I once read a story called "Chunxiang and Xiaoman" in "Reader" magazine (2024.05).
Her daughter's name is Xiaoman, and after taking her mother, Chunxiang, who has little culture, to work in Shenzhen, she has a better understanding of her mother.
I also understood the self who used to be twisted and uncomfortable in the metropolis.
"As I grew up, I no longer attributed many things to my family of origin and the environment in which I grew up, and people are shaped by society. ”
Photo: Zhelin
This sentence is not the answer to many questions.
"Happy people use their childhood to heal their whole lives, and unhappy people use their lives to heal their childhood. But is that really the case?
Family of origin is not the original sin
In recent years, the concept of "family of origin" has attracted more and more attention, as if all the flaws in our character and all the unsatisfactory in life can be found in the family of origin.
But you must know that there is no perfect family of origin in the world, and everyone will have some regrets in the process of growing up.
Keigo Higashino once explained the original family in the book "Shisheng": "Everyone wants to be born in a good family, but they can't choose their parents. Whatever card is dealt to you, you can only try to play it as well as you can. ”
We need to realize that although the family of origin has influenced our past, it cannot bind our present and future.
Su Mingyu in "It's All Good" grew up in a patriarchal family, but with her own efforts, she went from a salesperson to a company executive, achieved financial independence, and after her mother died, she still chose to help her eldest brother find a job and buy a house for her father......
Source: Douban Movie
Although you can't choose what kind of parents you have, you can at least choose how you want to live your life.
After the age of 25, we should be the writers of our own life stories, not the ones who passively accept them.
There is no point in dwelling on the past
My friend Xiaomos, 30 years old, has achieved nothing so far, and his favorite thing to do is to blame his parents.
When others are promoted, he says that his parents are capable; when others buy houses and cars, he says that his family has helped him a lot; when he sees that his friends who grew up together are doing better than him, he will also attribute his unhappiness to his parents' lack of ability.
In short, he blamed everything unsatisfactory in his life on his original family, and he has been immersed in the "pain" of the past and can't extricate himself, complaining about his miserable childhood whenever he meets people.
"The lucky man is healed by childhood all his life, and the unfortunate man is healed by childhood all his life. He put this on his lips as an excuse for his refusal to try.
But if you think about it carefully, the "original family theory" is sometimes more like a false proposition, and it can easily become a tool for us to shirk our responsibilities.
As it is written in the book "The Family of Origin: How to Fix Your Own Character Flaws": "When you base most of your life decisions on your parents' feelings, you are giving up your own freedom of choice." If in your heart, your parents' feelings always come first, then your life will also be controlled by them. ”
In the face of the problems of the family of origin, there is no point in complaining and dwelling on the past, what we can do is to face the past and then move forward bravely.
Source: Visual China
The influence of the original family is not as great as imagined
In psychology, there is such a concept - separation of topics.
It advocates that in order to resolve interpersonal conflicts, it is necessary to distinguish between what is your subject and what is mine. I'm only responsible for doing my thing well, and you're only responsible for doing your thing well.
Regarding how to "separate from the subject" of the original family, the book "The Courage to Be Hated" gives us this answer:
First of all, we should separate our own "life issues" from the "life issues" of others, and do not interfere with other people's issues, nor do we allow others to interfere in our own issues.
For example, how our parents treat us is a matter for our parents, and we have nothing to do with it, but we need to take responsibility for our own lives, and it is our own problem to distinguish which problems are our own and which problems belong to others.
Second, when we face the influence of our family of origin, we do not want to "escape" from our relationship with our parents, but to achieve "separation from the subject" with our parents.
That is, on the one hand, we should take responsibility for our own life and be the master of our own life, and on the other hand, we should also understand and thank our parents from our hearts, and gradually get rid of the negative relationship with our parents.
Finally, we need to let go of the pursuit and expectation of our original family, and take the initiative to separate our own life issues from those of our parents, so that we can embark on a new journey in our own lives.
As one writer said in the book, "If you don't want to live an active and serious life, no matter what kind of answer you get, it's useless." ”
There is no perfect person, and there is no perfect family of origin, but the decision of life is in our own hands, even if we get a bad hand, we must work hard to play it well.
Source: Visual China
Compulsory course for adults: learn independence and self-love
In the TV series "It's All Good" just mentioned, Su Mingyu, who has lived in the shadow of her mother's patriarchy since she was a child, although she has a grudge against her mother, she did not indulge in the past, but through her own efforts, she got rid of the scars of her original family and achieved dual independence of economy and personality.
This is the best attitude of an adult towards the scars of his family of origin - independence and self-love.
First of all, you need to be financially independent.
Only by supporting oneself first can a person straighten his waist in this society and have the confidence to speak.
Financial independence may not immediately help you get out of the shadow of your family of origin, but at least it can give you the opportunity to choose.
If you like a job, you can try your best, and if you want to do your best, you can try your best.
When you meet your own life needs through your own efforts, you will find that the influence of your family of origin on you is slowly decreasing.
Secondly, you need to be mentally independent.
Being mentally independent means that you have your own independent thinking system, values, and life goals, and you no longer follow the crowd.
Finally, you also need to learn self-love.
Be clear about your principles and bottom line, protect yourself from harm, cherish your body, ensure your health, cherish your life, and cherish your soul to live a stable and happy life.
Source: Visual China
Write at the end
Nietzsche once said, "You have to figure out the script of your life—not a sequel to your parents, not a prequel to your children, not an extralogue of your friends." ”
Therefore, for what your original family owes you, you should take it back on your own, strive to pursue financial independence and spiritual independence, heal the scars of the past with love and courage, and live the life you want.
Life after the age of 25 is up to you.
Author: Zhelin, taking words as a forest, planting wisdom and insight.