Falling in love depends on the impulse of hormones.
Marriage relies on the mutual restraint of human affection and sophistication.
1. You must be able to "fan the flames"
What do you mean?
In fact, it is a sentence: "Don't take evil as small, don't take good as small." ”
A wife came to see me and complained about her husband: he had betrayed her, but after he returned, he was very cold to her.
Just for her birthday, I bought a bouquet of roses.
I said, since he is so cold, why should he buy you roses.
The wife said that it was not under pressure.
I said, you asked him to buy it?
My wife said, I didn't tell him.
I said, that's what he took to show you overtures, right?
My wife said, but he was kind to me that day, and the next day he ignored me.
I said, "You didn't have anything to say when he gave you roses?"
My wife said, "I'm sure of him."
I said, how can I be sure?
My wife said, I said, we have been married for 12 years, and it is not easy for you to buy me roses for the first time.
I said, "Is this called affirmation?" It's called denial, okay? The subtext of this is, you owe me too much, can you afford it?
Your husband was desperate when he heard it, and since he owed too much, then I simply wouldn't pay it back.
Your husband hasn't given you flowers for 12 years, so it's a milestone change to give you flowers now. Although there is still a distance from your expectations, as long as it is a positive thing, you should be sure that we can "spark a prairie fire".
You can completely say: Husband, I am so happy, I didn't expect you to give me flowers, because I know that we have an awkward relationship now, and we are a little hostile to each other, but you are willing to take this step bravely, which shows that you love me, love this family, and are angry, thank you husband......
When your husband hears this, do you think he is more willing to pay for you?
Why did he get cold to you the next day?
Because he thinks it's useless for me to give.
Originally, your relationship is very fragile now, and it is not easy for a good phenomenon to appear, so you should cherish it.
But you are lost in your high expectations, you overestimate your husband's emotional intelligence and love for you, you overestimate human nature, so you will "seek full blame".
is just a sentence, I have watched too many idol dramas, thinking that all men in the world are lovers and love saints.
You need to open your eyes to the world, all good men are femdom.
2. It is also necessary to "turn big things into small things, and small things into small things"
A couple came to me and said that we were going to the Civil Affairs Bureau with my husband tomorrow, but people around me thought that the reason for our divorce was ridiculous, so I wanted to ask what you think.
The reason for their divorce was that the walk after dinner had collapsed.
The wife feels that it is extremely happy to take her husband's hand for a walk after eating.
But my husband said that I didn't want to go out, and I was so tired from working outside, so I just wanted to lie on the sofa and play games for a while.
Next, the drama of "going online" will begin.
The wife said, you don't want to accompany me, the game is more important than your wife.
The man said, you don't give me any bit of understanding, you are too selfish, you can't see how tired I am.
Note that the topic of discussion was walking.
Now the discussion is such a serious matter of principle as whether a man loves his wife or not, and whether his wife is selfish.
The two quickly got on the debate stage and began to capture examples from the bits and pieces of life, the wife trying to prove that her husband was a scumbag, and the husband trying to prove that his wife was a narcissist.
Proof that in the end, they decided to divorce.
I said, "If you divorce over this matter, you should not marry in the future."
Because you haven't even stepped through the "emotional gate".
You are so capable.
Don't use this toxic "sentence structure" in marriage: you ...... None of them...... You can see that you are a ...... Person.
You don't even do housework, which shows that you are a person who does not love me.
You don't even go to your mother-in-law's house during the Spring Festival, which shows that you are a person who doesn't have me in your heart at all.
You refused to even go to bed, which shows how much you dislike me......
Remember, relationships are not that fragile, and life is not dominoes, because one thing, can overturn an entire marriage.
Walking is actually a matter of habits and preferences, and it has nothing to do with love or not, and a person's character.
If you don't understand that you like to wear a high hat to each other, it means that you are too insecure about yourself, your feelings, and the other person.
This is a disease to be cured.
3. Remember, behind everyone's mask, there is a glass heart
The real human sophistication is actually based on the weakness of human nature and looking at the overall situation.
It is to be able to see the crux of the problem at a glance and to be aware of the changes in feelings from the perspective of compassion.
For example, let's still talk about the little thing of taking a walk after dinner.
Why didn't the couple compete so much about other things?
There must be a story after that.
I spoke to the couple.
It was discovered that walking did have a "special meaning" for his wife.
My wife's parents divorced when she was a child, and when she was in middle school, her father picked her up and sent her back to her mother's house every night after self-study.
Because it was very close to home, her father deliberately took her around the community for 1 hour to talk to her.
Compared with her mother, who falls into depression every day and has a straight face, her lively and cheerful and knowledgeable father can certainly comfort her lonely heart.
Speaking of this, the wife burst into tears, and the husband couldn't help but take his wife's hand and give her tissues.
I said, if you know that your wife has this knot, would you still like to go for a walk with her?
The husband bowed his head and said, of course he would.
Then I asked my husband again, then why do you like to stay at home?
My husband couldn't tell at first, but after a while, I realized that his parents had been pushing a small cart to do business, from early morning to late at night.
He has almost no home, and often walks the streets and alleys with his parents after school, and sometimes hides in Tibet when he encounters chengguan.
So he has hated people since he was a child, and he especially longs to have a nest of his own and stay quietly.
His wife said that he was going to go for a walk, and the sense of relaxation that he had so hard to experience was ruined again.
He will instinctively want to resist......
When the wife heard this, she couldn't help but hug her husband.
I said, if we can take a deeper look, even if we can't take a walk, the husband holds his wife's hand, and the wife hugs her husband's shoulder, your experience at this moment, is this kind of companionship of higher quality?
The wife said, it's okay, you're at home, I'll accompany you.
My husband said, it's okay, I'm willing to go with you.
The two looked at each other with a smile and hugged each other deeply.
I say that such moments are called "fragile relatives".
Confrontation happens when we see someone else's mask.
Affection happens when we can see each other's vulnerability.
Many couples will never be able to have such a beautiful moment, such a healing moment in their lifetime.
What they see is the beam in their own eyes, but they can't see the real partner.
At this time, what needs to be solved may not need to be solved.
Because love is flowing, that's the nature of what we're all about.