Not long ago, the 21-year-old game booster "Fat Cat" passed away by jumping into the river in Chongqing. This incident has caused heated discussions on the Internet.
Recently, there is news on the Internet that the case related to fat cats has been officially handed over to the public security organs for handling.
The death of the fat cat is inseparable from his "girlfriend" and "relationship", and its details need to wait for the investigation and confirmation of the public security organs, but according to the current information, this "relationship" is definitely not normal, and even poisonous.
Love is a journey of sweetness and pain at the same time, it is normal to be noisy and stumble, but it is more about each other's companionship, understanding and growth. If you find yourself in this relationship, physically and mentally exhausted, constrained, or even like a trapped beast trapped in an invisible cage, knowing that something is wrong, but unable to struggle, then you need to be wary of whether you are in love with a "toxic lover" and fall into the quagmire of a "toxic relationship".
What does a toxic relationship really look like? How can you tell if you are unladylike? "Toxic lovers" bring "toxic relationships", therefore, identifying "toxic lovers" is the first line of defense away from "toxic relationships". "Toxic lovers" are like mandala flowers, bewitching, mysterious, seemingly charming but secretly poisonous, and like vampires, seemingly elegant but trying to suck your blood. Such "toxic lovers" usually have the following three characteristics, and if you find these signs in the process of dating, you have to be vigilant!
Elusive, unpredictable
"Toxic lovers" are very good at "beating a stick to give a date", one second they are sweet to show love, the next second they turn their faces ruthlessly, and so on.
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This elusiveness will make it impossible for the partner to find a sense of control in the other person, and can only find the reason in themselves: "Did I say the wrong thing?" Am I not doing well enough? As a result, the victim took the blame instead, expecting the "good side" of the other party to appear in the next moment.
So why are they treated like this, but some people still "never leave"?
This is because it is painful to be tormented by "elusive", but the sudden "good to you" is surprising and sweet. Cognitive neuroscience research has found that dopamine production is more vigorous when rewards come unexpectedly. At the same time, as you look forward to and wait for the next "reward" that is difficult to predict but has a high probability of occurring, dopamine secretion will continue to climb and reach its peak when you finally get the "reward".
Intermittent rewards and punishments bring painful and happy experiences, but at the same time, they also lead to the dilemma of "knowing that they are scumbag, but they are powerless to struggle". Because every "good" is like a sweet candy, which makes people forget the previous pain for a while; And every "bad" is like a sharp knife, which makes people miserable, but because they look forward to the next "good", they have to continue to endure.
Blindly taking, rarely investing
Intimacy is a two-way street. But "toxic lovers" tend to be self-centered, focusing only on their own needs and interests, and not caring about their partner's efforts and feelings.
As a result, having an intimate relationship with a "toxic lover" can often be exhausting and frustrating. Because no matter how hard you try, you can't satisfy their never-ending needs and desires. And when you need their support and love, they often turn a blind eye or even become indifferent.
There are only promises, no actions
The third skill that "toxic lovers" have perfected is "fake the future". They are very good at drawing a big pie and weaving a seemingly beautiful and alluring blueprint for the future, as a way to stifle the partner's desire to escape and stabilize the other person's urge to resist. For example, I will marry you and give you a warm family; Or I'll mend my ways and love you with all my heart.
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However, these commitments are often nothing more than empty and unbacked by substantive actions and plans. They may say good things, but when it comes to putting it into practice, they will come up with all sorts of excuses and excuses to avoid responsibility, for example, I'm not ready, we don't have a house yet, I can't leave the job right now, wait until we have enough money, etc.
Four common routines of "poisoning".
"Toxic lovers" have thousands of ways to manipulate people's hearts, but they will almost follow and repeat several routines to "poison" you:
1
Bombarded with "idealized" sweet cannonballs on you
"I don't know what to do, and I love a little deeply", which seems to perfectly interpret the mystery and magic of romantic love. From ancient times to the present day, few people have been able to resist the temptation of romantic love.
And the "toxic lover" precisely grasps this weakness of people and uses "idealized" ways to bombard you with sweet cannonballs, such as:
Claim that you are the first person who is really good to TA, and you are the most special existence in TA's life;
Depict you as the ideal partner for TA, no one can match you, no one can replace you;
In his words, he is full of praise and admiration for you, and he does not hesitate to express his appreciation for you;
Describe you to near-perfection, as if you are an incomparable presence in TA's heart, and make you believe that you are the only one in TA's world.
"Toxic Lover" can make you feel that TA loves you so deeply, is obsessed with you, and pushes back your defenses and storms your fortress step by step.
2
Use "pretending to be pathetic" to flood your compassion
Of course, some "toxic lovers" are also very good at seeing people on the plate, and if they find that you are not the person who is easily carried away by romantic love, they will turn to the "trauma dumping" strategy.
It is when the two are not so familiar and intimate, they will "confide in their hearts" to you without reservation, share with you how miserable and pitiful they are when they are young, how fragile they are and how in urgent need of care they are now, and express to you how much they desire to warm their families in the future in order to win your sympathy and pity.
Therefore, if you are the first time you meet or someone you have just met will launch a fierce attack on you or show your vulnerability excessively, you should ring the alarm bell in your heart, polish your eyes, see more, listen more, investigate more, and be more cautious.
3
Stampore your self-esteem under your feet with "demeaning".
Using "sweet cannonballs" to lure you into the "love trap" is the first goal of "toxic lovers", but it is the ultimate goal of "toxic lovers" to let you be manipulated and squeezed willingly and without resistance.
When a person's self-esteem falls to the bottom, it is often easy to fall into cognitive confusion, self-doubt, and it is difficult to maintain interpersonal boundaries and adhere to one's own position, so that "toxic lovers" have an opportunity. Therefore, "belittling" is often the second step for "toxic lovers" to "poison" you:
In the past, you did everything right, always so considerate, but now you can't do anything right, even simple housework;
You used to be very good everywhere, both on the outside and on the inside, but now you can't compare with everything, and you can't even do the most basic care;
……
Or:
On the one hand, he blames you for only caring about work and not accompanying him, and on the other hand, he belittles you for earning less than two people to spend;
while complaining that you are too far away and forced into a long-distance relationship, and on the other hand, finding all kinds of excuses to refuse you to come forward;
……
"Toxic lovers" demean each other by ridiculing, sarcastic, criticizing, or ignoring each other, causing the victim to have self-doubt, lower self-confidence, and even feel worthless:
Without TA, I'm nothing;
I only have TA anymore, and without TA, I can no longer find someone who loves me;
It's that I'm not good enough, not working hard enough, not doing enough.
4
Use "discarding" to throw you away like garbage
When you listen to his dispatch without complaint, reluctantly compromise, and give everything willingly, even if you just euphemistically express your wish to the other party that you hope that the other party can fulfill your promise, you may encounter the other party's anger, indifference, neglect, prevarication and even abandonment, for example, do not reply to messages, do not listen to the phone, do not answer the phone, block your friends, disappear for no reason, have no news, or kick you out of the house, or use the excuse that your personality is incompatible, it is better to get together and disperse......
However, when you are disheartened and want to let go of yourself and the other party, the "toxic lover" will make a comeback and start a new round of "sweet bombardment", making you constantly fall into the "toxic reincarnation" of "idealization-belittlement-abandonment", and it is difficult to escape.
If you find yourself experiencing this cycle of emotional abuse, it's important to take prompt action to stay away from toxic lovers and preserve evidence if necessary. In conclusion, cutting all ties with a toxic lover is the most effective strategy to stay away from a toxic relationship.
epilogue
Remember! It's not your fault that you're stuck in a toxic relationship, and it's not because you're too vulnerable! There are too many forms of "toxic relationships", which are too secretive; And "toxic lovers" have too many routines that are difficult to discern.
The basic assumptions of relationships are security and trust, which are the cornerstones of our relationships with others, however, it can also easily lead us to let our guard down when interacting with people, giving the "toxic lover" an opportunity to gradually lead us into a relationship full of negative energy.
Therefore, learning to recognize "toxic relationships" and "toxic lovers" requires us to be vigilant, to clearly delineate relationship boundaries, to be brave enough to express our feelings, and to focus on our own needs.
Source: Popular Science China