Source: China Women's Daily
■ All-media reporter of China Women's Daily, Chen Ruokui
In recent years, with the promulgation and implementation of a series of laws and regulations such as the Law on the Promotion of Family Education and the Law on the Protection of Minors, more and more attention has been paid to building a harmonious parent-child relationship in the family. "Stick education" was spurned, and the concept of "being friends with children" was gradually recognized by some parents. They want to establish the ideal perfect friend-like parent-child relationship with their children, that is, father and son like brothers, mother and daughter like sisters. However, will parents' friend-like education and relaxed attitude towards their children lead to children becoming lazy and difficult to teach?
According to Qian Zhiliang, an associate professor at the School of Education of Beijing Normal University, "Parents are parents, children are children, and this will not change until children are sixty or seventy years old." The division of roles dooms parents to be unable to become true friends with their children. Friends have no responsibility and no way to instill behavioral norms and bottom-line education in their children, but parents do. Once parents abandon their roles and responsibilities, education can also become difficult. ”
Establish rules early to fulfill parental duties
There are no rules. Some parents uphold the concept of being friends with their children, and usually discuss everything with their children, especially for children, parents are more obedient in many trivial matters of life, and even "herd sheep". For some bad behavior habits of children, I always think that it will be good when he grows up. In this way, children are happy, adults are relaxed, and parents and children are happy. However, as the child grows older, parents find that many of the problems in the child do not gradually improve because they grow up, and it is not easy to discipline them.
Raising a child is not decided after consulting with the child. The duties of parents include "teaching" and "raising", which requires the authority of parents. Truly authoritative parents base discipline on love, and they protect their children in a principled manner and are good guides for them. Qian Zhiliang said: "Many times, we can't understand and respect children's choices like our friends. On the contrary, we also need to show the bottom line to our children. More often than not, principled questions of what children can and cannot do are not negotiable. Parents' restrictions on children are a kind of protection, which can help children learn to restrain their desires, be more self-disciplined, and get along better with the world, which is one of the most important responsibilities in the process of parenting. In this sense, it is necessary to establish rules. "Children are in awe and follow the rules in order to keep the boundaries of behavior. ”
Qian Zhiliang said that a good parent-child relationship is that each other can fulfill their responsibilities as parents and children. Parents should set some rules before the child is 12 years old, that is, before the three views are established, so that the child knows what obedience and what it means to comply, and firmly say "no" to its bad behavior, and supervise the child to develop good habits.
Li Meijin, a professor at the Chinese People's Public Security University, also stressed the need to establish rules for children as soon as possible, believing that before the age of 6 is the golden period for children to form a sense of order, and what parents say at this time is "golden treasure sentences".
From the perspective of human physiological and psychological development, brain development comes first, and independent consciousness comes later. Early childhood is the embryonic period of self-consciousness and the critical period of character formation, when children have not yet formed their own value system, and the words of parents are like "holy will" for children. Parents should set standards for their children's behavior, establish a sense of rules, and consolidate them in their daily lives before their sense of independence increases. In this way, children can naturally accept the rules, regulate their emotional reactions well, and not deviate in their future lives.
To set rules for children, parents should focus on several aspects: first, know how to be polite, respect the old and love the young, others care for themselves and know how to be grateful, do not touch other people's things casually, and do not interrupt others at will. The second is to learn table manners, a person's upbringing can be reflected from the dining table, tell the child, wait until the family is seated before using chopsticks, do not enjoy their favorite food or stir the dishes indiscriminately. The third is to live a regular life, go to bed early and get up early, eat three meals on time, go to kindergarten, go to school, and form a good work and rest. Fourth, knowing that mistakes can be changed, children make mistakes, should be punished, should apologize, let children learn to take responsibility. Fifth, parents can use the method of delaying the fulfillment of their children's wishes to train their children's endurance and self-management skills. Sixth, insist on sports, parents and children run every day, kick ball, swim and other forms of physical activities, and urge children to persevere.
Parents should make rules for their children to take into account their age and ability, and it is simple and easy, for example, asking children as young as three or four years old to dress and brush their teeth by themselves. At the same time, there are orders that must be followed, parents should lead by example, and the rules should be followed not only by the child, but by the whole family.
Qian Zhiliang said: "Only on the basis of rational obedience to the rules can parents become his friends." Don't be friends with your child at an age when you have rules. ”
A good parent-child relationship is one of mutual respect
There is still a long way to go before parents and children become friends. Among them, the most important is mutual respect, which is the basis of being friends, especially in the face of adolescent children.
During this period, children's physical development and emotional psychology undergo great changes, and most of them are very different from childhood in personality and behavior - the strong hormone secretion causes them to be impulsive, irritable, and irritable. At the same time, due to physiological factors, children always feel bored, confused, helpless, and unable to find a direction in life. In terms of behavior, children are eager to make their own decisions and want to make themselves different, their attachment to their parents is significantly weakened, they are resistant to their parents' teachings, and they want to get rid of their parents' control, and their relationship with their parents is gradually distancing. They are eager to find their companions and build their own circles.
For adolescent children, parental respect should be all-encompassing. Li Meijin believes that it is necessary to respect children's individuality and needs, and pay attention to cultivating their independence, autonomy, mental health and social adaptability. Respecting children's independence, parents give children a certain degree of autonomy, because children will only really consider the pros and cons of this matter when they make their own decisions, and learn how to think independently and solve problems. For example, after the child enters the second year of junior high school, parents can discuss the future career direction with them, provide several career options, analyze the pros and cons, let the child make his own decisions and allow trial and error, rather than "manage" roughly. Parents appropriately allow children to face setbacks, cultivate their courage to face difficulties, and teach their children some practical methods. Li Meijin said: "In the family, parents should communicate with their children on an equal footing like leaders, listen to their children's opinions and suggestions, let children feel their own value and responsibility, and learn to respect others. ”
Talking about the cultivation of children's independence and the establishment of a friend-like parent-child relationship, Qian Zhiliang said: "Parents should help their children become adults, and children can only achieve true independence when they are mentally mature. At the same time, parents should also grow themselves, give their children positive examples, provide valuable guidance, and win their children's love, trust and admiration with their words and deeds. In this way, parents and children can be considered to have mutual respect like friends, and this is usually after the child reaches puberty.
Wang Zhanjun, president of the Beijing China Relatives Federation Education Research Institute, also believes that if parents want to really enter their children's hearts and become their growing partners, they must first find the right way to get along with adolescent children, one of which is to change their own roles, ignore their children indifferently, and change from housekeepers to consultants. Fathers should have a bigger mind, a wider vision, and a more stable mood, and don't get entangled in small things. Mothers need to learn to let go and trust their children's abilities. It is the responsibility of parents to help their children control their boundaries and boundaries.
Organizer: China Women's Daily Copyright: China Women's Daily 2021 COPYRIGHT
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