#萌娃养成记-Week Punch Challenge #
01
I have a friend, and both my husband and I work at a large factory in Beijing. After giving birth to a baby, she still couldn't put down a good job opportunity after several thoughts, and chose to return to the workplace.
The mother-in-law came to help take care of the children for a year, and then she had to go back because of various things in her hometown.
What about children? The two children have no time and no energy, and the child can only follow the grandmother back to the hometown.
Although it is a choice made by myself, after all, it is a helpless move, and whenever I talk about this matter, my friends' words are full of heartache:
She said that she always saw what "the child sleeps with whomever kisses, who brings is whose child", which used to be a paradox, but now that I think about it, it may be true!
02
"Whoever sleeps with you will kiss whom", why does the child behave like this?
There is a very important concept in psychology called the "imprint effect".
As early as 1910, the German behaviorist Heinroth discovered in an experiment that a goose that had just come out of its shell would treat the first thing it saw as a mother and instinctively follow it, which could be a dog, a cat, or even a toy goose.
Later, this phenomenon was called the "imprint effect" by the Austrian biologist Condra Lorenz.
He also further verified through experiments:
If the newborn duckling sees him for the first time, then when in danger, he will also seek help and shelter from him, not the mother duck.
To introduce this phenomenon to infants and young children is actually that in the early stages of growth, the child will develop emotional dependence on the person who takes care of him closely.
Especially for children before the age of 3, when sleeping is the most secure time, who accompanies him at this time, he is attached to whom.
In fact, sleeping with or playing with children is an important way to establish an intimate relationship with children. You can't deny that the person who sleeps and plays with him is more likely to build a safe and intimate relationship with your baby.
Therefore, from this level, it is not unreasonable for the child to sleep with whomever he sleeps with, and whoever brings it is his child.
03
Some people may say that I am the mother who gave birth to him in October, and this kind of emotional connection cannot be compared. How could he not kiss me?
Indeed, children have a natural connection with their mother, both physically and mentally.
When he's still in your belly, you're the only source of his security.
But when he was born, after he was freed from that familiar warm maternal environment, he needed to be comforted, embraced, nursed, and kissed by his mother... Come and make a new connection with you again.
Accompany your child to sleep, gently pat him, sing a nursery rhyme to him, give him a warm hug... With this opportunity for emotional communication, the child will become dependent on you.
If you just gave birth to him and the rest of the companionship was given to others, how can the child establish an attachment relationship with you?
The writer Long Yingtai said in his article "Parents within the validity period", "Parents have an expiration date. Children are God's gift to us, and when you don't cherish it, God recycles this sweet gift. ”
The two years when CC was born were also the stage when my public account was just starting out. During that time, while taking care of her high needs, she also had to devote her energy to writing articles.
The mother-in-law was also out of heartache, saying that if I didn't let the children sleep with her, I would be able to rest better at night.
To tell the truth, it is not that I did not think about it, but after thinking about it again, I still refused the kindness of my mother-in-law.
During the day, there is a grandmother to help take care of it, and there is c and dad to play with, but at night, it is almost an intimate time that belongs to our mother and daughter.
I told her stories, coaxed her to sleep, poured out all my love, and made her feel full of security.
It's true that my child makes my life a little harder, but the most healing moment of the day is also the moment of holding her and watching her sleep peacefully in my arms or "struggling" to suckle.
04
"But I'm too tired to work during the day, and the children don't sleep well in the house at night, so let the old man help take care of it, is the child not kissing me?"
Of course not, we can't blame our children for not kissing ourselves, and blame them entirely on not sleeping with our children.
Sleeping with children is only a small aspect. If the child has not established an intimate relationship with you, then it must not even be able to achieve daily quality companionship.
There is a safety loop theory of the relationship between parents and children.
It can be seen that the child needs both your support to explore, to ensure his safety, to share his joy, to help him accomplish things that he cannot achieve (the upper loop), but also to protect him, to soothe him, to be happy for him, and to help him learn to deal with emotions (the lower loop).
Think about yourself, can you do all these things?
The closeness of children to us is undoubtedly related to time. But I always believe that the length of time is not the key.
The key lies in whether you have truly achieved attentive and quality companionship in a limited time.
Remember the "Rule of 123" we mentioned earlier?
Once a day, for 20 minutes, do one of 3 things (reading, playing games, chatting) with your child.
20 minutes only, definitely take it out. And, as long as you persist, you will definitely see results.
To be honest, even if they have returned to the workplace, most people do not have any respite from being occupied. There are a lot of fragmented time, which is quietly lost when brushing the phone.
Therefore, to improve the utilization rate of fragmented time, let alone save 20 minutes, 2 hours is possible.
Lunch breaks, time to take the bus, and time to wait for the elevator can be fully utilized.
I often put the party with friends about noon, and the daily necessities at home, CCDD clothes, most of them are bought at the time of going to the toilet and waiting for the elevator...
Believe me, the time saved is enough to have an intimate "date" with your baby.
05
Of course, I know that there are many people like my friends, and it is a forced choice for children to bring to their parents.
If you think about it, the child is completely attached to us, in fact, it is the first 3 years of birth. This is the critical stage of our emotional communication and intimacy with our children.
So, if it's possible, I certainly want you to take your kids with you. Before the age of 3, try to sleep with your child and have time to play with your child.
Not long ago, a friend showed me her "little essay" written in a memo, and told me that she had decided to take the child to her side and did not want to let this regret continue.
Just worried, don't know how to re-establish the parent-child relationship.
In fact, in my opinion, as long as there is this heart, quality companionship can make up for the lost time.
However, you'll need these suggestions:
When the child is separated from the original caregiver such as grandma, he must be afraid and anxious, and he is reluctant to give up on his grandmother, and he will inevitably say "no mother, want grandma".
However, don't blame the child or blame the elderly because of this.
First of all, the child can actually establish a secure attachment relationship with multiple caregivers, and he can trust your grandmother while trusting you.
As long as you accompany him with your heart, then he will eventually understand how important his parents are and how much they love him.
Second, Grandma and we are actually on the same front. If you want your child to feel the importance of the role of parents, you also need grandma to "stir up trouble" in your child's ears.
We should maintain communication and communication with the elderly and let him help us "say good things".
After spending a long time with the elderly, the child may show some habits that you are not very comfortable with or do not like. Don't rush to criticize, blame, correct, and give your child time to adapt.
If you want your child to trust you, you must first make him feel respected.
What's more, the smaller the baby's habits are easier to establish, as long as we maintain good habits, the child hears about it, and slowly accepts it.
Children are very simple creatures, and the expression of emotions through physical contact is super useful for babies, which will make children more clearly accept the transmission of your love.
It's like you say to your two-year-old, Mom loves you, what can he understand?
But if you give him a hug, it's different.
Especially when you feel embarrassed or the child loses his temper, hugging him, although it will not change much, but he will be instantly soft.
End
Finally, I would like to say that whether it is to accompany the child to sleep, or to accompany him to play games and read picture books, as long as the child feels your love, attention and understanding, and "plays" with the child...
Then the relationship between you is healthy and intimate, and you never have to worry about "the child and I don't kiss anymore".
(Source Network)
CD Mom and Dad: Promoter of "China Parent Learning Program", C Dad - Master of China Medical University, Doctor of Top 3 Hospital; C Mom - Editor-in-Chief of Parenting of Newspaper, Author of "Parents Have a Good Temper and Good Education".
Raising CC & DD two sisters and brothers, public welfare popularization of infant feeding, sleep, disease, psychological knowledge, so that more parents to join the scientific parenting team, together to take fewer detours, together to be "China's good parents"! Original public account "CD Mom and Dad" ( ID: cdbama )