Amo is a very important person to me, it's just that she doesn't know.
Because I had no courage to show it at all, on the contrary, I always showed careless contempt for her, did not care, and even had disgusting emotions.
That's what often happens to cowardly people like me.
Later, by the time I had the courage to tell her, she had become completely unimportant.
For a while, I swore I hadn't thought about her at all, but I often dreamed of her, and in all kinds of strange dream episodes, there was her.
Once she had a dream that she said to me and the little boy, let's go skating. I couldn't skate at all, but in order not to make myself seem awkward, I said, well, I can.
Another time, I dreamed that my job was to take care of animals, which was super interesting. In my big house, each of us had a room of our own, And Amor stayed in my room when he came, I went to sleep elsewhere, and in the morning I went back to my room to talk to her, as if there had been no barrier before.
There are many more such dreams, and I have written them all down, because I am afraid that if I get up early and turn over, these dreams will disappear with the night. When I think about it more carefully, the me in the dream is no different from the actual me, and I also use the same temper and personality to deal with things.
The Amo in the dream is just as gentle and kind.
I don't remember the time we met on the day of the month, but when I went to Southeast Asia, I learned that there are no four seasons here, only the rainy season and the dry season, and what happened in that year, I can't always think of a specific date.
After watching the re-screening of "The Legend of Ah Fei" in China, I always want to see the palm trees that cover the entire screen. When I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, before the plane had landed, i was greeted by a large palm garden. That's how Southeast Asia feels to me, it's trance-like.
I only remember seeing the news of Lu Kaitong's suicide on the Internet at that time; I was also chasing the weekly Episode of the Japanese drama "Life Delete Company"; the iPhone 7 screen used at that time was accidentally broken...
My friend said she would remember the moment when the electric flint burst out, and I couldn't help it, I just remembered the little things that seemed to happen around that special moment.
As soon as we met Amo, I asked: Do you speak Cantonese? I said I would only listen and wouldn't talk, and she said she did too. I said it was because I liked Hong Kong movies and Cantonese songs, and she said she was too. She came over with the headphones on the left, and it was Eason Chan's voice.
I don't remember the song, and I asked her about it once and then forgot about it, and I don't think I really liked the song.
It just so happened that Amo was a friend of friends, and the next night we went to karaoke and I sat down to eat. Amo said let's sing a song, and I chose Mayday's chorus with Chen Qizhen to sing "Elope to the Moon".
One two three holding hands Four five six heads up Seven eight nine we eloped to the moon...
To say why Amo occupies such an important place in my heart, I myself am not quite sure.
Later, I thought, probably as soon as we met, she called me the same name that my friends in China called, not the one that the rest of the company called. Or when I went to the convenience store, I received a message from her to buy mints, which is also my favorite candy brand.
But I am like this, once this person is no longer as ordinary as other people in my heart, I can't treat this person normally like other people, and the whole person will become extremely awkward. Damn it! I scolded myself more than once, but the next time I couldn't get it right.
One night a few of us went outside to eat, and Amo took us to a park plaza to kill time, and I made a prank on Amo and said something mean, even though that wasn't what I meant. When I lay on the swing and watched the moon, I blamed myself.
Fantasy can be like the male protagonist of "Time and Space Traveler", there are opportunities to start over, even if you are not satisfied again, there will be many opportunities.
During that time, I also had insomnia, and my life was happy and lonely. Many things in the house are very sad, and every night, I have to comfort them to sleep.
WhatsApp always receives messages from Ammo, she asks us out to play, to eat, to go to the night market, to the park to chat...
One night, the car stopped downstairs from us, and another friend who was sitting in the co-pilot said, Amo, I miss you so much, you haven't come to ask us out lately. Amo said, you can also ask me, don't always let me ask you, I am also waiting for your message.
My friend said some sweet words again, and I sat in the back in a daze, really and really envious that she could express it so naturally, whether she missed it or hated it, so simply said it. But my pride is hopeless
Later, I gradually stopped joining them, and Amo didn't tell me to go out much.
After the rainy season, I went to Cameron Highlands with the team, and who knows, after returning, I got dengue fever. For half a month, he was sick and feverish, and his arms were covered with rashes, and he had to go to the clinic every day to draw blood for examination. One day the doctor said that your white blood cells and platelets have dropped to dangerous values and you want to go to the hospital for hospitalization.
I took the test form, my friend came to see me from work, and Amo came too, but didn't say anything, I knew we were drifting away.
The last time I saw her was downstairs at work, it was raining, and Amo saw me holding an umbrella and came over. Dropped her off at the parking lot and she said she was going to drive me downstairs to the apartment, I said no, so close.
Presumably she didn't care at all, she wasn't as sensitive and naïve as I was always, there was too much inner OS, and I guess she definitely didn't know the little tricks that I pretended to be calm and insisted on and practiced repeatedly.
Even though I know I'm naïve, sensitive, and hard to engage... There are many shortcomings, and I know that I don't know how to love people, even happiness will be afraid, and I will be hurt when I touch cotton. Years have passed, and I am only now beginning to learn how to change my character flaws.
One night before new year, I told her about her dreams. After waking up, I received a message from her: We have known each other for three years... You must be happy Happy New Year
She stopped calling me that intimate name.
"I don't know when it started, but there is a date on every thing, saury will expire, meat sauce will expire, even plastic wrap will expire." I began to wonder if there was anything in the world that wouldn't expire."
I wish you happiness, I am trying to be happy, even if I am not happy, I have nothing to do with you.
Image: Chongqing Forest/ Douban