A while ago, my mother-in-law grabbed me and said that my second child, who is more than 5 years old, is "amazing" again.
I said what's wrong, she said that in the morning my father-in-law and Xiaoyu talked about wetting the bed the night before, and I saw that Xiaoyu was very calm:
"Grandpa, that was yesterday, yesterday has passed, it's all today, why do you still mention it?"
Then this year's Harbin fire, my mother-in-law took a friend to play, and by the way, she went back to her hometown to visit relatives and friends.
Xiaoyu asked, "Grandma, when are you coming back?"
I don't know yet.
Xiaoyu looked at her grandmother seriously and said, "The Spring Festival is a day of reunion. ”
My second child does have a bit of a "superpower" sometimes, and he doesn't seem to have been taught his emotional intelligence and ability beyond his age, and he can coax everyone into obedience in a very silky and flattering way, even if he wants to be angry with him, it's not easy to get angry.
Funny once, my parents came to my house, and it was said that they quarreled because of something.
3 or 4-year-old Xiaoyuer, who actually frowned, knew how to go up to pull the rack, and persuaded them separately, and couldn't fix it for grandparents. No more noise.
In contrast, the boss is stepping on all kinds of "lightning points" that I know or don't know:
Her temper sometimes comes and goes, often giving me a feeling of "what's wrong with you, you're angry";
She doesn't seem to know how to "observe words and looks", and she usually wants adults to appease her when she has emotions;
What she wants has been rejected or criticized, and the tears come so quickly, and she can't talk too much to her or be angry.
You are just now, she is stronger than you, you said this is not right, you are still crying, she covers her ears, you soften, she slowly loses her breath......
You said that they were two babies born to me, why are the styles so different.
But in fact, with more and more psychological learning and awareness, I understand that these two children are my mirror, and what I see is also me:
Xiaoyuer is more like me when I was a child, and I will unconsciously be a little adult who is good at balancing various relationships.
Xiao Yezi is more like the opposite of what I didn't live out when I was a child, but I was envious:
I am the smallest, you are the greatest, it is not me who will take care of you, it is you who will take care of me.
In the face of adult reactions and conflicts, she doesn't care, but the coping strategy is more "childlike":
What can a child do? What can't be done. So adults just take care of their own business, and I don't get involved.
I vividly remember that when I was 7 years old, I went to a classmate's house, and watched my classmate's parents quarrel in front of us, and this classmate and I stood in the corner and watched.
But the classmate just froze in place, and looked at me with a smile and looked at my parents who were arguing, and it was really relaxed, as if for her, this matter had never been related to her-
That was the first time I knew: Oh, doesn't every child have to rush up to make them stop arguing and reconcile when their parents quarrel?
My three views are really a bit shocked.
slow
Therefore, it is not difficult to foresee who among the two children in my family will be more likely to be my "problem" and "challenge", and who will always give me healing and energy.
But after a long time, I have come to understand that looking at things is not always the same perspective, and that the two children each have their opposite parts, and together, they are the whole me.
Through their very different patterns, they are waking me up to see and embrace the little girl who once had forgotten her suppressed fears, my inner child.
On the one hand, I am a child who knows how to read words and feelings, is very kind and values harmony;
On the one hand, I can also be a pure child, safely blowing my temper and trusting my parents to solve their own problems, and I don't have to worry about everything.
Both are me, both are part of the whole me.
If I don't see the opposite, or black and white, binary opposition, I will make it clear to the team, declare who is right and who is wrong, and often try to correct the "wrong" child.
But in fact, they are all right, when I no longer have conflicts within me, and I can accept that "sensible, ignorant" and "worrying, not worrying" are all me, they will gradually merge with each other.
Because I no longer subconsciously "praise" my brother and "criticize" my sister, but see:
The younger brother can also lose his temper more and be more willful, and the sister doesn't need to prove that she has the right to lose her temper, so this "plot" can also slowly fade away.
Recently, I have been talking to many families, and I have realized that they all have similar experiences to mine. Take a look at it in your home:
Which of your children, or what things about your children, are more likely to arouse your emotions?
Do you tend to "favor" who you like and who you hate, which part you like and which part you hate?
Don't "roll" children, every child will be extremely loyal to their parents subconsciously, and use their best to "send letters" for us.
By accepting them and becoming aware of them through emotions and feelings, the child will complete this part of the task and will be able to devote more attention and energy to developing himself.
It is also an invitation from our lives, to which we did not have the resources and the ability to respond back then, and now we are slowly opening up to them.
Welcome our inner children of different ages home and with love, compassion, and strength to become their own "regenerative parents".
The greatest support for children is actually to see and heal themselves, let children be children at the age of children, and let adults be parents in the state of adults.
But don't be in a hurry, don't be too violent to yourself, realize this, and we're already on our way home. Let's grow together :)
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Author: Gigi. Co-founder of WeChat public account "Slow Growth", Erbao Mom, a registered positive discipline parent/school lecturer in the United States, a former senior media person in Hong Kong, now lives in Shenzhen. The pursuit of a long stream, but also love to be brave and diligent, love to sing, love life, love self-management, and are willing to grow slowly with the baby.