The first year of giving birth is a period of high incidence of divorce

Be a person who loves to learn and is willing to grow with me

It takes about 8 minutes to read this article

Text/Yan Lingyang

Netizen private message (followed by fat sheep reply):

Teacher Yangyang, I was originally a little transparent who paid attention to silently. I usually see you answer some netizens' confusion. I want to tell you about me today. It can be made anonymous.

My husband works here in Guangzhou, and I am in Foshan. Because I am pregnant and have to commute, we chose to live close to Foshan, which caused my husband to commute for more than two hours every day.

He has always been a little resentful about this, because he goes out very early every day and comes back late.

In June of last year, I had a baby. During the confinement, because the child was not feeling well, I was a little panicked because I was a new mother, so I often wanted him to take the child to the hospital with me.

We also had a quarrel because of this, very fierce. Later, because of taking care of the children, this quarrel will not be resolved.

We discussed asking my mother-in-law to help take care of the children. My mother-in-law also lived with us a month before we gave birth. When I gave birth, I lived in the hospital in Foshan, and because it was a caesarean section, I stayed in the hospital for about five days.

During this period, my father-in-law and mother-in-law didn't care a word, and they didn't give red envelopes to the children, so I felt very uncomfortable because I felt that I and the children seemed to be a little unimportant.

Originally, we wanted my mother-in-law to help take care of the children, but since I was discharged from the hospital, I have basically taken care of the children, and my mother-in-law rarely comes to ask, so I cook and bathe the children every day.

I do all the other work of taking care of the children. Two months before my vacation, my mother-in-law didn't know how to breastfeed, bubble or change diapers at all (and taught me countless times), which made me very anxious that my children would not be well taken care of when I returned to work.

Because of these things, I was very unhappy with my mother-in-law. Later, it could be depression or something, often breaking down at night and going crazy. When my parents found out, they discussed it together and asked my mother to help take care of the children.

During the confinement period, because my mother-in-law is from Jiangxi and I am from Guangdong, our tastes are also very different, so I didn't eat well. My mother-in-law can cook very few Cantonese dishes, and I am a little unhappy. During this period, there were several conflicts because of this.

To sum up, I have a great opinion of my mother-in-law, and I had a direct conflict with him later, and there was a physical conflict.

Because of the poor relationship between my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the relationship between me and my husband is also very poor. A lot of things that I can't vent in front of my mother-in-law are vented on my husband, which causes me and my husband to quarrel a lot.

Now my husband thinks I don't want to live a good life and scolds him all the time, but I don't know what I've done wrong.

I'm also an ordinary office worker, and the money I earn every month is also spent on household expenses, so I don't know what I did wrong to run my family so badly.

I also want to get divorced now, because every few days I have to quarrel and fight, and I don't want to continue.

Fat Sheep replied:

Your private message reminds me of a sentence: The first year of giving birth to a child is a period of high incidence of divorce.

I think there's some truth to that. People who have never had children will never understand why the arrival of a new life can make a family suffer such a big challenge, but, really, if you are just an ordinary salaryman, you can just try to have a child.

One more child, not just one child, but also countless derived trivialities, and each of them is very time-consuming, energy-eating, and money-eating, plus everyone has to adapt to the role change, and the complaints, accusations, and conflicts between family members have gradually increased.

Many people's marriages often don't last the first year of having children, including me. Some people have to go through a very big thing before they can change, while some people only need to have a child.

Your situation, I think you may not have fully explained the truth, you only said that you quarreled but did not explain the details of the quarrel.

I think you may be affected by pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and other relationships, mood swings are relatively large (this is normal, I was like this at that time, the body's hormones change quickly, many people can't control themselves), and your relationship with your mother-in-law and husband is strained, which exacerbates this symptom.

The reason may be that you didn't do a good job of running in before you got pregnant, so you had this baby in a hurry. They can't understand you, and you can't be lenient enough to live in harmony with them.

And do you think the issues you are arguing about are issues of principle? I don't think they count.

Your husband commutes for two hours a day, and although he complains, he hasn't changed his mind. As a new mother, you are more nervous about the child's situation, and you have to go to the hospital as soon as there is a disturbance, although you quarrel about it, I guess he still went. You are dissatisfied with your mother-in-law, but your mother-in-law is still helping you take care of the children.

From the perspective of your husband and your mother-in-law, this story will be another version. For example, they also have a lot of bitter water that they want to pour, saying that they have done so much with you, but you are still not satisfied.

If you think about it carefully, do you complain about these things about your mother-in-law, such as she can't cook Cantonese food, she doesn't give red envelopes to her children, and the way she takes care of her children is not so correct, is it a big problem of principle?

The child is shared by you and your husband, and neither your mother-in-law nor your mother have the obligation to help you take care of the child. Now that your mother-in-law is here, she is actually helping her son take on the childcare responsibilities, and you are not paying her, so you shouldn't be as critical as a nanny.

My mother-in-law left her hometown and came to you, looking at your face every day, watching you always quarrel with your own son, I'm afraid it's not a good feeling in my heart, right?

Take the question of whether to care for you during the confinement period and give your children red envelopes, each mother-in-law behaves differently, maybe she is more big-hearted, doesn't know how to express or doesn't understand the etiquette of your family.

You can't imagine what a "perfect mother-in-law" looks like in your head, and when you find out that your mother-in-law doesn't meet this standard, you immediately get angry.

The first child, the mother is always very precious and takes care of it very carefully, but how many more do you try?

There is a saying that "the first child is raised according to the book, and the second child is raised according to the pig", if you don't have a second or third child, maybe you don't care about how your mother-in-law feeds milk powder and how to change diapers, and you can do it with one eye open and one eye closed - as long as she doesn't make the child sick, you are all so-called.

Because when you have a second or third child, you will find that you are older, your physical strength is not good, and your energy is even weaker, so you can accept that "it's almost enough".

As for your husband, I personally don't think he has a big problem right now. You don't want to imagine a "perfect husband mold", and then, according to this mold to benchmark your husband, so that he is miserable, and you are also miserable.

Think to yourself, are you not that perfect? Are they already trying their best to endure you?

Take advantage of the moment, hurry up to adjust your mood and save your marriage, not to mention that you don't have much capital for divorce at the moment.

Divorce is never a cool thing to do, it's just the lesser of two evils option.

It is more difficult for anyone to raise children independently after divorce than for both husband and wife to work together to build a family and raise children, so on the premise that everything is still salvable, I still hope that you can try to save it.

It is recommended that you talk to your husband about it, mainly to talk about how to solve these problems at present, rather than blindly discovering emotions.

You can tell your husband from a scientific and medical point of view that during the period of pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum, the hormones in women's bodies change drastically, and new mothers are prone to nervousness and mood swings....... You hope that he and your mother-in-law will be a little more caring and considerate of you, so that you can get through this time safely.

You can tell your mother-in-law that you thank her for leaving her hometown and coming to your city to take care of you in confinement and help you and your husband take care of the children (in fact, he is helping his own son, and whoever his son marries, she will come to take care of the children).

You are the child's mother, you need a mother-in-law, then the pattern is bigger, learn to "use the mother-in-law", instead of being angry with the mother-in-law. That generation has the limitations of that generation, and the non-principled issues of "turning a blind eye" will pass.

At the same time, it is recommended that you adjust your mindset and not be so delicate in parenting. No matter how your mother-in-law is, won't she bring up your husband?

If your husband and mother-in-law have not done enough in the process of raising children, you can make up for it, but give less orders and blame and complain. Think about it, don't you have such high requirements for nannies? And people still have to get paid.

The common appeal of you, your mother-in-law and husband is to hope that your children will be well, so you should grasp this grasp, this common interest appeal, just like China established the anti-Japanese national united front in the past, establish a united front for family and child-rearing, and unite all the forces that can be united to serve this goal, instead of engaging in internal strife and separatism.

It's like feeding milk powder and changing diapers, whether it's done finely or not, is it important? If you don't do it finely, the sky won't fall.

However, if for these little things, the family atmosphere is smoky and everyone is physically and mentally exhausted, then the gains outweigh the losses.

The family atmosphere is not more valuable than how you feed milk powder and change diapers, and the impact of a bad family atmosphere on children is not greater than that of feeding milk powder and changing diapers?

People, you can't take advantage of the benefits and ask others to provide you with high emotional value. This is really too greedy, and there will be no such good thing in the world.

You've taken advantage of your commute time, so learn to sweeten your mouth and make your husband feel that it's worth it for him to run back and forth for two hours a day.

You have already occupied the convenience of your mother-in-law helping you do housework and taking care of your children for free, so you can also sweeten your mouth, and if you do well, you can quickly give a little red flower.

A smart woman also competes for profit and not in the family - unless the other party has gone too far....... It's really a need to show your backbone.

Learn to manage yourself and your family...... You are the real mistress of this family, so that you can set a good example for your children.

Come on, sister.

End of full text

Feel free to share or retweet

This is the best encouragement

--END--

Author: Yan Lingyang, born in the 80s, emotional columnist, author of new feminism, member of the Chinese Writers Association. He is the author of the best-selling books "Those That Make You Miserable, One Day You Will Say It with a Smile", "May You Let Go of the Past and Be Worthy of the Future", "May You Have a Journey and a Way Out", "I'm Divorced", "With Your Rivers and Lakes Are Not Lonely - An Alternative Interpretation of Jin Yong's Martial Arts Novels" and the children's picture book "Mom's House, Dad's House". With 13 years of experience in financial industry (management), he is currently the founder of a cultural information consulting company in Guangzhou and the co-founder of a cultural media company. Born in Lijiang, Yunnan Province, he now lives in Guangzhou.

Welcome to pay attention to the WeChat public account: Yan Ling Yang Weibo: Yan Ling Yang