Depreciation can destroy a child, praise can make an idiot a genius!

Some time ago, I went to a parent-teacher meeting for children, at which the teacher asked the child to "complain" about his parents, and one of the girls, as soon as she came to the podium, began to sob, and loudly complained about her mother:

"You always compare me with other classmates, why do you never see my efforts?"

As a result, her mother responded coldly: "Actually, I've been constantly hitting you, with your character, if you don't blow, you will float." ”

When the girl wiped her tears and said that her character was not suitable for blowing.

Mom, but still insisted on her own thoughts, "When you're strong, I think I'm going to shoot, and when you're weak, I feel like I'm going to push you." ”

The girl found that no matter what she said, she couldn't convince her mother, so she walked off the stage crying.

How many children, like this little girl, have been hit by their parents from childhood to adulthood.

Marshall Luxemburg, a well-known psychologist, said:

"We may not think that the way we talk is violent, but language does often cause pain for ourselves and others. ”

Many parents always ignore this point, and they unscrupulously hit, ridicule and even abuse their children.

But I never thought that although verbal violence is not offensive to the body, it is offensive to the heart, and the damage index is particularly amazing.

Verbal aggression is just as harmful as physical abuse

How much does verbal violence hurt children?

In fact, the vast majority of parents truly love their children, but they often inadvertently use verbal violence against their children.

When parents want their children to become successful and their children's behaviors cannot meet their parents' expectations, parents may "casually" say "why are they so stupid" and "how can they not use their brains when doing problems".

However, have you ever thought that a parent's casual words of belittling and ridiculing the child can have a strong tremor in the child's heart?

Some children have a more extreme and stubborn personality, and they will amplify these inadvertent words of their parents, thinking that their parents have hurt their self-esteem, resulting in an angry and rebellious psychology (although it may not be manifested at the time), this bad psychology will affect the child's treatment of others, and the child may become a cynical or even vicious person in the future.

And some children have an introverted and submissive personality, once they are subjected to verbal violence by the people she trusts the most, their parents may turn their ridicule and abuse into a psychological suggestion, thinking that I am a stupid person, I am a lazy person, I am useless and unpopular......

This kind of self-denial, doubt, and negativity makes it impossible for children to better handle healthy relationships. Over time, children may develop mental illnesses such as depression and mania.

Psychologists believe that small psychological changes in educators, if manifested in the face and tone, or even in mocking abuse.

Invisibly, a negative psychological field will be formed, and the powerful radiation of this psychological field will change the child's perception of the world.

Therefore, some words that parents think are inconsequential and inadvertent can be devastating to their children.

Don't be a "black hole", be a "luminary" parent

Speaking of which, there must be some parents who will have questions, so how should we "say" to our children?

I don't know if you've ever heard of two words, one is a "black hole body" parent, and the other is a "luminous body" parent.

And what we have to do is to become a "luminous" parent.

What do "luminary" parents look like?

Let me give you an example:

There is a first-grade child who did 5 arithmetic problems, 4 of which are correct, only one, the child miscalculated "1 + 3" into "5", in the face of this situation, the parents of the "black hole body" only saw the wrong question, and then angry: "It's not right to be so simple, are you not studying hard", the child was scolded so ashamed that his heart was only left with pain and grievances that he couldn't spit out.

The essence of parents may be to want to be "good for the child" and not to make simple mistakes.

But as Susan Foward puts it in her book Poisoned Parents:

Children will always believe what their parents say about themselves and turn it into their own ideas. At that time, the more the parents are afraid of something, the child will become. I wanted to spur the growth of my children, but it became a stumbling block, and the gains outweighed the losses.

Conversely, how do the parents of the "luminous" do?

She will gently say to the child, "You are really good to be able to get 4 out of 5 questions right." ”

Acknowledge what your child has done well, and then encourage your child to correct his mistakes so that he can do better next time.

In the eyes of children, such words are like the south wind, although soft, they can be turned into finger wrapping softness.

If you want something, you have to be sure of something. Because you affirm a certain behavior, that behavior is reinforced.

Why are some children "excellent" in the eyes of their parents, and some children so "unbearable" in the hearts of their parents?

It is not that an excellent child is born perfect, but that he is nourished better and better under the love and acceptance of his "luminous" parents. Therefore, it is better to look at other people's children than to look at other people's parents.

If you want your child to "shine", let yourself become a "luminous body" first.

How to become a "luminous" parent?

Parents who want to be "luminous" have nothing to do with turning our fingers of accusation into thumbs and denial blows for understanding and trust.

What else can we do?

1. Observation 

Observation is the first step in nonviolent communication. Parents should make detailed observations of their children's behavior and state the results of their observations. The first step to good observation is not to define your child's behavior.

For example, when a teacher tells a parent that their child is not turning in homework, don't say to the child, "Why don't you do your homework again?"

Because as long as parents judge their children's behavior, it will cause rebellion in their children's hearts.

The observation without comment is "Why don't you do your homework?" This is an objective question, and the child will say that because the homework is too difficult, too much, or because he doesn't like the teacher, etc., the parent can move on to the next step of education.

2. Feelings 

Many parents like to rush to achieve results, but ignore their children's feelings.

For example, if a parent asks a child to clean the room, and the child is in a mood and spills water on the floor, he will say to the child, "Why are you so stupid, you can't do this little thing?"

This is a great harm to the child's feelings, maybe the child just wants to be lazy, but is labeled as stupid and incompetent.

At this time, parents and children should express their feelings, parents are to exercise their children's autonomy, educate children not to be so lazy, if the child is still unwilling, the attitude can be appropriately tough, but not indiscriminate accusations.

3. Understand why feelings are occurring 

Most parents, when they hear a word that they don't like, they will have three reaction options.

For example, when a child says to his mother, "Mom, your cooking is not delicious. ”

The first is anger, "I worked hard to cook for you, and I dare to dislike the unpalatable food." ”

The second is to shirk and accuse the other party, "Then I won't do it, you can do it yourself." ”

The third is to understand the child's needs, see if the child is uncomfortable, and if everything is normal, you should consider improving your cooking skills. 

Parents, don't always be presumptuous, and find out the real needs of their children through communication.

4. Make specific requests 

Tell your child clearly what you want them to do.

For example, when the child goes out to grind, the mother usually says to the child: "Can you hurry up, always grinding, every time you have to rush you, let people wait for you." ”

This is not a specific request, but a disguised criticism and a moral kidnapping that exploits the child's guilt.

Children, when they hear this, will have a strong rebellious mentality and continue to take it slowly.

In this case, the mother should say to the child, "We're going to be late, let's go out in five minutes." "That's what makes a specific request for the child.

It is never easy to communicate well with children, after all, children and parents have many years of life experience.

Many things that seem easy to parents are very difficult for children.

This requires parents to be more patient, carefully observe their children's behavior, carefully feel their children's psychology, analyze their reasons, and then put forward specific requirements for their children.

Write at the end:

The deep need of human nature is the desire to be appreciated and praised.

Whether a child has self-confidence or low self-esteem often depends on what his parents say to him and what kind of education he has given him.

The belittlement and suppression of parents seems to be "for your good", but in fact they are destroying the child's self-esteem and making him live in fear of self-doubt and self-denial all his life.

And the recognition and encouragement of parents will become the light in the children's lives, and accompany them to grow up to be what they like.

As Drex, one of the founders of Positive Discipline, said:

"A child who misbehaves is a child who is not encouraged. The more encouraged a child is, the better and healthier his or her personality will be. ”

May all parents encourage you!