumnus in Boston and asked him to help arrange the matter.
*****
Watching Charlie's reconciliation with Helen, I felt unspeakable joy and relief in my heart.
In the process of consulting Charlie, I never gave him a direct advice, nor did I give him a logical analysis, and all his changes in understanding were realized by my continuous inspiration. I answered Charlie's countless questions by constantly asking questions and rhetorical questions, prompting him to think independently about decision-making. This made me feel the essence of psychological counseling "helping others to help themselves".
At the last meeting, Charlie gave me a beautiful thank you card and a Parker gold pen as a souvenir, thanking me for accompanying him through this difficult time in his life and helping him realize his shortcomings and shortcomings.
He said to me emotionally, "Xiaodong, you don't know how important your questions and speeches are to me, I wrote them all down in my diary." You will always be a part of my life at Harvard. ”
I replied, "Charlie, there is nothing more pleasing to me than the fact that you have become more mature and more reflective through this!" I believe that if you encounter similar setbacks in life in the future, you will become stronger and more intelligent in life. 2
As I was leaving, Charlie offered to bring Helen to see me. I thought about it and replied, "I have no problem with you coming to see me, because we already know each other well." But Helen's coming to see me might make her feel uncomfortable. Because she doesn't know me and knows that I'm your counselor, what should she say when she sees me on this occasion? I'll talk about it later. ”
Charlie agreed with me and made no arrangements.
Later, by chance, I saw Charlie walking side by side with a beautiful girl in the Courtyard of Harvard. I thought, it must be Helen
She had hair, as Charlie had described it. It was also because of that hair that I couldn't see Helen's face.
I think, this way, let me and Helen always be a mystery to each other! Isn't this also a kind of "mutilated beauty" in interpersonal communication?
Looking at their distant figures, I thought, psychological counseling is really wonderful! It can completely change the way a person perceives, feels, and behaves in the course of communication.
I am reminded of a saying by a Western sage: "The ingenious implementation of the language of comfort is the oldest remedy for mankind."
I remembered a sentence that the supervisor said when summarizing the case with me: "Xiaodong, you feel like a psychologist now, right?"
I remembered the "feeling of ascending to heaven" that the old professor had talked about...
I think of Freud, Jung, Adler, Rogers...
I think that one day, I must write about this experience and let the world share the joy and insight of helping Charlie grow.
unscramble:
Going back to the six forms of love of Charlie and Helen, which account for romance, possessiveness, and practicality, are obviously deficient in altruism. But Charlie and Helen's love is fundamental, deeply in love with each other, loyal, and he fits Hatfield's classification of forms of love, that is, the transition from passionate love to partner love, that is, a deep sense of involvement in the partners who live together, can understand, respect, and rely on each other, like relatives. This is also the hope and expectation of human beings for love, and the love of Charlie and Helen is also slowly moving forward on this road. We also like to believe that after so many changes in love, it can also be said that it is unforgettable love, Charlie and Helen will eventually become a family and blossom the brilliant fruits of love to marriage.
After experiencing the collision and trust with the client, the successful psychological counseling case also gave Dr. Yue Xiaodong a preliminary taste of the feeling of ascending to the heavens, and is also moving towards a mature psychologist. Charlie's counseling success also enlightens psychological counselors to understand the true meaning of "helping others to help themselves", only the client's own awakening and active transformation can psychological counseling help more people know the direction of life's efforts in the hardships and troubles of life!
November 7, 2021 #Counselor said #