01
I have been grasping my daughter's studies since she was a child.
But her daughter's grades are always unsatisfactory.
In elementary school, my daughter was able to make do with it, and her grades were not "miserable".
When I got to junior high school, I transferred her to a middle school far away from my home, which was still a key class.
But there are no classmates I know in this school, and in an unfamiliar environment, the teacher doesn't pay much attention to her, and always says that she can't learn.
I am like a great enemy, and I ask my daughter to pay more attention, and she must catch up as soon as possible, so as not to disappoint my painstaking efforts to transfer her to another school.
Outside of work, I gave up my personal life to keep an eye on my daughter's development.
I'm afraid she won't be able to learn the math content the next day, so I will give her a preview the night before;
As soon as I saw that my daughter didn't do anything related to her studies, or talked about something unrelated, I became anxious.
I repeatedly told my daughter: "The school was finally entered by someone I trusted, you must be strict with yourself and don't live up to your family's expectations of you!"
Throughout junior high school, my daughter was very tired and had a hard time studying.
I also enrolled her in a lot of cram schools, and she often complained about her dissatisfaction from morning to night.
In the second semester of the third year of junior high school, the teacher transferred all the children with slightly worse grades to the back seats, and she didn't want to study anymore.
There are conflicts with classmates when the high school entrance examination is approaching, and the two friends who are usually better ignore her, she has nowhere to tell, and she tells us that no one understands her.
I didn't play well in the high school entrance examination and entered a vocational high school, and I was like a deflated ball, extremely disappointed.
I think that's how talented she is, so she gave up the "chicken baby", and when she didn't do well in the exam, she just said that it was okay if she didn't do well in the exam, and it didn't help the child channel her emotions.
In high school, she had mediocre grades and was unable to derive a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction from her studies.
I can't manage my studies, I just take care of my life, and I always feel that my children haven't grown up yet, from when to eat and sleep, to what kind of clothes to wear, what kind of people to make friends with, etc., everything is very small.
And the child nagged, saying that I controlled her and controlled her strictly.
During this time, she met some friends who did not go to school, and her daughter gradually felt that these children were free, and felt that going to school was useless, and after a long time, she was not interested in going to school.
I just gave up expectations for her academic performance, which doesn't mean that I can accept that she won't go to school, and there is no shame in having a high school degree!
02
The fact that my children don't want to go to school makes me worry about what to do every day.
I read the content of "adolescence and suspension of school" on the Internet every day, and I have seen a lot of cases, and I have also come into contact with the psychology of mothers.
I was determined to do something about it, to make a radical change, to hopefully change my relationship with my daughter.
I learned the concept of "hollow heart disease", and I also knew that my daughter's sudden dislike of school and not going to school is a typical manifestation of "hollow heart disease" in teenagers!
Hollow heart disease, as the name suggests, the child's heart is empty and cannot feel the meaning of life.
It can also be accompanied by a state of exhaustion, loneliness, and depression.
The psychological counseling teacher in the class group who is responsible for answering questions every day said that she has seen many children with hollow heart disease.
On the surface, these children lie flat and rotten, and have no vitality.
Inside, they don't know the meaning of life, and they are prone to school boredom and extreme behavior.
This is because they have been scrutinized by the outside world since childhood, and the high expectations of their parents and teachers have been "internalized" by themselves.
The high demands of parents become the high demands of children on themselves.
She has always lacked internal motivation, and studying hard is to meet her parents' requirements, rather than having goals and directions for herself.
When she was in the lower grades of primary school, her knowledge points were simple and she could easily get good grades.
In junior high and high school, the difficulty of subjects increases, and it is difficult to excel in science.
She gradually lost her self-confidence, her true self was suppressed, and over time, she fell into a strong sense of meaninglessness.
My daughter has also complained:
I'm all living for your expectations.
I didn't do well in the exam, and you seem to be more uncomfortable than me.
Will you be disappointed if I can't get into college?
My response was always very unobtrusive: "Everyone is like this, and social life is even more so, you need to increase your own resistance to stress." ”
Now that I think about it, my daughter's hollowness has long been traced.
Now that this is the case, what can I do to help my daughter out of this difficult situation?
03
I started to guide my daughter step by step.
1. Mention less about learning and return the autonomy of life and learning to children
How can a child who doesn't even say what he likes or what he doesn't want to do has enthusiasm for life?
The tighter the grip on the child and the more control you have, the more frequent and intense the parent-child conflict will be.
The first step to change is to let go of the obsession with learning, establish a good parent-child relationship first, and then slowly influence the child.
I will actively learn about my child's interests and hobbies and find topics to talk about.
When your child shares, follow up on the topic and get to know your child with curiosity.
No criticism, no denial, no preaching during the chat.
My daughter likes cosplay and dresses up to go to comic conventions, but I was against it and didn't think it was useful.
The greatest sense of security for a child is the love of her parents, who can be unconditionally satisfied within her ability and provide the greatest support when she needs it.
Now I will support her and her friends to go out to Comic-Con, and after she cosies her favorite characters, the whole person is full of confidence and happiness.
In the past, the life of only learning was vain, and people could only build a sense of reality and participation bit by bit in real life.
Only by exchanging autonomy for the child is the beginning of awakening her inner motivation.
With goals, hobbies, and directions, children can stimulate their inner motivation and know why they are working hard.
Give the child's things back to the child and let the child be himself.
2. Let go of anxiety, establish a healthy relationship with emotions, and allow children to find a comfortable rhythm of growth
Parents' high anxiety, high expectations, and strict requirements are "internalized" into their children over time.
On the one hand, the child accepts the recognition that "only if you have excellent academic performance, you are a valuable person";
But on the one hand, as she grew older, she was unwilling to prove her worth only by studying.
Internal friction seriously overdrew her internal motivation, and she was unable to support her school.
Realizing my past mistakes, I learned to let go of my anxiety and correct my cognition -
The child is an independent individual, and her excellence should be pursued from the heart, not my face project.
Thinking about this, my whole body relaxed a lot.
Allow yourself and your child to have emotions, don't evaluate emotions, and build a relationship with emotions, emotions are ephemeral and will disappear.
Children are allowed to release their emotions by skipping meals, playing games, scolding, saying cruel words, etc., without interfering with children's venting.
I keep an emotional diary, and through recording, I consciously perceive my behavior patterns and emotional fire points.
Then think about what better ways I could handle this next time something like this happens.
If you don't have time to write it down, you'll have to rehearse it in your head on your commute.
One day, my daughter suddenly said to me
Life is a process of experience, and you can grasp only your own feelings.
For example, I like cosplay, I can save my own money to buy clothes and decorations, but before that, I still have to work hard to find a job, push backwards, and study hard to build a material foundation.
Her thoughts are maturing day by day, her thinking about life is also trending positively, and her eyes are bright.
During this time, my daughter communicated less with those friends who did not go to school, went to school step by step, and her learning status was getting better and better.
Of course, there will be occasional feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and complaints, and I will catch them in time and steadily, and I will not force her to achieve results.
During this period of rest and healing, my daughter got rid of the shackles of "I study for my parents" and regained her autonomy in life. That's when the inner motivation is truly stimulated.
After walking this way, I found that there are still many parents of children who are anxious about their children's problems such as boredom of school, not going to school, suspension of school, rebellion, and running away from home.
I would like to say to parents who are in pain that the solution lies with our parents. I hope that more parents can make positive changes, lead their children out of the predicament, and cheer together!