Some people are partially mentally prepared for betrayal, such as this person becoming more and more cold and inactive in the relationship, your emotional experience is getting worse and worse, and it seems that there is no other person in your life, etc..... Although the betrayal in this case is painful, it is still the pain of vaccination.
For example, the partner has been playing the role of "model husband" and "good father" at home, and he has also shown kindness and warmth in daily life, and he is very attentive to various affairs at home, leaving no signs of betrayal at all.
Many people are very puzzled: why would a person who usually behaves so well betray betrayal? If he chooses to betray, why does he have to spend so much time and energy to care for a family that he is not really invested in? Or can a man really love many people at the same time, and love his original partner at the same time while betraying?
Actually, these questions are not complicated, you only need to figure out one thing, and that is:
Being good to you is not necessarily for your good, distinguishing between the good that others give you and the good you want is the problem you need to solve urgently.
The difference between good and good is huge:
Some men are good to their wives and "control you" in the name of "being good to you". You will feel that his kindness to you is conditional, and you need to be obedient and obedient before he is willing to take the initiative to continue this goodness.
Some men are good to their wives and "suppress you" in the name of "being good to you". You will feel that his kindness to you always has some ostentatious and didactic meaning, and it seems that only your stupidity and weakness can reflect his intelligence and strength.
Some men are good to their wives and "ignore you" in the name of "being good to you". You will feel that his kindness to you is businesslike and lacks emotional flow, and once you want him to respond to some of your deeper emotional needs, he will retreat tactically and make you have to comfort yourself that he is good to me anyway, maybe he is such a person who does not understand the amorous feelings.
Some men are good to their wives and "run away from you" in the name of "being good to you". You will feel that his kindness to you is with some "desire to survive" attributes, in order to make you as little as possible not to trouble him, he is willing to meet all your requirements, even if some of the requirements are actually impersonal to you.
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The starting point of any of the above "good for you" is not to "be good for you", but to use "good for you" as a means to meet your own needs and relieve your anxiety.
What kind of good is it that is really good for you?
Fromm has already brilliantly stated in The Art of Love: love is not a passive feeling, but an active choice and behavior. It requires us to be open to ourselves and others in order to understand and meet each other's needs. True love is a positive, conscious act that is based on mutual respect, responsibility, and freedom.
Fromm highlights two key elements in love: care and responsibility.
Caring refers to the attention, care, and respect for the other person. Responsibility refers to the willingness to take responsibility for meeting the needs of the other person and caring for the other person. This responsibility is not based on pressure or a sense of obligation, but on voluntary and free will.
If you are currently in the pain of being cheated on and wonder why your husband who used to be nice to me cheats on me, even if he has cheated on me but is still good to me. You might as well combine what I shared earlier, and then go back and sort out the experience:
Which kind of good was he to you before cheating?
After cheating, what kind of good is his kindness to you?
At the same time, you can also think about it the other way around:
Which kind of good were you good to him before cheating?
After cheating, what kind of good can you attribute to him?
If you want a man to be loyal because he is good to you, then only "good for you" can achieve your expectations.
Unfortunately, the problem of cheating in most marital relationships, whether it is a man's obsession with a third party, or a woman's resentment and obsession with her husband, can basically be boiled down to five words - I haven't eaten good!
Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, you have only experienced the love and care that is passive, and others are above your will, and have never experienced the love and freedom that is active, based on your own feelings and needs.
Passive people tend to be more superstitious about the power of power, and are accustomed to evading responsibility and abusing freedom. That's why many seemingly harmonious marriages also suffer from betrayal, and many couples are caught in the whirlpool of power struggles in intimate relationships, even if they want to repair their relationship and rebuild trust.
In the process of dealing with cheating cases, we have found countless times that in most cases, it is not how difficult the problem itself is, but how to make the person have the ability to see and understand his own predicament, and the courage to face and deal with his own predicament.
Many people actually lack a kind of self-awareness in the relationship, to put it more colloquially, that is, it is easy to be led by the other person's nose and live according to the other person's goals and needs.
Some people always like to say that their partner is very good to them, but when they ask what is good, they can only say something like "say a lot of sweet words to me every day", "buy me a lot of gifts, create all kinds of surprises", "give me the money", and some of the "exemplary indicators" that social platforms like to advocate on social platforms to judge men.
The perception that xxx is good to me is deeply engraved in many people's thinking patterns, so that when betrayal comes, they will always behave in disbelief, why would a man who is so in line with the public sense of "being good to me" betray me? They would even rather believe that men can give two sincerity at the same time, rather than have half a bit of hesitation about the good that men give.
In fact, there is a big gap between the good man of you, the good man index judged by the public and the good you need, when you don't have a little subjectivity, it is easy to get into the logic system of others, even if you encounter betrayal, you can't figure out where the problem is.
If you want to get rid of the inertial logic that is easy to get caught up in the framework of others, you must learn to look at problems from a different perspective.
From a man's point of view, there may be the following reasons:
01 Don't want to face and deal with your negative emotions
It is precisely because of the lack of self-awareness that many women are prone to think of the standard of "being good to me" in the process of getting along with their partners.
Then you will find that all the externalized and speakable standards of "good for me" basically cannot escape the following three aspects:
1. Men must be generous enough to me financially;
2. Men must be submissive enough to me in attitude;
3. Men must be emotionally anxious about what they are anxious about and worry about what they are worried about.
In many cases of cheating, the relationship between husband and wife has always been like this, once the man does not meet the standards that these women think is right, the wife will use tantrums, reasoning, sulking and other ways to pressure the man. If it happens that this man is particularly afraid of conflict and negative emotions because of the influence of his family of origin, then he is willing to pay an unimaginable price in order not to have to face your negative emotions.
Therefore, many couples live a good life, and the motivation behind the man's goodness to his wife has also quietly changed. At first, I spoiled you and let you because I loved you, but as time went by, it slowly became that I had to spoil you and let you all the time because I was afraid of you.
This kind of "good to you" has essentially gone out of the category of love and warmth, and has become a survival challenge that constantly squeezes children.
When your relationship falls into a one-way cycle of giving and taking, whether you will cheat is just a matter of probability, because what you think is good to you is just a means for him to protect himself, and it has long been unable to deepen feelings and maintain loyalty.
02I don't want to spend time and energy on managing relationships
Many times we take it for granted that being good to someone requires sacrificing ourselves and giving a lot of things, but in some marriage relationships where there is a huge disparity in power relations, sometimes it is easier to be good to you than to be bad to you.
When two people establish a relationship, contradictions and conflicts are inevitable, especially when the origin of many conflicts happens to be that the cognition and needs of both of you have changed at this stage, so communicate with each other and spend energy together to resolve the new problems that arise along the way in order to make your relationship last for a long time in a comfortable state.
But for some men, they will feel that this process of coordinating with you, communicating and then changing takes up a huge amount of his time and energy, and he is not willing to do such things. Then he will choose some ways that seem to be good for you, but actually save time and effort, so that these problems can pass quickly. For example, when you have a quarrel, he actively admits his mistakes, buys things to compensate you, or takes the initiative to do something to make you happy, on the surface, he always seems to take on the role of the lower person in the relationship, and is treating you well by making concessions, but in fact all this is just a perfunctory attempt by him to avoid trouble.
So what you think is good for you is probably just a low-cost compensation he makes to save the energy of maintaining the relationship, and it has nothing to do with whether or not he can remain loyal to you.
Many people naturally feel that they should be the one who enjoys the benefits when they hear the words "good to you", but in fact, many times, the person who is good to you is the one who really holds the initiative in the relationship, because he is the person who really understands his needs and feelings to a large extent, and his good is completely controlled by himself, which can be withdrawn at any time and can be precisely controlled.
So you see, whether you've been on the strong side or the weak side of a relationship, you may not be able to tell what exactly is called "good for you". Only when you truly have the ability to be aware of your own feelings and needs can you recognize whether a man's kindness to you is based on his own desires or your needs.
You can never ask your partner for needs that you are not even aware of, let alone expect him to respond to non-verbal needs in a proactive and precise manner.
Now that the betrayal has happened, whether "his good" is rare or not, the most important thing is that you need to have the ability to see and understand your own predicament, and the courage to face and deal with your own predicament.
So, how do you define your needs? You can try the following two methods:
01 Draw your attention inward and speculate less about others
Many betrayed people always like to put all their attention on the betrayer, analyze the other party's behavioral motives from various details, and even try to speculate on the other party's psychology, and take the initiative to cater to the other party and meet the needs of the other party, which is actually weakening their own feelings and substituting themselves into the other party's thinking framework.
When you're always thinking about other people's things, you will naturally drift further and further away from your own feelings and needs. A person can never reach the heart of another person, but we reach ourselves all the time, as the first person responsible for yourself, you should first focus on your own feelings and not others, you should first meet your own needs rather than betrayers.
Ask yourself how you feel about things, and you'll become more and more aware of what you want.
02Establish a feedback loop based on facts, not brain supplements
The reason why many women are unable to face the betrayal of their partners is largely because they are trapped by all kinds of catastrophic imaginations made up by their brains.
Although we often tell people to prepare for the worst, it doesn't mean that we have to deal with the strongest anxiety in everything. Great anxiety will lead to great panic in our hearts, and our judgment of the current situation and future trends will be distorted, and finally you will completely lose the ability to make decisions and act.
You can try to practice how to distinguish between facts and brain supplements, and many times what we think of as facts is actually facts that have been processed by brain supplements.
For example, when you think he is so good but you can't understand that he cheats, you can try to ask a few questions: What kind of good is he good for me? What kind of good is what kind of good I need? Is his good for me the kind of good I need?
For example, when you think that his kindness to you is indeed the good you need, you may not be able to understand it, you can also try to ask a few more questions: Is his kindness to me voluntary? Does his kindness to me also make him feel better? What does he think of me being good to him?
In short, the process of continuous questioning is the process of constantly concretizing facts, and only real reality can be concretized, the reality of brain supplement will be slowly screened out, and you can slowly establish a feedback loop based on facts rather than brain supplement.
To put it bluntly, there may be many reasons why a man is good to you, and the person who is good to you is not necessarily for your good, even if it is for your good, this good is defined by yourself after all, if it is not something you really need, then this good is actually meaningless.
Whether or not it is good for you to make a decision on whether it should be forgiven is equivalent to taking someone else's logical system to deal with your own life issues, whether others are good to you or not is someone else's business after all, and what you really need to consider is whether I need this good, what kind of price I am willing to bear for it, etc.
When you have established your own subjectivity and learned to value your own feelings and needs, you will no longer be obsessed with analyzing and reasoning about the good and bad of a betrayer for you.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
Infringement must be investigated!