Hello everyone, I am a psychological counselor Chen Tianxing, in my daily work, I often meet parents who are anxious about how to raise children, and I will also do some corresponding parental counseling work. It is an honor to ask Dr. Xi Xiaolu for some guidance. Xiaolu Hsi, Ph.D.) Ph.D. is a dual-specialty psychological counselor and neuropsychologist at the Psychological Counseling Center of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) in the United States, and is the first clinical psychologist to obtain a doctorate in clinical psychology and a license in the consulting industry in the United States after the reform and opening up in China. Dr. Xi is mainly engaged in adolescent psychological counseling and neuropsychological diagnosis and treatment of ADHD, as well as related teaching. The mother of the second child, coupled with profound theoretical cultivation and more than 30 years of practical experience, believes that it can help parents who are anxious about parenting. In addition, the reason why this series of dialogues is named "Counselor parenting" is that Dr. Xi hopes to tell everyone that parenting is a seemingly ordinary, but in fact, complex thing, even if it is a counselor, you must continue to learn how to be a parent.
Chen Tianxing: Hello, Teacher Xi, unconsciously it is already the tenth article, thank you very much for your efforts, on behalf of these benefiting mothers, thank you. Okay, here's a letter from a mom: Teacher Chen, my seven-year-old girl, always has a short temper and is prone to tantrums. For example, when I woke up this morning, the lights were too bright and too harsh, and I wanted to lose my temper. The electric toothbrush brushed the teeth that were about to fall out, and it hurt and I wanted to lose my temper. Usually, the piano always plays the wrong tone, and I have to lose my temper. Write badly, lose your temper. Speaking to adults is also the kind of tone that is very impulsive. But when she doesn't lose her temper, she is actually a very smiling and cheerful child. I used to explain her all kinds of tantrums, but recently I found that none of this worked, I felt so helpless, in the face of her temper, I don't know how to deal with it. Some people say that it is just a lack of fighting, and it is good to fight, but I don't want to use force to solve the problem. Teacher, what should I do. @Chen Tianxing
Teacher Xi: Don't hit this child. Honestly, if you hit this child, the child is likely to have physical problems, she may hit others, she may also hit herself. (I'll pay attention to whether this child is an impatient child except for being irritable and angry.) Because, tantrums are often due to lack of patience, the English is impatience, that is, patience is not good enough. When patience is not good enough, it is easy to feel frustrated and easy to "get on fire". For example, the piano always plays the wrong sound, and she feels frustrated and loses her temper. In children, this is very common. Patience is a psychological quality that has a genetic part, some children are born with patience, and some children are born with a lack of patience. Parents should pay attention to discovering their children's personality, and then "teach according to their aptitudes" to help their children develop patience. Parents are the most important role models for children, and we hope that children have enough patience, and we need to see how we usually deal with situations that make us angry.
Also, I'd like to know, what are the parents' requirements and expectations for this seven-year-old girl? If the family's request for her was to be the Harvard girl in the end, honestly, the girl might have been lucky not to lose her temper and smash the piano. Parents are demanding and too demanding, especially if they are often mentioned, the pressure on the child will be great, and the child may resist.
In addition, the mother mentioned that she would expunge and comfort the child, and I wondered how the mother said to "unravel" and "comfort" the child. The big truth, the child may not understand, can not help her. It is more useful, for example, to teach her how to calm herself when she is irritable, such as: come, you get up and move, take a break, or demonstrate to her: "Don't worry, try to take a deep breath, spit it out slowly, like this, come a few times, try". It would be more helpful to get her up and move, take a break, divert her attention, or teach her a simple "deflation" to calm her emotions.
If the piano is played incorrectly, it will make the child frustrated, but if the child loses his temper, it will not be related to how long he has been practicing the piano. We always feel that seven-year-olds should have no problem talking about the piano for an hour at a time. In fact, this is a very difficult thing for children physically and psychologically, and foreign countries will never let seven-year-old children practice the piano for an hour at a time. The teacher asks to play for an hour, you can come for half an hour, half an hour, take a break in between, and move a little. If she just came up and played the wrong tone and lost her temper, that's one thing. But if she's been talking for forty or fifty minutes and she's playing the wrong tune and throwing a tantrum, that's another thing entirely.
Chen Tianxing: Teacher Xi, the concept of empathy is more popular in China now, some mothers say, at this time I want to say to the child: "Baby, you are very emotional now, my mother guesses that you are angry, I think if you can say the emotions, you don't have to make such a mess to let us know." "Moms believe that this is an emotional marker, marking emotions with words to help children better control their emotions." Is this method useful?
Teacher Xi: Sympathy is to put yourself in the shoes of others, but empathy is not the same as recognizing the other party's approach. Children have difficulties, adults do not understand, understatement, disapproving "criticism of education", it will indeed be counterproductive, stimulate negative emotions. Your approach sounds theoretically reasonable, but for a seven-year-old, this cognitive too "adult" I will be more "grounded" to ask: "Baby, what's wrong with you?" ", let her speak in her own words. Parents who label their children's emotional feelings prematurely may make the children more confused, for example, what was originally a feeling of helplessness is now interpreted as anger. Therefore, parents may wish to patiently ask their children, "What's wrong with you?" Then, after she had spoken out about her inner feelings, teach her how to "deal with it."
In addition, regarding empathy, in fact, a parenting scene we often see is a good example. For example, if a young child falls, many parents will pick up the child, and then, hit the ground, say, "All complain about this nasty ground, let our baby fall, you hit the ground." "To this child, if the mother can say when she is frustrated: Ah, this song is so long, don't worry, take your time. There is also a toothache that is indeed a pain, especially when her parents write that she is changing her teeth, and it will of course hurt to brush on it. If the parents don't think so: "Does it hurt so much?" Don't do a good job", adults may also be unhappy. If parents empathize with the heart and say" "Toothache, then we temporarily use salt water or mouthwash to rinse our mouths instead of brushing our teeth", it is estimated that the child will probably not be angry.
Finally, the mother mentioned the problem of the lamp, and I thought that many children now do not have enough sleep time, and they are called up very early, and many children will be emotional. Then there is a dazzling lamp, as if we adults are sleeping, and suddenly, the door is pushed open, and the people who come are still shouting, and the adults will also have opinions. Could it be that this light is really too bright? It would be better to have a toothache with your child than to help her with your heart rather than blame.
Chen Tianxing: Well, Teacher Xi, when you say this, I think of one of my experiences, I once assembled a Lego model for my child, I couldn't install it four or five times in a row, and I myself pushed it away irritably, startled the child, cried, thought I was angry, and didn't help him. I quickly said to him, "It's okay, Daddy was in a hurry just now, wait for Daddy to rest for a while, we'll continue." He stopped crying right away. Now that I think about it, there is a limit to our adults' emotional tolerance, not to mention children. It is estimated that this pair of parents needs to put themselves in the shoes of their children.
Teacher Xi: Well, it is really not easy for parents today, and they are very busy at home. Your share is so great. In this way, you give your child a real feeling, that is, the original father is such a powerful person, there are times when he can't figure it out. It is also necessary to "take a break and come back", so that when he is angry because of frustration, he will not easily give up on himself, but remember that Dad's next step is to clean up his emotions and continue.
Chen Tianxing: Okay, thank you Teacher Xi for your patience. I summed up, Teacher Xi's advice to this mother is, first: each child's natural temperament is different, to consider the degree of emotional tolerance of the child, she is not necessarily angry because she feels angry, it is likely to be because of poor emotional tolerance, so it is easy to get angry when encountering setbacks. It's like irritability caused by high blood pressure, as long as the blood pressure is lowered, it is naturally not irritable. Second: The mother can be less verbally explanatory and comforting, but empathize with the child from heart to heart, and at the same time directly teach the child some ways to calm the emotions in action. Here Teacher Xi recommended, the method of degassing. Okay, thanks Teacher Xi, goodbye.
Teacher Xi: Okay, goodbye.