Friendship can better reflect the bone marrow of friendship. The word "plain" describes the ontology of pure and simple friendship. Elements are the basis of all colors, and at the same time they are the harmony of all colors, like the day containing seven colors. The real friendship seems to be plain, but it has its own friendship that transcends life and death. If the relationship is not dull and tired, it is love or platonic friendship.
—— "Reader", Issue 3, 2015 "Passing by the Friends of Your Life"
Relationships are undoubtedly an important part of our lives.
We are born with a desire to connect and interact, but this desire can sometimes make us forget our needs and boundaries.
We may sacrifice our time, energy, and emotions to cater to others in order to be recognized and loved.
However, when we have too many deep links with others in our relationships, we are likely to be involved in a "social disaster".
So, in relationships, it's crucial to maintain healthy boundaries.
When interacting with others, we can live happier and more contented lives and build long-lasting, meaningful relationships.
Source: Visual China
There is no shortage of intimacy
There is a question on Zhihu: "What is the ideal interpersonal relationship?"
It is interesting to have this answer:
"The ideal interpersonal relationship is like the relationship between a person and a cat, it is with you but does not interfere with you, you must respect its space and independence, do not harass it too much, and the boundaries between everyone still exist. ”
I agree with him.
If you are too close, it is easy to complain about each other because of trivial things, and if you are too distant, you will lose the joy of getting along.
In the early years, when I read "Reader", I wrote down Mr. Qian Zhongshu's concept of making friends, and he admired "plain friendship":
"Friendship can better reflect the marrow of friendship. The word 'plain' describes the ontology of pure and simple friendship. Elements are the basis of all colors, and at the same time they are the harmony of all colors, like the day containing seven colors.
"True friendship seems to be plain, but it has its own friendship that transcends life and death. If the relationship is not dull and tired, it is love or platonic friendship. ”
Photo: Zhiyi
This is the case with him and the master of Chinese painting Huang Yongyu. The two families are only 200 meters apart, but in the 20 years they have been neighbors, they can count the number of visits they have visited each other on both hands.
Even if you want to send a new dish to the other person, you must call in advance to ask if it is convenient.
Huang Yongyu said: "It's not that I don't want to go, it's just self-love, I just cherish their time, the Qian family and his wife are really busy writing, people should understand and understand." ”
But this seemingly cold way of getting along does not affect the friendship between the two families at all, and they will come out to help each other as soon as they have any trouble.
Writer Xiao Hong is a not too cold person, when she first fled to Shanghai, Lu Xun was sick, but she often talked to her master Lu Xun.
didn't make an appointment in advance, and didn't pay attention to the time, Xu Guangping, as Xiao Hong's wife, took care of her very much, but she later complained about Xiao Hong in the article:
"Mr. Xiao Hong couldn't get rid of her sadness and stayed in our apartment all day. In order to alleviate Mr. Lu Xun's hard work of accompanying guests all day, I had to talk to her alone in the guest room. Because of the care of Mr. Lu Xun, I can't take care of it, and I am often overwhelmed. ”
Not only Xu Guangping is like this, but Lu Xun, who has always been kind and informal, was also a little annoyed by Xiao Hong, and said to her: "Are you complaining too much, you go to Japan to calm down." ”
Between the words, there is a taste of sending off guests.
And Xu Guangping wrote about this paragraph in the article, her original words were: "She finally left for Japan." ”
The so-called gentleman's friendship is as light as water, and maintaining a clear sense of boundary is an ability, but also a kind of education.
As the old saying goes: "Frequent relatives are also sparse, and staying for a long time is cheap." ”
In life, no matter how good the relationship between the two is, if they are too close, they will feel a sense of alienation.
It's like a person living on the eaves of someone's house in the early stage, sooner or later, people will feel cheap and disgusting.
Therefore, the best state of people and everything is to keep their distance and maintain a sense of boundaries.
People who have no sense of boundaries are destined to live a chaotic life and eventually fall into a state of chicken feathers.
Only by maintaining a sense of boundaries, life, and life can we move towards beauty.
Enthusiasm is not lost in coldness
I used to have a colleague Sister Cai, who was not bad and enthusiastic, but she just blocked others when she spoke.
A colleague's parents traveled to Tibet by car, and when everyone chatted at lunch, Sister Cai jumped out of place: "Let your parents pay attention to altitude sickness, many people can't come back when they go." ”
The colleague's face immediately changed, and he said, "Don't say such unlucky words, my parents have a lot of people, and there will be no danger." ”
Sister Cai didn't realize that her words were inappropriate at this time, and she was still chattering next to her.
Another time, a little girl in the company was distressed by the family's urging marriage, and Sister Cai dragged the little girl and said something "good for her":
"Now the little girls are delicate and delicate, so tender that they can pinch out the water. If you don't hurry up, you will find a divorced man in the future, and you may be a stepmother directly. ”
After Sister Cai finished her heartfelt words, the little girl was obviously startled by her words, and made an excuse to leave, and everyone was helpless next to her.
Did Sister Cai deliberately poke her colleague's sore spots? Actually, no.
However, her kind words and persuasion to her colleagues did not play a role in caring and comforting, but made the other party bored, and the relationship became more and more estranged.
Source: Visual China
In life, everyone has their own darkness and purity.
Silence in dealing with people and judging the situation is far better than untimely enthusiasm.
Cai Kangyong said: "Actually, I encourage everyone to be a relatively cold person. ”
His words actually have two meanings:
On the first floor, no matter how close the friends are, they can't lose their proportions, and they think they are familiar, but the result is estrangement;
On the other hand, being sociable will waste a lot of energy to deal with human nature, and how can you have the time and energy to empower yourself.
In fact, moderate indifference is a more mature and wise way of dealing with the world after experiencing some things, seeing some human nature clearly, and having some strength.
Maintaining a proper sense of proportion is not indifference and alienation, but a rare sobriety in the world.
Too much enthusiasm will burn each other, have temperature, not excessive, in order to make each other have a sense of comfort.
Cherish without losing understanding
In "Confucius's Family Sayings", an interesting story of Confucius is recorded:
Confucius wanted to go out on a rainy day, but there were no umbrellas at that time, only expensive covers for the scholars and clothes for peaceful people.
Confucius did not have a cover, and someone suggested that he find an apprentice disciple Xia to borrow.
After hearing this, Confucius said: "No, Zixia is a stingy person. If I borrow from him, if he doesn't give it to me, others will think that he doesn't respect the teacher, and if he borrows me, he will definitely feel distressed. ”
Yes, no matter how good your relationship is, don't force others to do what the other party doesn't want to do, and don't force others to help if the other party doesn't want to help.
Only when you learn to respect others, others will respect you, only when you learn to understand others, others will understand you, and only by cherishing each other can you make the relationship more comfortable and long-lasting.
The world is so big, everyone has their own ideas and opinions, and we can't judge others right or wrong with our own standpoint, let alone force others to live according to their own views and ideas.
If you can't fully understand, try to respect and be tolerant.
Allow others to be others and allow yourself to be yourself.
The best way to protect yourself is to never underestimate your weight in the hearts of others.
In "Silent Confession", it says:
"Our whole life is to get rid of other people's expectations and find our true selves. ”
How others evaluate your choices is someone else's problem, and you can't control it at all.
And when it comes to your life choices, all you can do is choose what you think is the best path.
Cut out the excessive enthusiasm and unnecessary socialization, and leave room for each other to be comfortable.
Only deletion is complicated, appropriate indifference, respect and understanding, is the best way to get along.
Encourage you.
Author: Light ink for more than a few years, I wish to love everything I meet, with a happy heart, slow unknowable encounters.