This is my fifth year in Shanghai, and this year, many friends have begun to leave the city and return to their hometowns. Among them, there is a girlfriend who is good to me. This guy not only has to go back to his hometown, but more excessively, he also "sees through the red dust", she said:
I decided not only to go home, but also to live alone in the future. After getting used to the love of these so-called "urban men and women", I felt more and more that it was difficult for me to believe anything anymore. A person, a lifetime without love, self-sufficient, cheerful and carefree. It's good to live like this.
To be honest, I wasn't quite surprised. In this era, marriage has long been a necessity of society, however, I am afraid that now it is not even love. People's love rhythm is getting faster and faster, more and more "fast food", and it is common to divide and merge. Maybe it's because they've been hurt, maybe they've lost confidence, or maybe they really don't have interest, and more and more people say they don't want to be in love anymore.
But in the end, after all, it is still something that has not been practiced by many people, and people will always hesitate and worry about the unknown and the breaking of some customary rules. What does it mean not to be in love, and what are the risks and challenges? For those who really haven't planned to be in love all along, how should they live this life? Today, we want to talk to you about this.
Don't worry, before discussing "how people who don't talk about love can live this life", we must first confirm a premise: Do you really plan not to talk about love for the rest of your life?
Although many people say that they want to be single for the rest of their lives, they may not think so deeply. In other words, they may still have a vision of romantic love. So, when is it possible for a person to enter a state of "fake singleness" and not really want to be single for the rest of their lives? Here are some common scenarios:
If you meet the above conditions, when giving yourself the conclusion of "not being in love for a lifetime", you may have to think more about it, such as giving yourself more time, or prescribing the right medicine, which is a good way. But if you think it's okay to decide to stay single no matter what the situation, then you still need to recognize that you still face these challenges in not being in love for a lifetime.
OK, if these questions are clearly thought out, and you are sure that you have made the choice of not being in love for a lifetime under the premise of reason and thoughtful thinking, please continue to look down.
As mentioned above, the choice of not being in love for a lifetime faces many potential difficulties. In the process you may be shaken, confused, and repeatedly swayed and anxious. Therefore, if you want to live this life without love, adequate psychological preparation is essential.
In fact, romantic love is not necessary.
In The Psychology of Love, Nathaniel Branden argues that romantic love is actually the opposite of much of our history and is a personal choice: "It is first and foremost individualistic because it rejects human beings as units of interchangeable interests and places a high emphasis on individual differences and individual choices." At the same time, romantic love is selfish and driven by an individual's desire for happiness. ”
Since romantic love is an act that aims to be happy, if you can find something that also makes you happy, you can choose it.
Regarding how to attain happiness, Jung proposed these 5 elements:
Among them, good interpersonal and intimate relationships are not only provided by marriage or love, but also from other roles such as parents and friends. A good "intimate" relationship involves regular communication, no need to worry about betrayal and abandonment, mutual respect, acceptance of the atmosphere, if a person can get this form of "intimate relationship", then romantic love is not necessary.
In addition, there are a large number of studies that confirm that not being in love is actually not as terrible as we think.
A study of people over the age of fifty found that having a partner didn't have much of an impact on people's mental health, especially for women.
Not only that, but people who have not been in love may have a better life than people who are in love.
The Marks and Lambert study found that people who remained single scored significantly higher on the two measures of autonomy and personal growth than married people. Moreover, single people generally have a larger social platform, more friends, and more close and higher quality connections with friends and family than people in relationships.
Seeing this, you may say, I understand the reason, but I am still worried about what to do?
Don't worry, we've got some more hands-on life guides for you.
If you still have concerns about "not being in love all your life", or don't know how to spend this life better in this state, let's open this "Handbook of Life Without Love" together:
Adamczyk found that people who voluntarily became single experienced less loneliness from losing a romantic relationship. However, people who consider themselves involuntary and forced to be single are more likely to feel lonely.
So, if the reason you decide to stay single is proactive, like "I want to pursue a freer life," then you just need to keep reinforcing and firming it. But if your reason is actually passive, such as "I just can't meet the person I like", then you can try to change the active narrative style and adjust it to "my life, I want to go at my own pace".
Second, developing these personality traits can help you better adjust to and benefit from not being in love.
The same is single, why do some people enjoy it, and some people suffer?
According to Bella DePaulo, people who enjoy being single often possess these qualities:
DePaulo also added that people who can enjoy being single do not necessarily have higher control and self-sufficiency than ordinary people (both emotionally and materially), but people who have been single can benefit more from these two abilities and be free from negative emotional interference.
Meditation can help us regulate our emotions, improve our emotional stability, and regain a calm mind. Below, you can learn how to better regulate your emotions and live in peace with negative emotions through meditation exercises.
Life, on the one hand, has basic material needs, and on the other hand, there are uncertain risks. The decision not to fall in love for a lifetime actually makes the demand for people to bear material security independently higher. The material security mentioned here is actually multifaceted:
A certain amount of personal deposit
Relatively stable flowing water
Abundant logistical support, such as personal insurance, pension arrangements, etc
There are "responsible expenditures" preparations, such as parental support, elderly medical care, etc
Save yourself a "risk fund" to deal with emergencies
In fact, in various types of relationships, the partner is the largest part of everyone's heart, and is the center of people's emotional, material and personal lives. Sounds like it's irreplaceable?
But Spencer points out that if people can replace the only intimate relationship with multiple emotional relationships, they can maximize happiness.
What is a pluralistic emotional relationship?
For example, in some relationships, you can spit and vent; in some relationships, you can get companionship; there are others who can solve your problems; provide physical and mental support for sex.....
For people who want not to be in love for a lifetime, you can pay more attention to various emotional relationships and strive to express your demands to more different people, rather than focusing your feelings on a few people, which is an effective way to provide emotional protection for yourself.
This is something that all people who "want to live this life" need to keep practicing.
This is how Fromm talks about creativity, saying, "True happiness is based on positive creativity." Its opposite is not bitterness and unhappiness, but frustration due to a lack of creativity and fruitlessness. ”
A person who is not creative can only passively accept the input of external energy continuously, constantly being molded, being asked, and losing his own energy. He may never find a sense of security and happiness, because he cannot even perceive his own existence.
Only in creative practice can people feel their own integrity, feel their integration with the outside world, and have a deep connection with the world. I believe that whether it is spent alone or with a partner, how to construct the meaning of life is everyone's own proposition.
Finally, I would like to say that never forget that you have the right to end being single at any time.
Life is never a game, you don't have to follow the requirements of others to reach a specific destination, nor do you need to frame an unchangeable life template for yourself. No matter which way you choose, the most important thing is to learn to deal with the relationship with yourself.
When you can gladly accept any emotional situation and life situation, and you are willing to use your time and experience to nourish your self-awareness and realize your self-worth, the so-called happiness will always follow you.