"Children with psychological problems tend to be the least ill in a single family."
Since this "buzzword" of unknown origin has been widely used on the Internet, the attention to "family system dynamics" in child and adolescent psychotherapy has lasted for more than half a century. At the same time, psychiatric diagnostics and psychological labeling are still seen as stigma and attacks.
How do we really see the needs of a teenager as parents and teachers?
We chatted with Zhao Jing, a counselor who focuses on the dynamics of adolescent families.
The following is Zhao Jing's own statement.
Zhao Jing, CPS registered supervisor, national second-level psychological counselor, social worker, 19 years of practice, member of the Simple Psychology Academic Committee, chief supervisor of Simple Forest, expert counselor, associate professor of psychological counseling at Beijing Youth University of Political Science, doctoral candidate in social work at National Chengchi University, master of developmental and educational psychology from Beijing Institute of Technology. At present, clinical consultation and supervision are mainly carried out in the simple psychological offline center "Simple Forest Mental Health Center".
01
Children's problems may be the scapegoat for family problems
I watched the news a while ago that the detection rate of depression among children and adolescents is getting higher and higher (Note: According to the "Report on the Development of National Mental Health in China (2019-2020)", the detection rate of depression among adolescents is as high as 24.6%).
At Simple Forest, an offline psychological counseling center for Simple Psychology where I currently work, the number of appointments for teenagers usually peaks at this point in the first month of school. Concentrated in March and April and October and November, the vast majority of children come because they "don't go to school". Some of the counselors I supervised worked in the psychology department of the hospital, and they would tell me that the hospital was also very crowded with visits at this time, and they were all overwhelmed.
Why is this happening?
What I learned was that by the time of the summer and winter holidays, these children had entered a state of near-collapse, saying "I don't want to go to school". But parents may not react immediately, but hope for the holiday, endure it, and see if the holiday can be adjusted?
It may have something to do with the fact that there will be monthly exams or mid-term exams within a month or two after the opening of primary and secondary schools. There are also cases where children are forced to participate in various summer camps, winter camps, often closed camps for a period of time, completely detached from the care and support of their parents, and adapt to the new environment alone, resulting in great emotional consumption. After the TA goes back to school, after another period of time, the child's emotional stress will explode.
Most of these children who don't want to go to school have quite good grades. They may suddenly encounter academic difficulties and do not want to go to school, or they may have problems with interpersonal communication at school, or parents may have high expectations for their children's learning, and their children are frustrated that they do not meet them, and no one can understand them, and they have no other way to express themselves.
Of course, not going to school doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your child. Usually our clinical assessment will look at whether the child's social functions are developing, such as the child's support system, relationship with family members, relationship with peers, whether he is curious about the outside world, whether he will do things that hurt him, etc.
For example, a child who has not been in school for a long time, but has developed his own hobbies and is willing to make friends - as long as the child is developing in a growing direction, I think it is OK.
But there are also some children who are reluctant to go to school because of social anxiety and the inability to make friends. In addition, some of our visitors will have all kinds of self-injurious behaviors, expressing pain in a way that hurts themselves, and we want parents to truly understand what their needs are through the expression of their pain, such as drug abuse, scratching themselves with a razor blade...... At this time, the parents began to wake up and realize the seriousness of the problem.
So, when we meet a child who is emotionally struggling, we first ask the whole family to evaluate it. Not only the children, but also the parents have to be evaluated.
Whether it's psychiatry or psychological counseling, many professionals now use a systematic perspective to assess the child's difficulties – what are the factors that are causing his current difficulties?
I think it's also an improvement. Because most of the problems in children are related to some factors in the family. From the perspective of the theory of family therapy, the child's problems may be the scapegoat for family problems.
Therefore, if there is a family involved, it will often get twice the result with half the effort, and the efficiency is relatively high. However, there may be children who are reluctant to consult with their parents. In this case, I will work alone with the child first, invite the parents to join the meeting regularly, and give the parents some psychological education to help them make some adjustments.
02
Children are the "emotional sensors" of the family
Why is it said that most of the problems in children are related to the family?
The most common is that parents are overly strict and utilitarian in their parenting style, they have high expectations for their children, and often set goals to make their children feel constant anxiety and stress. When children find themselves struggling to meet their parents' high expectations, it can lead to a breakdown.
Another type of common is that children use their own "illness" to express conflicts in family relationships.
For example, parents quarrel or be cold and violent all day long, or there is a conflict between mother and grandmother - when the whole family atmosphere is very tense, or when there is no healthy outlet for many emotions in the family to express, the child will become a sensor of family emotions.
▷ "Electric Shock Girl"
Children are very sensitive. They may have a sudden emotional outburst at home, anxious, angry, or show some psychotic symptoms, but this is actually expressing some problems on behalf of the whole family.
Why do children become sensors of emotional conflict? Because children are very loyal to their parents and families. This in itself is also the theory of many family counseling in the past: children are often subconsciously loyal to their parents, even if they seem to be rebellious.
On the other hand, the way parents deal with emotions is often "passed on from generation to generation" to their children. With a pair of irritable parents, the child often has very violent expressions, such as hysteria, quarrels, etc., which is also the child's loyalty to his parents. But when the child expresses himself like that, the parents feel that there is something wrong with him and he needs to see a psychiatrist and do psychological counseling.
There are also some teenagers who come to the consultation and have experienced major changes in their families. For example, the divorce of parents, the death of one parent, etc., this is a very realistic part.
In addition, I found that most of the visiting families have a second child, or a family with many children in the middle (middle of the rank). My child may feel neglected by his parents, and his parents don't love me enough.
Personally, I think it has something to do with the fact that teenagers are growing up at a time of great change. When children reach puberty, the way they express their needs changes. Instead of crying or hugging like a child, they need "mom and dad to guess me", and they may also express their needs by "refusing".
On the parents' side, they will feel that "this child is estranged from me, as if they don't need me anymore", and they often don't take the initiative to think: Oh, an adolescent boss, what does he need?
Teenagers are changing dramatically, and mom and dad also need to learn how to keep up with their growth. It's very difficult for them to learn to find the right point.
03
Parents who are "resistant to change".
Parents are generally willing to cooperate. However, on a subconscious level, many parents are still reluctant to admit that their child's condition is related to them.
Even if they consciously understand, oh, it has something to do with me, or it has something to do with our education, but on an emotional level, it's still hard for them to honestly and humbly say that they need to change.
They often think, "If I have a problem, then I haven't been able to come over normally for so many years?" Why haven't I had to go to the psychiatric department? How can I work and I can't go to school when I get to my children? You have to take medication, and you have to make a fuss? So their actual thinking is: I will cooperate, but the problem is with the child.
Of course, in psychological counseling, we must not take sides, and we cannot judge who has bigger problems and whose problems are smaller. It's just that in a sense, the value system of adults will be more rigid and more difficult to loosen.
In fact, parents also try very hard to know what is wrong with their child, want to know what to do about themselves, and even want to hear others tell him what problems exist as a parent. It seems that pointing out where the problem is, it can be a big help to change.
But in reality, it will be a long time from "knowing what my problems are", to knowing how to change, to really digesting all these things in his heart and applying them to his real life and relationships.
▷ "Olive Kitteridge"
Change simply can't happen miraculously just by "pointing out where your problem is." There are many parents who are familiar with parenting theory, but their children have not changed.
There are some hyper-rational visitors as well. When I encounter difficulties, I subconsciously keep asking: What should I do?
So we repeatedly argue that in fact, the cognitive and conscious level is not the most important, but how our emotions are, what our inner conflicts are.
In the past thirty or forty years of life, many people have become accustomed to the fact that everything has to be clearly demonstrated at the cognitive level, so that they can feel controllable and feel that they have found the answer. But that's exactly where the problem lies.
Emotional, Inner, Subconscious...... Many things cannot be presented in a super-rational way, which is the deeper meaning of psychological counseling.
04
Children who are "faithful to their parents".
In counselling, "behavioural change" can happen very quickly. Many children go back to school after just a few consultations.
On the one hand, I think that there is a lot of room for the growth of children themselves, as long as there is a slight change in the parents - whether it is an improvement in the family atmosphere, a relaxation in the relationship between parents, or some changes in the educational philosophy of parents - teenagers will be very sensitive to the fact that their parents love them, or the fact that "parents seem to be trying to make adjustments", so they will soon show some positive parts.
▷ "Murderer's Mall"
On the other hand, most of the children who sit in the counseling room are "good children" in the traditional sense of the word, who have very good grades.
They themselves are very loyal to their parents. They have a lot of guilt and want to meet their parents' expectations (e.g., going to school), so when they have some support in counselling, they may soon move into their current social roles (e.g., going to school).
Being able to go to school is usually a dominant indicator. Many parents think that their child is back on track and there is no problem, so they immediately stop the consultation.
From a professional ethical point of view, if the client advocates the end (or in the case of minors, the parents as guardians), we have no right to stop it, and we must respect the client's right to make their own decisions. But it is often the case with counselors that the refusal to go to school is repeated, and after a while, the child returns.
The reason for the repetition is that the child's inner growth is not solid enough. With the help of counseling, he may have developed some strength to cope with reality at the moment, but he has not yet formed a strong set of inner adaptability, such as handling interpersonal relationships, self-satisfaction, adapting to the environment, etc. If these aspects are well developed, we will take the initiative to discuss with parents and children the end of the consultation.
05
Invisible Family "Emotional Wars" and "Mediators"
Many times, parents do not realize that there is a very noticeable shift in the task of psychological development of the child during adolescence.
In the past, they may have been intimate and cute to their parents, but when they enter adolescence, what their parents think of them is no longer the most important, but the proportion of peers and teachers who think of them has increased.
At this time, if she is a mother with high control and high anxiety, she may have a very big sense of frustration and loss of control (of course, this is also related to the "missing father", because the father's absence and absence may prompt the mother to pin all her emotions on the child. This is a typical triangular imbalance in Chinese family dynamics, which will not be expanded on in this article).
She may think: I love you so much, I have done so much for you, why are you suddenly disobedient now? Why do you come back now and close the door and not tell me anything at all?
If a mother with high anxiety and control is unable to process her emotions, she will often tighten her control over her child. For example, you can't go home late, you can't use electronics, you can't lock the door when you go back to your room. If your child looks at his phone a little, he will feel addicted to his phone, and if he plays a little game, he will say that you are going to lose control now.
In the counseling room, the counselor is an outsider, and we observe how the emotional war between the family roles is triggered, and then make some disturbances to the original system of the family.
To take the simplest example, the mother is chattering about the various behavioral problems that the child has: ...... If you don't form a good study habit now, what will you do in the future?...... At this point, the child could not sit still and began to stand up and hide in the corner of the consultation room, refusing to give any response. At this time, I will help the mother and child empathize and express their needs, help them see what happened in the interaction just now, and under what circumstances will the child withdraw and be anxious? In fact, it is often when the parents express anxiety, the child begins to be unable to accept and digest this feeling, and there is a change in behavior.
There are also children who volunteer to be mediators in parental conflicts.
For example, in a family meeting, the mother expressed concern about the child's condition in her speech, and then the father began to speak next to him, his tone was full of contempt for the mother, and began to criticize the mother's educational philosophy. The well-behaved child next to him suddenly began to get angry and screamed: "Don't talk about it!
Due to the child's sudden irritability, the focus of the problem is shifted to the child, and the problem between the parents is taken into account. The child inadvertently uses a burn-in-fire strategy to try to maintain the relationship between the parents.
As a counselor, I may empathize with my child's unusual reactions and verbally identify his or her emotions and needs. For example, ask him: Oh, you don't want your parents to talk, do you think that everyone speaks in a bad tone, you feel sorry for your mother (or father), and you are embarrassed and uncomfortable for them?
The so-called "disturbing the relationship between families" is to help all parties realize their own needs, help them recognize what is happening between them, and also help them understand what kind of relationship exists between the child's problems and the whole family system, and promote small changes and adjustments in each member, and eventually small changes will become big changes.
06
As a parent, you need to be close, supportive, and restrictive
Parents need to have a sense of adjusting their posture in the process of getting along with their children.
But there are some parents who adjust their posture too quickly, from one extreme to another. For example, the "three high parents (high expectations, high requirements, and high control)" who were very strict before, suddenly became parents who "everything is up to their children" after their children were diagnosed with depression or anxiety. If you don't want to go to school, you can't go to school, you can do whatever you want, which makes the child a little confused.
This may be due to the fact that there are more black and white parts in the parents' own personality traits, which are inelastic and their inner emotional strength is relatively weak. For this part, parents also need to be seen and supported.
As I said, teenagers are in a period of great change. As adolescents transition from a child to an independent adult, they need to have a "responsible parent" present as they transition to an independent, assertive, and self-determined state.
Some parents let their "mentally diagnosed" child do whatever he wants, and the child may literally spend all night playing on his mobile phone, playing games, and spending huge sums of money on virtual props – and this is also a teenager.
As a parent, you need to be close, supportive, and restrictive. You need to have some flexibility, but at the same time you can't completely let go, because your child's heart is also very hungry for parental care. The process of finding this right spot can be very difficult and very long.
However, we say that parents should "restrain inappropriate behavior" and not let parents hit their children.
You really can't hit a child.
It occurred to me that there were many high-achieving adult visitors who would tell about being beaten as a child. From a secular point of view, their social achievements are indeed very high, such as earning a lot of money or having a high rank, but they generally have some low-level self-identity problems, such as often feeling bad and bad, and they will also fall into a state of extreme anxiety and depression at certain stages.
This is also a consequence of violence. Perhaps hitting a child will not have an intuitive negative result, but the damage of violence to a person's soul may burst out in a thick and thick way.
▷ "Heart-to-Heart Consultation"
In addition, I think that even if you are restricting your child from doing certain things, "emotional support" is very important.
Some parents will spend time with their children in the way they think is right. They will mechanically search for some articles on the Internet and say: You can accompany your children to eat and travel, this is companionship.
But do we really ask the child what they feel is what the child needs, and what is that part of the family that they need?
Some kids really just need a little less of a blow. When you see a little bit of progress in the TA, give some positive feedback, that's enough. Maybe an adolescent girl who feels satisfied that she can share something interesting in her life with her mother. Once empathy is expressed to the child, the child will feel better and he will feel that he is being seen again.
However, every child needs different things at every stage of life. At the age of 11-14, even every six months, the needs of the TA will be different, which actually requires parents to be very patient to understand.
Even if parents think that their child's "needs" are not appropriate, they can first understand and see the child's needs (for example, tell the child in a verbal way: Mommy sees that you are eager to be like your sister and needs Mommy to accompany you), and then decide whether to "satisfy" or how to "satisfy it to a limited extent"?
We really can't provide some "super-intellectual" "prescriptive" answers to parents exactly what to do.
But if this interview can prompt some reflective parents to think more about their responsibilities, I think it will be worth it.
Written by: Cover of Jianghu: "Autumn Sonata"