Last Wednesday night, I sat alone at McDonald's, waiting for Dabao to get out of class.
I wrote an article for a while, and when I was resting, my eyes unconsciously drifted around-
There were several aunts sitting around the table next to them, and they were happily chatting about family life, and most of the topics revolved around their children and grandchildren.
Not far away, a mother, who was probably also waiting for her child to get out of class, kept talking softly on the phone, and although I couldn't understand her dialect, I could still see her mood swings in her expression and tone, and she started crying as she spoke......
A middle-aged man who looked like a homeless man, carrying a bag of leftovers in his hand, shuttled back and forth between the seat and the bathroom, exuding bursts of smell.
There was also an old man in the corner who looked a little scruffy, his eyes staring straight at the person who was doing something, and when he saw someone leaving, he immediately leaned over and looked through the table to see if there was anything left.
There are also waiters who beat their waists, leaning against the pillars, staring at the floor in a daze, staring at the mobile phone screen, guarding the food outlet, and urging a sentence from time to time......
On the way home, I shared what I saw and heard at McDonald's with Dabao.
He listened to me talk about the wandering middle-aged people, the middle-aged people who picked up other people's leftovers, and showed an incredible expression, saying how could anyone still live such a life.
I offered to take him to McDonald's this Wednesday to see for myself.
He immediately refused, and it could be seen that in addition to fear, there was also a little disgust in the reason for his refusal.
Seeing Dabao's reaction, I suddenly remembered the famous words of the English poet John Donne: "Everyone is an island." ”
Many times, we are living in a vacuum, always going around the things we care about the most, "hanging on the highs that are none of our business".
In the Internet era, we can easily obtain massive information and know anything in any corner of the world at any time, but perhaps because of the convenience of virtual life, our real life has been further hollowed out.
This is true for us, and even more so for children born in the age of the internet.
Peng Kaiping, a professor at Tsinghua University, said that the family model has now shifted from a "big family" to a "small family". In the past, close neighbourhoods were becoming less and less close, and most families raised their children in a tiny home environment.
Coupled with the heavy academic load and single life, many tutorial classes are online. The connection between children and the real world is really getting less and less, and it is getting looser and looser.
See the real, diverse world
In life, we often feel an indescribable "sense of vacuum".
Where does this feeling come from?
In recent years, a word has gradually entered our field of vision: "the disappearance of the neighborhood".
This concept was first proposed by anthropologist Xiang Biao in an interview with "Thirteen Invitations", which refers to the fact that people are less and less concerned about the scenes around their lives, and instead pay more attention to the grand narrative of public events.
Excerpt from the program "Thirteen Invitations"
In order to explain more clearly, Professor Xiang Biao also gave many examples:
If you ask young students, what is the job of a parent?
In the community where you live, what did you think about when you bought this house?
What is the social significance of this neighborhood in your city?
What is the relationship between the surrounding wet markets?
They can't describe it clearly because they find the questions a bit boring and unimportant.
They feel that it is more important to "go beyond" these, for example, they are very clear about the world rankings related to the university entrance examination, and how to take the TOEFL GRE.
The "disappearance of the neighborhood" erects an invisible barrier between us and the world that is truly within reach, giving us a "sense of vacuum" (a feeling that has been exacerbated by the rapid development of the Internet).
What about children?
Today's children are surrounded by all kinds of textbooks and extracurricular classes every day, and they rarely have the opportunity to really get out of the classroom and feel the color and complexity of the world.
Even if they get a glimpse of the wider world through reading, travel, and online resources, what they see is often a carefully selected, beautiful and refined side.
With the continuous increase of our investment in education, there are more and more people with "high scores and low ability", "knowledge but no thought", "diploma and no responsibility", "understanding of exams and not compassion".
Popular science V Wan Weigang once mentioned in "The Exquisite Egoist and the Ivy Sheep":
Top universities in China and the United States are cultivating the same kind of intellectual elite: they have a weak sense of social responsibility and mission, and they are unwilling to pay more for social activities, and they are too busy to take care of themselves, and they "have no time to care about things outside of their own lives."
I once saw a real experience shared by a mother on Weibo.
Because her English grades have always been very good, her child was selected as the representative of the English class, which is a good thing, but the child has a sad face.
The mother thought it was very strange, so she asked the child why she was unhappy, but she didn't expect the child's answer to surprise her:
"After becoming a class representative, the teacher always asked me to give lectures to my tablemates, which delayed my own study time too much. And if I teach my classmates, won't his grades surpass mine!"
When a child's world is limited to books and classrooms, and when a child's eyes only look up, the world in their eyes becomes smaller and narrower.
Recently, I read a book called "The American Bottom." The author, Arnard, is a Wall Street trader with a Ph.D. in physics. He lives in a mansion and his children attend expensive private schools.
He likened American society to a large classroom, believing that if you work hard enough, you can get good grades, get a good job, and become the elite of society, and then sit in the front row and become "front row people", while those who do not succeed because they do not work hard or are too stupid can only sit in the back row and become "back row people".
However, when he actually walked into the slum to observe the life of the "people in the back row", he found that the concept of life of the "people in the front row" was completely ineffective in the "people in the back row".
In the slums, helplessness and pain go hand in hand, and people seem to be firmly bound by the shackles of fate. Many times, no matter how hard you try, you can't really control your own destiny.
In the process, Arnad gradually let go of pride and prejudice, and began to realize that poverty and misery were not simply personal problems, but profound social problems.
It is precisely because we have seen different sides of the world that we can break the inherent cognitive shackles, so as to face life and the world with a more open and inclusive attitude.
Much of P.S. Arnad's observations of the lower classes in the United States are conducted at McDonald's, which, like the church, is the focus of the underclass. It was precisely because of reading his books that I, who usually never looked up at McDonald's and kept doing my own thing, spent a long time observing my surroundings.
There is also a book called "Silent Child", which I also flipped for Dabao after reading it.
This book records the survival difficulties faced by urban and rural children, such as those left behind, relocated, out of school, single parents, orphans, and serious diseases.
Dabao was amazed that so many children were living such a difficult life, and it took a while for him to say, "No wonder they are silent."
Yes, life is not always as simple and beautiful as fairy tales, so we need to encourage children to get out of the classroom and get in touch with the real world and feel the vastness and diversity of this world.
As Mr. Tao Xingzhi, a famous educator, once said in the article "New Mass Education Movement" nearly 100 years ago:
Our education is not limited to the form of a campus. Anything that is inhabited or congregate is actually a school, because true education comes from the collision of life.
Thus, our schools can be in courtyards, pavilions, streets, shops, village temples, and barracks. The whole society is our school, and the whole life is our curriculum.
Don't just watch, connect
How can we make children feel the diversity of the real world?
You can do this by reading non-fiction books, such as The American Bottom and The Silent Child, which I just mentioned.
By watching documentaries, such as "The Eighteen-Year-Old Assembly Line", which I recommended to everyone before.
Or experience the various states of life in movie stories, such as watching works such as "I Am Not the God of Medicine" and "Slumdog Millionaire".
However, just through books and documentaries, the world that children see is still elevated, deconstructed and reconstructed by others (there are still differences with the real world), and the experiences and feelings obtained are still indirect, and it is difficult for children to empathize.
We should still push more to help children establish a real connection with society, so that they can truly integrate into it, really listen, really see, and really feel.
For example, participate in more practical activities and conduct more social observations.
Some time ago, Dabao participated in the activities of the board dental examination camp in Xishuangbanna and Weizhou Island.
He flew to Weizhou Island on his own, and when he came back, I asked him what impressed him the most during the trip.
I thought he would talk about local specialties or beautiful scenery, but I didn't expect him to say that he was going to the market to sell bananas.
It turned out that their activities on Weizhou Island included the link of "selling bananas".
Dabao and the other children had to chop their own bananas, pack them into boxes, transport them to the market, write their own advertising slogans, make signs, and sell them.
I asked him, is it impressed because you sell the most and have a sense of accomplishment?
Dabao said, no, it's because I finally know why you keep saying it's hard to make money. At that time, no matter how hard we shouted, many people didn't pay attention to us at all, and some people stared at us, which was really uncomfortable.
He found that not everyone would be as enthusiastic as parents and teachers. This experience unveiled a small corner of the greenhouse we built for him, and made him feel a cool breeze blowing in from the outside world.
It's not a bad thing, on the contrary, I find the experience very precious.
In this process, we don't need to tell the child what the standard answer is, just let him discover and summarize it by himself.
It is only through continuous personal participation that he can constantly think about how to deal with it and slowly form a correct and effective way to deal with it.
Of course, taking children to see the world doesn't necessarily have to travel thousands of miles.
Sometimes you don't have to go far, maybe at a nearby wet market, park, etc.
Just let your child take some time to quietly look at what's going on in the world around them, and you'll gain a lot of insights.
Cai Lan, known as "one of Hong Kong's four talents" and "God of Food", answers questions from netizens on Weibo every year, and the answer that appears most frequently is "McDonald's".
In fact, it's not that Cai Lan loves McDonald's (he hasn't even eaten it), he just wants to say that all kinds of people can be seen at McDonald's.
After seeing the various states of the world, we can have a deeper understanding of the diversity and complexity of life, and can we better cherish the present.
People with temperature, go further
Some students may think that my previous thoughts are too emotional.
People must first "be good to themselves" in order to "help the world", children usually can't keep up with their basic learning, how can they have the effort to engage in these "shows"?
But what if these "shows" can better allow children to "stay alone", learn and grow better?
As we all know, basic education in the United States started later than China, and the knowledge learned is shallower, and domestic basic education is more dominant.
But in high school and college, whether it is children's autonomy, concentration, or learning effect, it seems that China is slightly inferior.
Why is this happening?
In a conversation with a friend, she said that this has something to do with the fact that foreign schools attach importance to social practice and require children to be concerned about the outside world.
When looking through the literature, I also saw that some domestic scholars believe that the main reason for this difference is that early education in the United States attaches great importance to the cultivation of children's "social emotion competence".
Social-emotional competence refers to the social communication, emotional regulation, and cognitive development skills and behaviors that a person needs to successfully adapt to society, and mainly includes five contents: personal self-awareness, self-management, social cognition, social skills, and responsible decision-making.
With this ability, children will no longer judge and scrutinize the world, but will be able to feel more fully and more truly in society.
With this ability, children can really open their eyes and minds, and their cognition of society will be more comprehensive, and they will not become "diodes", but will initially form the ability to think complexly, and begin to explore the real problems behind the phenomenon.
This kind of inquiry stimulates their intrinsic motivation to contribute to society and change problems, driving them to be more engaged in long-term, purposeful learning.
This is actually the same reason as problem-based learning (PBL), which is widely practiced now, but "discovering social problems-learning-solving social problems" will be a longer and more macro process.
A hundred years ago, Mr. Tao Xingzhi proposed that "what cannot solve the problem is not true education" and "what escapes reality is not true education".
Therefore, children must have the ability to face the real society and solve problems with actions.
When they grow up, "what problems they can solve" determines whether they can stand in society and have a place in society.
If they don't even see the problem, they won't be able to find and solve it.
In the article "Moral and Religious Education in China", Mr. Tao Xingzhi also said:
"In all cases, the psychological characteristics of the child must be recognized, social significance must be taken into account, and opportunities for practical participation must be provided. Children must be introduced to society and to the needs of society — poverty, disease and suffering — according to the characteristics of each stage of their development......
In short, they must be placed in a social hotbed of fraternity, service, and sacrifice, and they must be taught to give spontaneously to love, participate in social service, and self-sacrifice. ”
"Spontaneous giving", "participating in social services" and "self-sacrifice" seem to be very disadvantaged behaviors, but in fact, these behaviors bring children far more gains than they give.
A professor at the Wharton School has proposed a "pyramid of success" theory, which believes that there are three types of people in the world: giver, taker, and matcher.
Giver is more giving than taking, and is known as a "giver"; Taker is a person who only knows how to take but does not know how to give, and is called a "spiritual poor"; Matcher sees the wind and rudder, and is known as the "refined egoist".
In the short term, takers and matchers may be able to take the lead for a while with careful thinking, while givers will always suffer and be at the bottom of the success pyramid.
But the study found that in the long run, the giver with great love in the three types of people will achieve higher achievements, gain more happiness, be more respected and loved, and eventually stand at the top of the pyramid.
Finally, I want our children to be a warm giver.
The first step is to show them the real world.
Dabao goes to class every Wednesday night, and he eats McDonald's almost all when he is in a hurry, but every time he orders food in advance, gets it and leaves when he arrives. After class on Wednesday, we didn't rush home, so I took him to the McDonald's store for a while. Almost 9 o'clock, McDonald's is still a lot of people, but there is no longer the liveliness of the day, and it is a lot quieter. We saw the middle-aged man who looked like a homeless man and the old man who picked up leftovers.
I don't know what Dabao was thinking, he had always been talkative, but he was silent.
I didn't have a similar big reason to him nagging "cherish the happy life now", and this was not the main purpose of bringing him here, I just wanted him to open his eyes and see the real world.
The lessons and homework that children have to do are far more than just in school.
Article source丨This article is transferred from "mom to see the world", ID: xyzmom, science education, natural parenting. Here, raising a baby is not only a science, but also a natural art.
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