The most common question I receive every day is, "Teacher, is he worth my redemption?" ”
In fact, I understand your mood very well, everyone wants to pursue cost performance, no one wants to be busy for half a day, the result is not necessary.
But if your ex finds a new partner soon after the breakup, and you come to me for help, hoping that I will help you make up your mind, then I am not entangled at all, and a few questions can tell you the answer.
1, see if the other party has slowly broken away from the relationship with you before breaking up;
2, see if the other party has deliberately found a fault before breaking up, nothing wrong.
The first point is very easy to understand, if he has not already found a home, why is he so anxious to delete the dynamics related to you and pretend to be single?
And the second point is because he knows that his heart is no longer here with you, but he is afraid of taking responsibility, so he tries to find a way to find a way to say for himself, for example, there were some small problems in you before, he can tolerate it, but now he has been making a big fuss, preferring to argue with you about right and wrong.
He frequently argues with you or takes the initiative to create conflicts, all in order to alleviate the guilt in his heart and tell himself: It is not that I am cheating, but that I am really inappropriate with you.
Then I sincerely suggest to you, when you meet such a man, don't talk about what is not redeemable, and fiercely "retaliate" him!
But I'm not going to let you tear the scumbag man in the circle of friends, nor do I let you rush to him and slap him a few times, these are not necessary, because it will not make him feel a little ashamed, and even make him feel an inexplicable sense of superiority.
Maybe he still took your long speech and added fuel to the new joy: "Look, you know why I broke up with this person, she is like a shrew!" ”
So, my dear, I will tell you that the opposite of love is never hate, but indifference.
In the face of a man who will not cherish you, you don't need to be grief-stricken every day, you should be happy that you have finally seen the true face of the other party, glad that you are not married and have children, and you have countless better choices.
"I know you're starting a new relationship soon, but what does that have to do with me?" I can't bless you, and you've lost all right to walk into my life. ”
In the next few days, you should run your own life well, live your own little life, and never go to your ex to be a beam-jumping clown.
But isn't all the seamlessness worth salvaging?
Not really.
Because there is indeed a kind of man who doesn't do anything out of the ordinary when he is with you, but instead has normal contact with the object after the breakup, but the interval is very short.
If you really like this person, then I suggest you take some action to save yourself, and the other person will soon return to you, why am I so sure?
Because there is no preparation for the feelings that start too quickly, the two sides have not even figured out each other's personality, and there will be various contradictions in the process of communication, and you do not have to work hard at all, the other party will can't help but compare with you and remember your beautiful past.
If you want to save your ex, you must first understand the motivation behind him and explore the potential needs in his heart, which is the most concerned question: "Why is he so anxious to find a new love?" Isn't he sad at all? ”
There are three main reasons:
Normal love affairs are divided into the following stages:
Period of love. They both feel that the other is very perfect, and they are eager to stick together all day long to see each other feel that everywhere is good.
After the freshness fades, each other hopes to have more independent space, and the common topic between the two people is less and less, and they can see each other's true appearance and many deficiencies more rationally.
There are more and more contradictions between two people, because there is a big gap between expectations and feelings, and the other party has not made changes for a long time, so they proposed to break up.
Therefore, you will definitely quarrel and contradict before breaking up, but men who choose seamlessness like to "add drama" to themselves, and once they do not feel your attention, they will infinitely magnify their grievances, in fact, they are the harm they have imagined to themselves.
Because human nature is, if you hurt me, then I have to choose to fight back or avoid.
But some people he has not been hurt in any real way, maybe just you did not meet his expectations, he knows that his reasons are very far-fetched, so he has to find a new object, seek a new attention, in fact, to put it bluntly, is the performance of weak inner energy and inferiority.
The weaker the energy, the more he will find a way to prove his position, and Xin huan happens to be the most suitable person, he is eager to prove to you, although the separation, I am not sad at all, I quickly found a better and more beautiful other than you.
In fact, you really don't need to go too far into your heart, and you don't need to sprinkle the fire on The New Love, because this is the typical desire to cover up, and the more he shows off how good he is after the breakup, the more he proves that he can't let go of you in his heart.
And you think about who will prove their worth to the former?
It is because he subconsciously feels that in the past life, your value is much higher than his, he has no way to control the relationship, and he has to prove that he has more choices through a seamless way.
I've seen a quote on the Internet before: "There are two ways to get out of love quickly, new love and time, if it still doesn't work, either the new love is not good enough, or the time is not long enough." 」 ”
So, do you think he's really in love with The New Joy?
He just wants to find a way to get out of the pain quickly, he has become accustomed to the mode of spending time with you, when he comes home to see the empty room, no one greets him with a good morning and good night, these once closely connected places suddenly quit, is the most uncomfortable place after the breakup.
But if, at this time, a new person appears, there will be a big change, and I can pin my thoughts on you on another person, and I can quickly connect with another person.
Writing this, perhaps many people will start to fight for the new love.
This is also the original intention of my sharing this article today, in the case of the other party and the new love of the relationship is not stable, you go to save each other, not to destroy them, but to provide another possibility for your relationship.
If he really only regards Xin Huan as a "tool person" in his heart, then you can help her and let the ex see his heart clearly.
Just like the classic line in "33 Days of Lost Love": "You young people, when things are broken, you know that you can change them, and in our time, we only want to repair." ”
If you want to build a long-term relationship, you must overcome the bumps in the road, rather than thinking of giving up when there is a problem, I have a few effective suggestions that can help you:
First, calm down and calm, and make a real reconciliation with the other party
I know that you are extremely struggling inside at this time, the ex and the new love are sweet and sweet, and you actually want to eat the grass, you feel that you have lost someone to your home, under the influence of this extreme emotion, many people will lose their minds.
But you have to hold on! Calm down! Calm down! Calm down again! You need to put on an attitude of not complaining, not blessing, not arguing, and have a real communication with the other party, which does not exacerbate the contradiction and leaves room for your relationship.
You need to do these three things well:
1, show the attitude: "I was really miserable during the time when I first broke up, and I often couldn't control my emotions, but now that I see that you are having a good life, I am free, and I should also go to meet a new life." ”
First tell the other party that he is serious about feelings, and then come to a god reversal, although I care about you, but I will not pestering you and reducing his sense of defense.
2, the use of memory empathy: "Falling in love is really a complicated thing, the two of us have really laughed together, happy, happy, the other day I also went to XXX, I think that will be the two of us favorite to go there for a walk, you also said that this is the most relaxed moment of the day." 」 ”
I just provided a template for reference, and you can also start with asking for help and common topics, as long as you can give him a step to communicate with you normally.
3, sincerely apologize and ask the other party: "I do not have a good temper, I used to always love to be angry, maybe this is related to the fact that I am an only child, so I still want to say sorry to you, but now we have also broken up, you can boldly say what you think of me, I also want to change it, maybe the next time I fall in love, I can avoid it, you can rest assured that I have absolutely no emotions." ”
Create an absolutely safe environment for each other, guide him to say his true thoughts, as long as the two sides can reach a reconciliation, talk to each other, even if the final decision to give up the redemption, your relationship will be much more mature, at least not to mention each other's name to hate the itchy look.
Second, value comparison, let the ex take the initiative to get closer to you
In fact, there are two options in front of the ex now:
One is someone I used to like very much but didn't meet my needs; one is the "substitute" I used to get out of a broken relationship.
Which one do you think he has a deeper obsession with?
So when you get him back, you don't need to fight openly or secretly, but in the right way, it is enough to give him the choice.
If you and Xinhuan have common friends before, or you have channels to hear from her, you can analyze the gap between yourself and the other party from the aspects of work, taste, personality, etc., what are your advantages and disadvantages, but I am not letting you imitate Xinhuan, but to give the ex a kind of "she does not have but I have" things, such as Xinhuan is a very cute little girl, then you can show your intellectual and generous side.
However, he is likely to "reject you formalistically", for example, on the surface, he does not say compound, but meets with you more and more times, or deletes your contact information, but can't help but inquire about your situation.
Because he may be constrained by a sense of morality, or perhaps he wants face, you only need to express two things in the whole process of reunion: 1. What is my advantage? 2, I can bring you the life you want.
He will make a very clear choice and involuntarily approach you.
Finally, I want to tell you that Xinhuan is really not so terrible, the key lies in yourself, you choose to save him, is because you really realize the past problems and want to give each other a chance again, or want to export evil to retaliate against him, if you are just jealous because you are not willing, then I don't think it makes much sense.
When you choose to redeem, it is not to snatch anyone from whom, but to give your own heart, the right to choose carefully at once.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C
The full version of the test questions and answers are available by private message
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="152" >I'm Yu Chen, an emotional counselor, who knows more than you think. If you have emotional confusion, you can consult private messages or comments. </h1>