Two days ago, the updated "Talk Show Conference", Pang Bo talked about the seven-year marriage story between himself and his wife.
At the end of the show, he said: I don't think marriage is terrible.
Somewhat unexpectedly, the married, unmarried, married and divorced laughers on the field have burst the lights for Pompeo.
When it comes to the reason for shooting lights, Da Zhang Wei said something like this:
"I feel that now we are particularly afraid of making a boyfriend and girlfriend, don't be afraid, or bravely embrace love." 」
"Bravely embrace love" sounds like it's not hard.
But the netizens on Weibo Square seem to have a stomach full of bitter water to vomit on this sentence.
Why do we generate this state of both longing for love and rejecting it? Where does it originate, and how do we deal with such emotions?
Take a look at today's article.
(Warning ahead: We respect and support every life choice.) What this article describes is the living conditions of a group of people, not judging their merits, let alone characterizing a certain emotional life model. Please be objective. ）
Over the years, I have discovered more and more such a phenomenon:
Many people say that love is terrible and do not want to love again, and at the same time, they will eat the dog food of sweet love stories and shout "Sour chicken is me."
When asked why love is "terrible", they will also give their own reasons: fear of marriage, fear of men, fear of being scum, fear of trouble...
People with social phobia will try to avoid communication, and people with fear of choice will try to avoid making decisions. So, what about those who fear love?
Here are three common types of lovephobes, and their counterparts. Come and see if there is your share among them?
Seeing this, we may be able to make one thing clear:
No one is afraid of a happy relationship. I am afraid that only half of the reasons we have mentioned earlier have been said.
What really scares us is the (unhappy) marriage, the opposite sex (which will hurt us), the state of life (uncertain after falling in love), the pain, disappointment and hurt that may occur after choosing to love.
While collecting information about this article, I also heard another voice -
Many "people who come over" will say to those who are afraid of love: You are just experiencing too little, just look at the opening point, everyone is like this, naturally it is good.
If you've ever had this thought, you may be caught up in the myth of "fear of love."
Even if you're in a relationship, you can be a love phobia.
This is because the heart of the person who is afraid of love is very eager to get a long-term stable relationship on the one hand, and on the other hand, he does not think that he can get such a relationship. As a result, they may have a fairly rich experience in love – with whomever they are with anyway.
When you find that the relationship is not as they wish, you will feel that the relationship once again confirms your expectations, and ultimately makes it difficult for the relationship to be stable and lasting.
The theory of attachment types in adult relationships was proposed by Hazan and Shaver in 1987; love fear is not an academic concept.
Which attachment type a person belongs to needs to be judged through a professional test and based on the traits of "avoiding intimacy" and "anxiety abandonment". Therefore, it cannot be concluded that a "fearful lover" must be a "fearful attachment person".
People who are afraid of love are not disbelieving in true love, but it is difficult to take the initiative and clearly express their needs and wishes. When their needs cannot be met, they will feel that the other party is not their "destiny".
The truth is that looking for each other's "flaws" is actually a strategy they use to escape a more serious, deep relationship. From this point of view, people who are afraid of love are also a group of people who are more eager for true love than ordinary people.
It's important to note that "fear of love" should also not serve as an excuse for a person to be reluctant to make commitments in a relationship or to engage in inappropriate behavior that makes others uncomfortable.
And if you perceive that you are not actually afraid of love, but fundamentally unable to like others, then you may need to look for reasons from other directions - such as asexuality (Aces)
Of course, no one likes to experience pain in a relationship. That being the case, how do we equip ourselves properly?
To answer this question, let's try to understand the root of these fears. You may be surprised to find that the causes of the pain, disappointment, and hurt you fear all point to the same answer.
Regardless of which of the above categories our fear of love falls into, the reason why we are afraid of true love is nothing more than two questions:
◦ Question 1 ◦
I understand the reason, but when I am in love, I will think all day long: what should I do if I am completely led by him? What should I do if I am separated? What should I do if I am hurt in my relationship? Why do I have to become so vulnerable after falling in love?
◦ Answer 1 ◦
After falling in love, people become vulnerable?
Well...... The answer seems to be yes.
Unlike romantic passion, "love" itself involves compromise, even sacrifice, and also includes the subversion of personal habits when single.
In fact, in any situation, we cannot choose only pleasure and avoid difficulties and pains altogether. The bitterness and joy of life are like shadows, reflecting each other. It is pain that makes joy.
◦ Question 2 ◦
I understand the reason, but my past emotional experience is really not very good, and I also feel that I do not have the qualifications and ability to love someone. How can I enter a real relationship like this?
◦ Answer 2 ◦
Sometimes we turn around and walk in front of our new intimacy because it awakens old hurts, losses, anger, and abandonment.
There is a voice in their hearts, like some cruel critic, who has been whispering in their heads:
This inner voice may come from our bad experiences in our early years.
These negative emotions do not only come from traumatic events in past intimate relationships, family, parent-child, friendship... And so on, will become the source of this uneasiness. You know, many people who have been afraid of love for a long time are not only afraid of love, but also intimate relationships such as friendship and parent-child relationships will also be affected.
In the long run, even if someone wants to be close to you, praise you, and love you, you will feel cramped and uneasy - because their love and actions have challenged your self-perception all along. You are both afraid of the existence of love and the departure of love.
In fact, love is precisely the opportunity for us to tear ourselves down and rebuild.
You need to understand that you do have the opportunity to re-establish a good sense of self, to stop being affected by the trauma of the early years, and to see a self in love that is worthy of being loved.
Admittedly, whether or not to put yourself into a new relationship is everyone's personal choice. However, not everyone who desires happiness has the ability to overcome fear and be free to love and be loved.
So --
When dealing with intimate relationships, these worries are disguised and covered up by various excuses. First of all, we need to realize what we are worried about about love and intimacy, and try to interpret how this concern affects us.
After that, we need to re-understand our relationship with love.
In the face of intimacy, we are always afraid of the failure of the relationship, afraid of the potential loss, and want to control all aspects of the relationship. We are afraid that the other person has a free space, and we are afraid that the other party will have changes in this space that we do not want to see.
But this may be the suffering that must be experienced in the human world.
If we shift our view of relationships from being results-oriented to aiming for self-growth and self-exploration, you'll find that even if you break up in the end, your efforts in the relationship aren't in vain. Because, in the process, you know more about yourself, you know what you are suitable for and what you like, and at the same time, you will grow in your skills in dealing with intimate relationships.
There are no shortcuts to happy intimate relationships, and finding a partner who is 100% in line with your imagination is not a shortcut — even if the rules are met, as long as two people are not one mind, there will be moments when ideas are contradictory.
Perhaps it is those feelings that we cannot fully grasp, those things that we have not yet fully understood, and those who can just bear the impermanence of the world, which make our lives more worthy of being lived, and make the world more worthy of our exploration.
In this episode of "Talk Show Conference", another person who impressed me was Yang Mengen, who openly proposed to his girlfriend on the show.
Some netizens expressed their understanding of Yang Mengen's words: "His proposal in front of the national audience means that he needs to be supervised by the whole society, and he is willing to become the 'bound civilized person' for her." ”
At this point, the camera is given to the people around:
Yang Kasa, who talks about women's topics every day, cries the most fiercely, Li Tian, who has just divorced, took off his glasses and wiped his small eyes, Xie Na, who was happily married, blushed for the first time, and Pang Bo, who was itching for seven years, turned around and wiped his tears.
Among them, some are single, some are married, and some have just divorced. After experiencing all kinds of tastes, they were sincerely blessing their partners who bravely pursued happiness at that moment.
May there always be pure love and a bound civilization in the world.