If your life goes according to your wishes, it's good news for everyone.
Why do we always want things to be decided by us? In essence, it comes from the desire for control in everyone's body, and people who are more indifferent and more calm will have a certain desire for control.
The level of control is not a personality trait brought about by external environmental influences, the desire to control comes from human instincts and nature, in essence, the desire to control can meet the needs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs in the most basic sense of security.
However, in real life, some people always have too strong a desire to control, in general, the stronger the desire to control, in fact, the invisible harm to themselves and others will be deeper, the reason is that the more people with a strong desire to control, the more inferior they are in their bones, the weaker they are.
1. What causes excessive control?
Although everyone has a certain degree of control, some people's desire to control is always excessively extreme, especially the desire to control the people around them is almost distorted, and people with too much control are actually very poor.
The desire to control will inadvertently destroy the happiness and beauty accumulated by a family or a relationship for a long time, in fact, the peak period of control is the early childhood, especially those babies who are waiting to be fed have a stronger desire to control.
However, at this time, they cannot realize their controlling behavior, because they cannot distinguish between the subject and object relationship and their relationship with the external environment, so they cannot consider what impact their actions will have on the outside world.
Through crying and arguing, they tell their parents what they need, and at the same time, they invisibly "control" their parents to obey orders at any time, so why do babies have a desire to control?
According to evolutionary psychology, in the primitive period, the survival rate of babies in the crisis bush of nature, not optimistic, in order to make their mothers more aware of themselves, they will try to make a voice, praying that they can be concerned.
The mother's attention will invisibly give the baby more security, but also hint that the baby can survive, the crying at this time is a kind of control, control can bring people a sense of security, bring about the experience of being affirmed.
On the one hand, people with a strong desire for control come from a lack of security, they can't be sure whether the people and things around them belong to them, and in order for them to truly belong to themselves, they will desire you to accept his control.
In the same way, at the height of the centralized system in the Ming and Qing dynasties, under the power came from fear, and the stronger the desire to control people, the greater their fear of losing things in their hearts, the more afraid they were, the tighter they grasped, essentially from not being affirmed, from insecurity.
In fact, a strong desire to control also represents a person's obsession with rights, and the possession of rights is essentially to satisfy their own sense of security, and the control of the situation can make people plan ahead in a reasonable way.
The excessive fascination with rights is also a kind of inferiority, because rights can give people a sense of security and give people a certain degree of confidence.
Why is there always a desire to control the thoughts and actions of others? Essentially, it comes from the fear of loss, the denial of self-worth, and the bones are full of weakness.
Because they are unable to find self-identification from themselves and find the satisfaction of their need for respect, they will try to obtain energy from the external environment in order to satisfy their sad sense of security and respect.
So controlling others has become a way to satisfy needs, and the more controlling people are, the less they can realize that there are certain flaws in their own behavior patterns, and not only that, they also indulge in the pleasure of this control.
When the people or things around him can operate the way he wants, his inner sense of security can be greatly satisfied, and the need to be respected in his heart will also be satisfied.
So why do those with great power also indulge in the control of others, such as the ancient Son of Heaven's restraint on his subjects and the strict tutoring of their children by successful people in modern society?
In essence, this is a manifestation of a desire to control, and their desire to control is also relatively strong, whether it is the restraint of courtiers or the tutoring of children, it is a symbol of power.
Because the merits were too great, he could not be sure whether he could control these heroes, in essence, Zhao Kuangyin was afraid and inferior, so in order to eliminate the negative experience in his heart, he simply dismissed their military power.
Many Chinese parents want their children to live according to their wishes, and behind the desire for control is also hidden the idea of treating their children as appendages.
Control is originally a denial of human subjectivity, a person with a sound mind, a person with a sense of self-worth will not deny the subjectivity and independence of others, only those who are inferior and weak in the heart will see control as a way of self-satisfaction.
Sadly, this way of self-satisfaction does not make their lives more perfect, but only makes them invisibly imprisoned without knowing it, and controlling the outside world has always been a way to cure the symptoms rather than the root causes.
Solving the defects in thinking and cognition in their own hearts is a real kind of control, and smart people know how to control themselves, and controlling others is just a drop in the bucket.