"You go away, I don't want to talk to you. ”
This sentence came from the mouth of a 16-year-old boy in Jiangxi Province who ran away from home for nine days, and the "you" in his words refers to his mother.
The little boy's name is Lee Jung-woo, and he was expelled from school for poor school performance.
Mom hated that iron could not become steel, and on the way back to pick him up, she couldn't help but say a few words to him. Lee Jung-woo, who was in a bad mood, was so angry that he retorted to his mother, and the two had an argument.
So, when passing through an intersection, Li Zhengyu quickened his pace, left his mother behind, and disappeared.
The family tried all kinds of ways to find it, and even called the police, but they still couldn't find the child, and the mother was so anxious that she cried many times.
Nine days later, the teacher found him in the school's locker.
It turned out that these days, he was hiding in the junior high school he had attended. When he was hungry, he sneaked into the classroom to get a small snack to satisfy his hunger, and when he was sleepy, he slept in the storage room with his clothes on the spot.
What makes netizens even more incomprehensible is that even if he is found, he does not want to return to his warm home, preferring to starve and freeze outside, and the reason is that he does not want to stay with his mother.
It was obviously the child who made a mistake, and the mother criticized a few words for the sake of the child's good, why did it get to the point of turning against each other?
Could it be that when a child makes a mistake, the parents can't even say a word?
In fact, it is not the criticism that is wrong, but the way of criticism is wrong.
When a child makes a mistake, the different ways of criticism of parents determine the child's completely different life in the future.
Many parents around me have complained that they don't know what to do after their children make mistakes: they don't criticize, worrying that their children don't know what they have done wrong, and criticizing them are worried that their children will rebel and even do things that hurt themselves.
The reason for this dilemma is probably that criticism has become a form of verbal violence in the unconscious.
"I've lost my face to you, and if I were you, I'd be embarrassed to see someone. ”
"If you do this again, I won't want you anymore!"
"Why are you so disobedient, dogs are better behaved than you!"
Many parents, when educating their children, can't help but say the above hurtful words.
In the eyes of parents, this is not intentional, just a momentary angry talk, which is intended for the good of the child.
But the child doesn't think like this, he just feels that his parents no longer love him, and he is very useless, so he will break the jar and break it.
In American educational circles, criticism is defined as constructive feedback, which means "constructive feedback."
The original intention of criticism is to let children recognize the mistakes in their own behavior and use constructive words to guide children to correct their mistakes.
So what is the right criticism?
The educator Makarenko once said:
"Criticism is not only a means, but also an art and a kind of wisdom. ”
Smart parents, when criticizing their children, will follow these 4 principles.
1. Don't criticize your child in public
Last weekend, I took my son to the playground to play, and I happened to see such a scene:
A mother yelled at her child: "What are you crying for, don't you be ashamed to lose face! I walk without looking at the road, and now I am embarrassed to cry there when I fall." ”
The child was told sad by his mother, not only cried more and more fiercely, but also began to beat his mother, and the parent-child war was about to break out.
No one wants to be criticized in public, not even children. Because they are small, they also have their own self-esteem. When their self-esteem is hurt, they will rebel against their parents regardless of it, and they will listen to the reason.
Good parents will pull their children aside when they make mistakes, and then have a gentle one-on-one communication.
2. Criticize the child without emotion
When a child is in trouble, parents will inevitably have negative emotions.
However, when people are emotionally "up", they are prone to say some hurtful words and make some radical behaviors. This is not only not conducive to guiding children to correct their mistakes, but also hurts children and causes them serious psychological shadows.
Writer Ernest Hemingway, who has always been known as a "tough guy in the literary world", ended his life at home with a shotgun due to depression at the age of 61.
The occurrence of this tragedy has a lot to do with his mother.
His mother, Grace, was an artist, but she had a fickle temper and disciplined him very strictly. As soon as he did the slightest mistake, his mother would be furious and beat and scold him. Over time, he began to dislike himself extremely, and his heart was very fragile and sensitive. Even when he grew up, the damage caused by his mother still haunted him like a nightmare.
As a result, he suffered from severe depression.
Next time, when your child is doing something wrong, please deal with your emotions first and then educate your child.
If you don't know how to deal with emotions, try the "rules of avoidance":
Stay away from your children and find a place where you are comfortable for a while to distract yourself. Wait until you are calm, and then sit down calmly and have a good chat with your child.
3. Don't label your child
American psychologist Beccel believes: "Once people are labeled with a certain label, they become the person marked by the label." "This phenomenon is known as the label effect.
The label effect is also very common in parent-child education, do you have a familiar feeling of the following scenes?
The child cries at every turn, and you say that he is a "crybaby", but he becomes more crying, and the child is playful by nature and always causes trouble, and you call him a "troublemaker", and as a result, he becomes more naughty.
"Crybaby" and "trickster" are the negative labels that parents put on their children, making him feel useless and lose the motivation to get better. Conversely, if we were to take it another way, replacing the label with encouragement, the outcome would be completely different.
I have a friend who is very introverted, and his son is more timid and slow to follow him, and when he encounters a crowded place, he will hide behind his family. He didn't not force him to fit into the group like other parents, but he didn't label him as a "timid and introvert".
Instead, I will hold his hand first and accompany him to watch everyone play quietly. Wait for your son to show interest, and then slowly pull him to join everyone. After his son finished playing with everyone, he withdrew little by little and stood not far away watching.
At the end of each time, he will praise the child with a specific example: This time you took the initiative to talk to your sister, your performance is much better than last time, you are so amazing!
Gradually, the child became less afraid of life, and when he saw other children playing, he would take the initiative to run over and say that he wanted to join them.
Good parents will give their children the power to change with words of encouragement when they make mistakes, instead of hitting him with negative words.
4. Give feasible suggestions
Sometimes, a child makes mistakes because he doesn't know what is the right thing to do.
Therefore, criticism is not only to tell them what they are doing wrong, but also to let them know what is right.
Like what:
The drink fell to the floor and stained the floor, and we could wipe it clean with a rag;
If we accidentally bump into a child and the child cries, we need to apologize sincerely;
The toy was accidentally broken and we were reluctant to save up to buy another one.
Children will only grow up gradually in the process of making mistakes and correcting mistakes. In this process, we should be "guiding lights", not "roadblocks".
Criticism is something that must be experienced for every child's development. But how they grow faster through criticism depends on how their parents criticize them.
I hope that every parent can make good use of every opportunity to criticize and escort the growth of their children.
Author: Wait for the wind to come
A working mother of two children, holding a pen in her left hand and a baby in her right hand, she likes to read, write, and paint, and firmly believes that even if she lives in a chicken feather, she must have her own poetry and distance in her heart.
(The picture comes from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact to delete)