Li Lei is a quiet girl, neatly dressed and generous, and she is a little nervous when she first comes to the consultation room

Li Lei is a quiet girl, neatly dressed and generous, a little nervous when she first came to the consultation room, and her hands have been tightly clasped together. Speaking at a faster rate, the entire narrative process is focused, and the thinking and cognition are normal.

After gaining Li Lei's trust, she began to tell me about her experience.

"I was introverted and obedient since I was a child, and my parents cared a lot about my relationship with boys. I remember when I was in elementary school, once my father saw me walking with a boy, shouted at me for not learning well, and immediately dragged me to the bicycle and took me away. ”

When Li Lei recalled this scene, I could see that there was still fear and worry in her eyes, and she said it very quietly and carefully, a little nervous. She seemed to have something to say, and I didn't interrupt her, nodding my head to encourage her to keep talking.

"When I was repeating the school, the teacher arranged for the students who had studied well to sit on the podium 'on duty' and write down the names of the dishonest classmates. When it was my turn to be on duty, the girl Zhang Yan (pseudonym) and a boy actually pushed the desk down, very excessive, I thought that the classmates on duty last time also remembered her name, so I also had the courage to remember her name. Who knew that since then, she and Zhang Yan 'formed a vendetta', she always intentionally or unintentionally found trouble for me, using some vulgar words about me. Once, I had a conversation with a boy in my class, and Zhang Yan said loudly: 'Slut, hook up with the little boy!' The sound was loud enough for the whole class to hear. I didn't dare to talk to the boy anymore, and as long as I heard Zhang Yan talking, I thought I was talking about how I was doing with the boy. ”

There was anger, fear, and lack of confidence in Li Lei's eyes.

"Gradually, I became afraid to deal with other boys, and I was afraid to hear others whisper, and I felt that they were all saying that I was 'not learning well' and 'hooking up with little boys'.

"After I went to college, I didn't dare to talk to the boys in my class, and I think they must have hated me too." I think guys are bad. One day a boy spoke to me first, and as soon as he turned around, I blushed, and when I thought about it, they found out, they must have known that I was blushing, and they would definitely talk about me! The thought of this made me more frightened, more nervous, and the more I could not speak. The boy hated me and thought I wasn't normal. He didn't speak to me again. ”

I found that Li Lei is a sensible girl, she has the need for heterosexual communication, just because the early father's strictness and Zhang Yan's words hurt her, in her heart to form a knot, think that it is wrong to interact with the opposite sex, boys always bring her some bad experience, she thinks that boys do not have good people.

Without even normal heterosexual interactions, the things in life and the ideas of acceptance will be relatively narrow, and the fun will be reduced by half. Even there is a fear of interacting with the opposite sex, how can you establish a romantic relationship with the opposite sex that you want, and how to talk about love in the future?

The second stage: correct unreasonable beliefs and untie thousands of knots

Through Li Lei's statement, I found that she has two unreasonable beliefs, one is that boys are bad people; the other is that as long as she interacts with boys, she is "not learning well". I was going to use cognitive therapy in counseling and "Socrates to ask questions" to correct her irrational beliefs. Here's our conversation about "boys are bad guys".

Li Lei: "I don't dare to associate with boys, because I think they are all bad people!"

Me: "Let's make a hypothesis, the boys are bad people." Then the last time you told me that Xiao Zhang in your class also helped you occupy a seat for self-study..."

Li Lei: "This is different, of course he is very good..."

Me: "So you mean he's not a boy?"

Li Lei (who was silent for a while): "Of course you can't say that..."

Me: "So you mean there are exceptions?"

Li Lei (thought about it) "There should be!"

Me: "Do you still think the boys around you are bad people?"

Li Lei: "... I said it seemed too absolute..."

After helping Li Lei realize that it was her own cognitive error, I guided her to correctly understand her need to interact with boys, and the great poet Goethe had a poem: "Which young boy is not in love, which girl is not pregnant?" What about just heterosexual interactions? Moreover, normal heterosexual interaction also has the following advantages, for example, intelligence and personality can complement each other's strengths, differences complement each other, the so-called "male and female collocation, work is not tired"; emotionally can also comfort each other, boys' distress and frustration can find comfort in the girl's peaceful mood and sympathetic gaze; and the boy's emotional exposure, rough, warm and powerful, can eliminate the girl's sorrow and doubt; and so on.

The third stage: system desensitization, overcoming fear

At this point of consultation, Li Lei boldly said that she wanted to associate with boys, and generously said that "it is not a big deal to interact with boys." However, the idea is the idea, in the actual situation, she will still be nervous, will be afraid, dare not to communicate. Therefore, Li Lei and I built her fear hierarchy together and accompanied her to slowly overcome the fear of heterosexual interaction.

With the help of a counselor, Lei Li established several different levels of terror anxiety about the horrors of heterosexual interactions. From (1) to (8) there are a total of 8 levels, the score in parentheses is the score that makes Li Lei afraid, 100 is the situation that makes her most afraid, and 0 is the situation that makes her relax.

(1) There are a lot of boys yelling at me. (90)

(2) There are boys who take the initiative to talk to me. (80)

(3) A boy came at me. (70)

(4) Several boys walked in front of them. (60)

(5) I heard a boy mention my name. (50)

(6) There are boys looking at me. (40)

(7) Boys are heard talking in the classroom. (30)

(8) I met a few boys on the road. (20)

Next, I instructed Li Lei to imagine the weakest level of anxiety situation in the context of full body relaxation, that is, let the helper imagine the scene of meeting a few boys on the road, and when Li Lei felt anxious and nervous, she reached out her hand. As soon as I found Li Lei holding out her finger, I told her to stop imagining, and asked her to report the assessment score for feeling anxious at this time, and to relax her whole body. After she has calmed down, she imagines it and repeats the above process repeatedly until she no longer feels nervous and anxious about the situation, and then moves on to the next level of imagination and relaxation.

At the end of each consultation, the scene that made Li Lei feel frightened would have less stimulating effect on her. At the same time, I assigned her homework, let her go back to do relaxation training according to the above methods, use relaxation techniques when she feels nervous in life, relieve tension, and encourage her to take the initiative to contact familiar boys, and whenever I tell me about the contact with boys, I affirm and encourage her progress.

The fourth stage: get rid of fear and accept the opposite sex

2 months later, Li Lei asked me to do one last consultation. She happily said that now she talks naturally with several boys in the class, sometimes she can discuss issues of interest, and she also participates in chess competitions organized by the department, and the quality of sleep is much better. I was happy for her progress, and before leaving, Li Lei asked with some shyness: "Teacher, I want to hug you, can I?" I nodded happily.

Li Lei still has a long way to go, and there will be many problems in life and in her studies. As long as this period of counseling can have some positive impact on her, it is the best gift for me as a counselor.

III. The Apocalypse of Love

1. Good heterosexual intercourse is the basis for obtaining love

Good heterosexual communication can make yourself more deeply aware of yourself, the opposite sex looks at the problem from a different perspective and the same sex, and the deepening of heterosexual interaction is conducive to understanding their lover. However, it is necessary to grasp the "degree" of interacting with the opposite sex.

2. The formation of intimate relationships is affected by experience

Behaviorism holds that all mental activity of a person is a response to external stimuli. In the process of growing up, people will experience all kinds of things, the same things, for some people may be insignificant, but for other sensitive people, the impact may be very far-reaching. Once a heart knot is formed in the early stages of injury, the "butterfly effect" will lead to psychological symptoms later on.

This is especially true for the formation of intimate relationships. The influence of parents and friends is great. Parents should teach by example, and an open-minded attitude is conducive to the physical and mental health of their children. Individuals should also learn to be open-minded, not to punish themselves for the mistakes of others, and to confidently and actively win friendships and even love of the opposite sex.