Procrastination, lack of motivation, and easy to give up are all due to children's lack of motivation?

 What to watch In success stories, interest, motivation, and persistence are often cited as the keys to success. However, Jeff Hayden, a well-known columnist for American business media, pointed out that unlike many people's perception, motivation is not the "cause" of success, and success is not the "effect" of motivation. In the face of children's various situations, the key is how to move.

文丨linda 编丨Chelsea

Every time I mention my child's three-minute popularity, I always get a lot of empathetic responses in the parent group:

I applied for piano and painting for my child, but the child gave up halfway, but the parents persevered until they learned a few new skills;

Children are young, and they procrastinate when it comes to writing homework, and simple homework cannot be completed in one go;

The child was given a daily quantitative exercise, and as a result, the child became more and more perfunctory......

In the sharing of many success stories, interest, motivation, and persistence will be mentioned, but as soon as the eyes are on their own children, everything becomes difficult: why is it so difficult to persist even if it is something that is interesting?

And there has never been a lot of attention and research on motivation. Jeff Hayden, columnist, special editor, and speaker of the well-known American business media "Inc.", put forward a seemingly counterintuitive view in the book "Motivational Myths" - motivation is not the "cause" of success, and success is not the "effect" of motivation.

Motivational Myths

If you want to break the cycle of "three-minute heat" from the root and let children form a persistent habit, it is completely unreliable to rely on motivation and willpower, and you have to start from the law of self-drive.

"There must be motivation before action and success can be achieved"

is the biggest misunderstanding of motivation

At the beginning of the book, Jeff Hayden gets straight to the point by mentioning a common misconception about motivation:

Many people think that motivation is a special kind of "kickstarter", and that if you want to succeed in anything, you must have a strong enough motivation before you start. Only when there is a motive "cause" can there be a successful "effect".

"But in reality this is wrong. Jeff Hayden argues that motivation doesn't always exist at the outset, but rather emerges from ongoing actions and processes. In many cases, "getting moving" is more important than simply having motivation, and success is the "big" result of small victories one after another.

Kaito

He knows this himself. As a columnist, he has published seven million words and loves to write. But if he only relies on the motivation of love, he often paints like this:

Talking on the phone in the office, handling emails, reading "idle books", teasing cats, and thinking about the article to be written, "I haven't found the right tone of writing and the best way to process the material" to "convince" myself to prepare again.

The same happened to his favorite sport of cycling, especially in the first few kilometres in the cold wind, when his legs were stiff, his heart was pounding, he was out of breath, and he wondered why he had to ride this day...... But after he worked hard for a while, the satisfaction of stepping on the pedal every time, and the sense of accomplishment of finishing a paragraph every time, began to make those hardships tolerable and negligible, and also drove him to look forward to completing the next ride and paragraph.

"The key [to success] is that you enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes with small improvements and repeat the same process over and over again. "Motivation is not the only starting point for accomplishing something, but in the process of raising children, many times, parents and even teachers are still struggling with motivation.

Brown University professor Hillary Friedman has tracked how middle-class American families bring their children to competitive competition. She found that many student chess tournaments gradually stopped awarding trophies in order for young players to continue to participate in the competition, but set up prizes such as advanced chess sets and electronic products. Some parents also use snacks to motivate their children.

These rewards do attract a portion of the children to continue playing chess. But for Jeff Hayden, that motivation hits like a hammer, but after just a few hours or minutes, the enthusiasm fades. "This lightning-fast burst of motivation is like the high sugar effect, which feels beautiful at the moment, but it can't last long, and when the ecstasy subsides, the physical and mental feelings are actually worse. ”

And his words were fulfilled. Many children who are attracted by rewards gradually lose their minds to playing chess, but pay more and more attention to material rewards. Even later, some children are not even satisfied with food rewards such as snacks, and have to promise real money prizes.

There are also many parents who have a headache with the "three-minute heat", an important reason is that children can't continue to get satisfaction after the initial freshness has passed, and the motivation to lead the interest quickly fades.

A mother's daily life shared in the group has resonated with many parents:

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I want to learn to draw today and dance tomorrow, and I started to be interested, and I didn't have to go to two classes. The child is uncomfortable when he continues to attend class, and he feels sorry for the "sunk cost" when he withdraws from class.

Some time ago, the baby saw a classmate playing the drum and felt very handsome, saying that I wanted to sign up for a class to learn, I muttered in my heart, brother, there are still your idle roller skates and electronic pianos at home.

Dr. B.J. Fogg, founder of the Behavior Design Lab at Stanford University, also has an in-depth study of human behavior. He found that

Some one-time behaviors can be achieved by relying on strong motivations, such as a big cleaning and a renunciation;

But when it comes to continuous behaviors that involve forming habits, it is difficult to do it with motivation alone, especially for some self-improvement things.

Think about it, insisting on going to the gym will make many adults lose, not to mention children who stick to some interest classes or study for a long time.

As Jeff Hayden said, "Posters don't provide you with lasting motivation, progress gives you endless motivation." ”

Get rid of the temptation of "quick fixes".

Make continuous effort a habit

Jeff Hayden has shared his struggles with many successful people, and he has found a surprising common denominator - these people who eventually succeed will set goals for themselves, then concentrate on the effort, and then unexpectedly, they "forget" the goal!

"Of course, the goal is still there. But they are most concerned about the to-do list of the day, and when they are done, they will be happy for the day, and that sense of accomplishment will make them more motivated to face tomorrow. "Even small, incremental successes are the most effective motivating tools." ”

But it has to be said that if the desire for success is too strong and there is no way to do it, it will also make people easy to fall into the temptation of "quick success". In the book, Jeff shares an episode of his grandfather's past:

That year, my grandfather bought a racehorse. Even though Jeff was only twelve years old, he instinctively thought it was a bad idea – even if his grandparents lived on the farm, it would still be too much of a luxury to have a racehorse, let alone race. The following year, after barely scraping together the entrance fee for a small local tournament, my grandfather returned home without surprise.

But somehow, later the grandfather actually "convinced" a good rider to lend his horse with money. In another well-known race, my grandfather rode a borrowed horse and won silver at a gallop. At the finish line, Jeff took a picture of his grandfather holding the silver plate trophy and watched him lead the horse around the field to accept the congratulations.

It wasn't until years later that Jeff realized that the real reason his grandfather bought a horse was that he desperately wanted to be a big figure. But the grandfather's happiness did not last long, and the reason was already clear – although he bought the horse, he chose to jump straight to the end, and in the middle of the care, training, feeling failure, and constantly trying, all the small achievements of the day after day were missed, so that his last happiness was short-lived.

In the growth of children, rapid development is also a pit that is easy to be overlooked. In Jeff's description, many of the hazards stem from this:

For example, overemphasizing the importance of results often leads to the "downgrading" of children's ability development. As many parenting experts advocate, if a child is mischievous, clever, and eloquent, we label them as "smart", then it will be difficult for them to remain smart, because true wisdom means concentration, thoughtfulness, self-discipline and a sense of purpose.

The same is true for learning, and the impact on self-worth is more obvious. When an offer from a prestigious university is seen as the only proof of success, many students are no longer motivated to study once they get through the application season. Even after some people enter the university, they simply find someone to take the exam and write on their behalf.

Previously, some international students shared that they learned a lot of musical instruments when they were children, and it seems that their parents let them experience a lot, but in fact, he knows in his heart that learning these things is to be more competitive when he goes on to higher education and apply for university in the future, and the more he is interested in musical instruments, the less attention he will pay to them. So much so that on the day he received the college offer, he couldn't help but cheer with his friends: "I'll never touch a musical instrument again!"

Rapid success is also an obstacle to developing sticking habits. A veteran gamer's father discussed the topic of children's addiction to games with the Bund:

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Why is it that children tend to lose their enthusiasm for learning, but rarely for games? He said that the feedback from games is always certain, immediate and clear, and as soon as they reach their goals, they will be rewarded immediately. In the learning scenario, many children are accustomed to games and are unwilling to enjoy delayed gratification and slowly improve their abilities in learning.

Daniel Willingham, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, is also on the point: "From a cognitive point of view, one of the important reasons why children don't like school is whether the school allows students to experience the pleasure of solving problems consistently." ”

It turns out that even geniuses like Van Gogh and Beethoven still have more success from continuous learning, accumulation and practice. Overcoming difficulties and solving problems is a replicable ability that gives people the confidence to continue to move forward and the motivation to keep moving forward. Those who have not accumulated inspiration or cleverness, maybe there will be occasional flashes of light, and once they are used up, it will be difficult to continue to output.

More effective than blind motivation

It is to establish a virtuous circle of action

Jeff Hayden believes that no matter how ambitious and ambitious, goals cannot be achieved overnight, but need to start small and take them step by step. While we sweat, some scientific strategies and a set of excellent action procedures are often more effective than blind self-chicken and hard work with half the effort.

1. Break down big goals into small goals and build a virtuous circle for your child.

Many people cringe easily when faced with a big plan. Jeff Hayden also gave himself an example: he worked in a factory for 20 years, and at that time, the dream of "becoming a writer" seemed so far away. The goal of "becoming a writer" is particularly unattainable. But when his eyes got closer, close to opening a column, completing an article, and writing a paragraph, he was finally lifted up to the dream of "becoming a writer".

This is exactly what Jeff proposed as a "success formula": "Motivation to succeed ➡ more, more motivation ➡ ➡ to succeed, more success ➡ to be" If it's hard to start something, you might as well design a simple start that makes it easier to ➡ achieve.

For example, when practicing the piano, children are always unable to play complex tunes. We can divide the piece into small sections and encourage children to make sure they play this small section three times without making mistakes.

When the old goal and the new goal are stacked forward, a set of procedures is formed. Conquering a small chapter every day, and you can finish a complex track in a week or two, which is much more effective than practicing hard for two or three hours a day without a purpose.

If it's too difficult to get into the habit of running 1km a day, lower your goal to 200m, 500m. Even for a child who rarely exercises and is not used to sports, being able to change into sportswear, put on sneakers, and walk the whole course is already a big improvement.

Solving a seemingly difficult problem, or achieving a small milestone faster than expected, can make children happy from the bottom of their hearts, and of course, they will be more motivated to continue learning.

2. Throw away perfectionism to move forward better

Jeff Hayden mentions in the book that if you want to achieve a certain goal, you have to think less and do more, especially to abandon the perfectionism complex, and find ways to push the key is to do so.

The perfectionism of "don't do it, do it or do it to the best" is very demanding, and even becomes the reason why many children are slow to start. But in reality, we don't need to be world-class athletes at all to run a horse. If you can decide to participate in a race until you finish it once, you have already surpassed most people.

Moreover, perfectionism will also make people experience more frustration in the process of achieving their goals, and the harder it is to move forward. A Korean scholar has investigated the relationship between perfectionist mentality, motivation, and burnout among Korean students.

After surveying nearly 300 students, they found that if students aim to gain external recognition, a perfectionist mindset can eventually lead to burnout.

On the contrary, a family conversation shared by a mother warmed many parents:

8-year-old son asks: What can I get for scoring 100 points?

Mom asked rhetorically: Why do you want to reward you? Whatever you want to eat, as long as it is reasonable, your mother will buy it, and you don't need to score 100 points in exchange for it. However, are you happy with a score of 100?

The son replied: Happy!

Mom then said, "If you're happy, I'm happy, then we can celebrate with ice cream." If you feel sad because you don't have 100 points, then we can also eat ice cream so that you feel better.

Trying to be "flawless" in the eyes of others or asking yourself to always be the only "number one" often leads to repetitive and boring, inefficient, slow-moving exercises, and it is easy to get frustrated. Only by focusing on self-experience, ability improvement, etc., can motivation provide a steady stream of motivation.

3. Multiple motivations to drive children to achieve long-term goals

Jeff Hayden also mentions in the book that when multiple motivations lead to the same goal, even if one of the motivations weakens or disappears, it does not affect the general direction of achieving the goal. With a strategy like this, it is often easier to achieve goals that bring multiple benefits.

In the process of accompanying their children to work together, parents should not only help him solve difficulties but also give appropriate encouragement. It is also helpful to guide him to find the meaning of achieving the same goal from different perspectives.

Xiaoying's mother shared her daughter's experience of learning ballet with the Bund, which is very representative.

Because of her excellent ballet skills, Xiaoying has frequently benefited from her studies. She said that she didn't think so much about it when she first started studying, but with the encouragement and companionship of her mother, the joy of dancing to the music every time and the applause at the end of the performance made her feel a sense of accomplishment.

Moreover, practicing ballet all year round has made her beautiful body and often praised for her elegant temperament, which has also made her gain self-confidence and become cheerful.

Outside of the stage, her mother often guides her to discover the ballet elements of life. For example, when they look at an art exhibition, they will find that the posture of the girl in the painting is very similar to the movements of ballet, and in the performance of the famous Kunqu opera artist Zhang Xunpeng, they will find that the performance of traditional theater can also perfectly borrow elements of ballet...... The resonance of aesthetic taste also made Xiaoying's passion for ballet even deeper.

And these different happy experiences also made her enjoy ballet even more, until she didn't need to rely on ballet to go to school and compete, she still didn't give up, because ballet has long become a hobby that she can't abandon.

As parents, we don't want education to bring children disposable items that are thrown away every month and every year, to help him find the joy of learning, a sense of achievement and such and such multiple meanings, so that learning can become an ability from a behavior to an ability, and grow with him, which is the long-term way.

End

In order to make their children's attention longer last, some parents like to use the quality of will to ask their children, and they will not stop until they are exhausted every time. As everyone knows, the spring band is always on the edge of being pulled apart, and it will slowly lose its elasticity. Excessive tiredness is more likely to make children feel intimidated and become more and more difficult to persevere.

As the old saying goes, there's not enough to come.

When we answer the question "why do we want to learn?", it is better to guide him to discover the joy of discovering new knowledge on his own. Take the child to set his own lofty goals, and accompany him to achieve one stage victory after another under a reasonable procedure that is not so difficult.

Those exams, further education, and job hunting are not ends, but just a small mark on the road to growth. There is still a long way to go, and he will continue to move forward under the drive of himself, and slowly grow in the process, and gradually realize that it is a happy thing to learn endlessly.

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