Written by / First Psychology Writers
Editor / Tommy
Sharing costs between friends or during a relationship is an effective way to balance the relationship and strengthen the bond between them. However, once this practice is applied to married life, things are not so simple.
As more and more women advocate the concept of "independence", many women insist on using their own money and not relying on men.
In particular, many young married couples try to maintain their financial independence and personal self-esteem through the "AA" way, hoping that this will protect their freedom and dignity.
The protagonist of the story is called Bingbing, and she has been married to her husband for 5 years.
Before marriage, her husband took care of her, but soon after marriage, he showed his true colors and insisted that the living expenses after marriage must be shared. Bingbing held back her anger and dissatisfaction in the expectant eyes of her relatives and friends.
When Bingbing's mother was seriously ill and hospitalized, due to her busy work, she begged her husband to visit in his free time, but she didn't expect her husband to respond coldly that it was your mother. From then on, Bingbing decided to keep her distance from her husband.
Therefore, they began the life of "AA", without children, without housework, Bingbing would lock the bedroom door at night.
When her husband asked if she wanted to have a child, Bingbing asked rhetorically, are you going to get pregnant five months before or five months later? Faced with such an answer, the husband never mentioned having a child again. Two years later, the husband finally felt anxious.
Once the husband who returned late was exhausted and asked Bingbing to cook a bowl of noodles for him, but he was directly refused. There was a fierce quarrel between the two, Bingbing filed for divorce, and the husband was full of remorse for the broken marriage, but it was irretrievable.
Regarding the question of whether "AA" will lead to estrangement or more harmonious coexistence between husband and wife, the two sides have different views, and some netizens even triggered a discussion of "whether AA couples are based on love or no love".
Today, we're going to explore "AA" marriages and the psychological reasons behind them.
The concept of "AA" originated in the Netherlands in the early days of capitalism, and evolved from the habit of "each to pay" proposed by Dutch merchants.
Due to the high level of maritime trade activities, the Dutch, after entertaining them, were likely to never meet these guests again in their lifetime, so they proposed "Let's go dutch!" The meaning of "each pays", that is, the meaning of dividing the fee equally, is commonly known as "AA".
There is also an interesting background to this statement, which was actually coined by the British to mock the frugality of the Dutch.
This was due to the fact that there had been three successive wars between Britain and the Dutch, and the Dutch had been defeated, so the British found an opportunity to ridicule the defeated Dutch. They ridiculed the Dutch for their excessive business nature and lack of gentlemanliness, and invited guests while asking them to share the costs. Therefore, the phrase "AA" is full of irony.
The Shell Research Institute conducted a survey on whether couples can accept "AA".
The results showed that 55.1% of the respondents could not accept it, 25.9% said it didn't matter, and only 19% clearly said they could accept it - more than half of them expressed rejection of "AA" married life, and the highest proportion of people who were willing to "AA" in romantic relationships.
Psychologists point out that there are hidden dangers in the "AA" lifestyle that can lead to a crisis of trust.
Zhang Baifang, chief physician of the Department of Psychology of the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangdong Pharmaceutical University, said in an interview with "Is "AA" worth it" that the life of "AA" actually hides huge hidden dangers, and it is easy to cultivate trust problems.
Especially for women, because many of the things they pay after marriage cannot be measured in money, at first the two may be able to live in harmony and not interfere with each other's income, which makes many women who pursue "autonomy" feel satisfied.
But as time goes on, especially when new members are added to the family, problems begin to appear.
Married women like Xiaofang have said:
"I add more than 10,000 yuan of family expenses with children every month, and my husband said that he is paying for the water and electricity networks at home, so I will pay a small amount of money, is the family expenses a small amount of money?"
In such a situation, it is very difficult to achieve complete equality, and those who oppose the "AA" system also believe that families who do not intend to have children may be better suited to this model.
In fact, the essence of the "AA" system is a manifestation of the insecurity felt by one or both parties, and the direct use of the "AA" method to set up a psychological safety zone for oneself makes people appear stronger and rational.
As the saying goes: when women love men too much, they come up with "AA", and when men don't love women that much, they come up with this system.
Women often adopt "AA" out of concern about men's pressure, and unintentionally fear of being abandoned by the other party, and men propose this system to reduce their sense of responsibility, which actually reflects the lack of value and trust in feelings. Thus, the party proposing "AA" has subconsciously set a future for his love that may fail. In middle-aged couples, the "AA" system is usually introduced because of a break in trust.
For example, both sides are beginning to guard against each other and are unwilling to let the other take advantage.
If one of them belongs to the so-called phoenix man or phoenix woman, in order to maintain his vanity, he sends a large amount of money to his family, causing the other party to frequently ask for money. Over time, one partner begins to secretly save money to secretly support the family, which eventually leads to a collapse of trust when the other half finds out.
In this way, over time, women gradually suffer under the "AA" system, and men disappoint women with excessive "calculations". No matter how good the relationship between the two parties is, excessive independence and calculation will make each other estranged, and the relationship between husband and wife will inevitably become weak.
People's behavior will eventually change with the guidance of the subconscious, and the gradual disappearance of the sense of security will make the situation worse, evolving into thoughts, which will eventually lead to the breakdown of the relationship, continue to "AA" without indebtedness to each other, and both parties would rather part ways and seek a new beginning.
Only financially "autonomous" women are suitable for "AA" In addition, there is a special case, that is, women earn much more than men, such as some women who are company executives or business owners, such people are not only in marriage, but also have enough confidence to put forward their own demands on any occasion, so they may advocate "AA" based on incomplete trust in their husbands.
In the average family, men should shoulder the burden of the family. Whereas men in the past were seen as the breadwinners of the family, some men now seek to minimize this burden.
It is undeniable that some of the men who advocate "AA" are overly calculating or scheming, calculating every penny, and even asking too much responsibility from their wives who are responsible for giving birth and raising children. Women should be wary in this situation, such men are either extremely selfish or simply don't love you enough.
According to research, the divorce rate of couples who adopt the "AA" model is much higher than that of traditional couples, although this conclusion has no scientific basis and is only for reference.
The "AA" system itself is not the problem, the key is whether the husband and wife "work together", not just "self-centered".
If it is the former, the husband should understand his wife more deeply and do a more humane job in "relative" AA"", for example, the division of labor should not be overemphasized in housework and avoid absolutism.
If it is the latter, then it is really necessary to reconsider the quality of the relationship between husband and wife, and how can there be a deep emotional foundation without putting yourself in each other's shoes.
The End -
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Keywords in this article: husband and wife relationship, psychology
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