Why does the family of origin have such a big influence on a person? Under the microscope of psychology, a disturbing truth emerges: the so-called "love" that many parents have for their children actually hides deep jealousy and a struggle for power. They constantly test and expand the boundaries of authority as parents through distress education, mental manipulation, personality debasement, and emotional abuse. These behaviors are essentially compensation for their own powerlessness and a vicious satisfaction of the desire for control.
First of all, those parents who have achieved nothing in life and are at the mercy of others find that the only area they can control is the absolute domination of the family, especially their children.
When life doesn't go their way, when there is nowhere to vent their grievances and frustrations, they turn this negative emotion into a more intense means to pour it out on someone weaker than themselves – their children.
For example, many children have been stabbed by their parents' words: "If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your dad a long time ago." "If it weren't for you, I don't know how happy I would be right now." Under these seemingly good excuses for the child, what is hidden is the pathological psychology of blaming the child for his own misfortune. Many parents can't stand their children's happiness and success because it magnifies their own failures and dissatisfactions.
Even when the child finds an ideal partner and is ready to escape from the shadow of the original family, some parents will use the shackles of morality and filial piety to tie the child back to themselves. They demand that their children provide for themselves and even force them to have children as an excuse to continue to control them. Once they are able to stay at home, they will continue to exert all kinds of control and manipulation, turning the family into an emotional dumping ground with no peace.
Second, from the perspective of brain science, it all seems more explicit.
When parents think about their children, the flank prefrontal lobe in their brain comes active, an area responsible for processing information related to self-identity. This explains why there is a traditional Chinese belief that "children are a piece of meat that falls from their parents". In this state of mind, parents often regard their children as a part of themselves, or even their own private property, and believe that their children deserve to be controlled by themselves.
However, parents who are truly mature and loving will see their children as independent individuals and support them in their pursuit of their own happiness and fulfillment. They will use their life experiences to encourage their children, rather than forcing them to repeat their own mistakes. On the contrary, those parents who are stupid and stubborn will use their children to satisfy their own selfish desires and impose their own suffering on their children, believing that this is the only way for their children to grow up.
Psychologist Winnickett, in his book "Psychoanalysis in Childhood", cites 18 reasons why mothers resent their children, which further confirms this view. In the family system, mothers are often in a weaker position, and they may pass on their dissatisfaction and anger to their children, especially daughters. Because mothers themselves are daughters, they may become jealous of their daughter's happiness and cannot accept that their daughter is free from their control and lives a happier life than themselves.
When we realize our self-worth and rebel against our parents' manipulation, we break their long-established rule. This can trigger fear and anger in them as their proud self-image is completely destroyed. They want us to succeed in order to satisfy their vanity, but they don't want us to be too successful so that we don't get out of their control.
Finally, we must recognize that parental flaws and misperceptions can have a profound impact on us.
If they are not able to achieve psychological differentiation with us, then we have to do the process ourselves. We need to be aware of the importance of self-awareness, the importance of self-awareness. We need to become individuals with a complete and independent personality, so that we can better face our parents and live our own lives.
To sum up: I call on everyone not to try to save our parents, but to avoid the negative impact of their misconceptions on us. Living your life and becoming what you want to be is the first priority in life that we should focus on. Facts have proved that a person's original family determines his future and destiny! What do you think about the topic of comparison? Welcome to discuss in the comment area!