Introspection, the word is easier said than done.
I have always thought that I am a person who knows how to reflect, but in fact, I am constantly reflecting on myself, especially when our marriage entered the "disillusionment" stage of contradictions 20 years ago, at that time I already knew to reflect through reading books.
It's just that the introspection at that time was done on the surface, when two people had a conflict, I would calm down, and then find the reason from myself, in fact, this is not wrong, the problem is that I don't know whether the reason I found is right or wrong, I only know that if I want to distinguish between right and wrong with my husband, it is fruitless, so for the sake of everyone's good, I choose to tolerate.
But in fact, I did not really reflect in place, there will always be a knot in my heart, if one day accidentally something touched this knot, it may make me fall into anger and sad emotions again, and may also have to self-reflect and choose to tolerate again.
My husband used to be very greedy, as long as he wanted to play, he could be desperate, for example, fishing was almost to the point of mutual indignation, even my mother-in-law could not tolerate it, said him many times, he just couldn't change.
His hobby did affect normal life at that time, sometimes in order to fish out to sea, even come back all night, and then come back to sleep for a day, it was really annoying at the time, I was very, very angry, but I was not angry, just did not talk to my husband, my husband quickly apologized, said that I would not play like this in the future, I also felt that I was overreacting, so I chose to tolerate, choose to forgive.
But it wasn't long before my husband came again, and the cycle began to make me think of divorce.
Once it was all night before I came back, I didn't rest well, in order to make up for the guilt of my family, he took us out to eat, I like to eat spicy, he also followed, the result of the next day stomach bleeding hospitalized for a week, at home recuperation for a month, I was so distressed that it was not ok, it was also this matter he really realized that the problem was very serious, so he quit fishing.
I thought I was doing a good job, but after many years of seeing his eyebrows dancing when he talked about the fishing sutra, I suddenly realized that I didn't handle it well, why should I erase this hobby of my husband.
I think I'm sorry for my husband now, I believe that if I had known how to really reflect, I certainly wouldn't have done it, at least I would have let my husband maintain this hobby, but my husband once heard me say this, just touched my head and said: "Silly woman, this is my choice." ”
So in fact, sometimes tolerance does not solve the fundamental problem, my husband said that I am more generous than the average woman, know how to understand others, in fact, everything I did in those years is just to maintain the surface peace.
And I really understand what to reflect, is after learning family education, Mr. Mu Shan let us draw iceberg maps, and later in order to learn more thoroughly, I also deliberately participated in Dr. Lin Wencai's Satya family education professional training, Dr. Lin spent five days to teach us to draw iceberg maps, that is, through this map to dig deep into their own internal needs.
I remember Dr. Lin Wencai said that if we could draw 100 iceberg maps very carefully and carefully, we could basically become a teacher, but when I drew more than 30 pictures, I found that I did not have to paint, and I had formed a model in my mind, and I could dig into the level of mental needs layer by layer through dialogue.
This iceberg map can really solve a lot of problems, "iceberg" is a person's "self", what we can usually see is a very small part of the surface - iceberg, the larger part of the inner world is hidden at a deeper level, not known, and the iceberg map is to depict behavior, and then to find a deep way to cope, feelings, views, expectations, desires, self, up and down a total of seven levels.
Drawing this iceberg map is really difficult, it is easy to get stuck when I first start learning, I can't write it, but when I insist on doing it, I find that I can know more and more about my own needs, and even the needs of the other party can understand.
For example, the purchase of clothes that happened later.
Husband has a friend part-time to do some clothes business, once she sold a brand of clothes, is to tear off the tag, is the usual 1-3 fold, and if you buy enough 5 pieces, there is a fold on the fold, because this brand has always been the husband likes, and this friend also trusted, so I picked 5 pieces, cheaper than buying regular ones do not know how much.
As a result, after the clothes were taken back, my husband was not satisfied, saying that I did not have his consent, it was a waste of money, I was angry when I listened to it, I worked hard for two days, and it was also his favorite brand, it was so unappreciative, and the two of us made a lot of trouble for these clothes.
At this time, I can't care about any introspection, I am particularly angry, that friend knows that after the guilt, she does not want our such a loving couple to make such clothes like this, and then she said that she can help me deal with it, find someone to transfer.
Just at this time I went to mu shan teacher's class, the teacher let us draw the iceberg map, and then went on stage to share, because the heart of this batch of clothes is always very uncomfortable, I hope to let the teacher help me solve, so I took the initiative to rush to the stage.
I dissected the iceberg map I drew layer by layer, that is, to the expectation that the part was not done right, at the prompt of the teacher, I went deeper to analyze, and finally understood that I expected "my husband to thank himself for his efforts, to see my love", and my husband expected me to "not waste money, respect his wishes", after finding the expectations of both sides, we went to do each other's expectations.
Later, when I got home, I continued to draw this iceberg map, and I understood more clearly that my husband and my expectations were not the same thing, and we were all making trouble with the behavior, so after seeing the motivation behind the behavior, I asked my husband to talk about it.
I said I really shouldn't waste money, but I was out of concern for him, and I saw that his clothes hadn't been changed for a long time, so I wanted him to become more handsome, and at the same time I also wanted him not to hit my enthusiasm, I hope he can feel my love.
I promised not to buy anything for him in the future, he also said that he was very grateful to me, felt my intentions, we were thoroughly explained this time, everyone felt more comfortable than ever, and then we happily handled 3 pieces, leaving 2 pieces, of which 1 was smaller for his uncle.
It is also this thing that makes me like to draw iceberg maps more, and I also feel more about self-reflection, and then continue to study psychology, I slowly grew up, and I really did "I do it, but I don't expect the other party to have a response", that is, I let go of expectations.
For example, I fried a plate of beef, but my husband and son suddenly told me that they didn't like to eat it, so I didn't mind at all, because this was just my personal behavior, and I would take full responsibility for it, and I didn't need them to take any responsibility. But if they say they like the plate, I'm very happy and satisfied, and for me, it's an unexpected bonus.
For example, I hope that my son can go out and have a look, without worrying about failure, but my son does not like to start a business, he likes to work a little more stable, nine to five, which is also very good, this is his idea, and it is also the way he wants to go in the future, so I just put forward my opinion, and in the end he makes his own choices, he is responsible for his own actions.
Because of this, the more I live the easier, whether it is work or life is very comfortable and peaceful, completely without the previous impatience and anxiety, many friends see me and feel strange, how my state can get better and better, especially in the outside of the business failure can be so comfortable and comfortable.
Many people think that it is because I am married to a good man, I do not deny this, but in fact, I know that the most important thing is that I understand what is true introspection, and I also understand what it is to let go of expectations, and now I can see through, see a lot of things, and tolerate everything, which is the biggest epiphany in my life.
Living our own lives well, loving ourselves well, and accepting all that we have is the best way to survive, and only when we live well can we have more power to influence and help others.