Doctors advise depressed girls to "break off", how terrible it is for parents who have no sense of boundaries
A few days ago, there was a topic that rushed to the hot search, a girl with severe depression was advised by a doctor to "break off her family".
Image source: Weibo
Nowadays, more and more young people do not want to endure the urging of relatives to marry without a sense of boundaries, and do not want to continue to suffer from the harm of their original family, so they decide to make a "physical separation" with their relatives and regain control of their own lives.
In the hit drama "Hometown, Don't Come Unharmed", the image of "parents without a sense of boundaries" was dramatically amplified, which resonated with countless young people.
When she was a child, the heroine's mother often broke into her locked room at random, rummaged through her desk, looked at her diary and photo album, and forced her to ask why she took pictures with boys. When the heroine shows dissatisfaction, she will say disdainfully: "How can the little doll have privacy?"
After the heroine grew up, her parents opened her express without permission, thinking that "helping you get the express back and open it is not saving you trouble?"
Netizens sighed: "Parents who have no sense of boundaries are really suffocating!"
Image source: TV series "Hometown, Don't Come Unharmed"
However, while young people feel suffocated, parents also feel aggrieved. In their opinion, everything they do is to help their children and for their good.
We can't help but wonder why there is such a big difference in the feelings between parents and children, and is the lack of a sense of boundary in the hearts of parents a principled matter in the hearts of children, or is it a "trivial" in the eyes of parents?
01
Contemporary Parental Choking Behavior: Lack of a Sense of Boundaries
A short video blogger shared her story online. Since she was a child, her mother has a strong desire to control her study and life, and her planning of her children's time is accurate to the hour, so that she does not have a moment of respite.
Under her mother's crazy chicken baby, although she was admitted to a good school, her relationship with her parents was very weak and she always wanted to leave home. Later, she got a job after graduating from college, and although she was in the same city as her parents, she still insisted on moving out and living on her own.
Unexpectedly, my mother would come to her rental house every three days, sometimes to help her clean up her room, and sometimes to bring her some food.
Image source: unsplash.com
This behavior disgusted her very much, and once, when she made it clear that she had already eaten dinner and did not want to eat dumplings again, her mother still came to her house with cooked dumplings and put them directly in the refrigerator.
This time, she finally broke out and had a big fight with her mother, not allowing her to enter her house again.
Parents who have no sense of boundaries do their children the greatest harm is to make them extremely resistant to their parents psychologically, but they have no way back, so they can only break with their parents with endless quarrels and draw a cruel end to family affection.
Another extreme example comes from a colleague. She also lives in a family that lacks a sense of boundaries, but she is used to being arranged by her parents, and although she sometimes feels uncomfortable, she doesn't know how to resist.
Under the arrangement of her parents, she went on a blind date and fell in love with a boy of a similar age, and now she is almost 30 years old, but she is still reluctant to get married, because she feels that she doesn't like that boy very much.
Image source: TV series "Two Conjectures of Marriage"
"If you don't like it, you will break up! Do you want to keep him for the New Year?" I said I couldn't understand my best friend's approach.
Unexpectedly, my best friend felt that although her boyfriend was not the type she liked, she could help her arrange the trivial things in her life, "If I leave him, I don't know what else I can do, I may not find a better boyfriend." ”
Children who grow up in families that lack a sense of boundaries will also unconsciously repeat their past intimate relationships in their future lives, and find a controlling other half without a sense of boundaries.
Even if they have left home, their minds will always be children, and it is difficult to shake off the imprint of the family.
02
Parents who have no sense of boundaries do not want their children to grow up
There is a good saying: "The real growth of a child begins with the withdrawal of parents." ”
Many parents behave without a sense of boundaries because they don't want to withdraw from their child's life.
When children are young, they lack the ability to take care of themselves, and they eat and live with their parents, which on the surface seems that the children need their parents, but at the same time, the parents are also emotionally dependent on the children.
Image source: TV series "Kim Ji-young born in 82"
When the child grows up, he will have his own sense of independence and establish his own life circle, at this time, parents should let go in a timely manner and allow the child to have his own life.
If parents refuse to let their children leave them, they can't psychologically accept their children's growth, and they may try their best to squeeze into their children's lives, which is often referred to as "no sense of boundaries".
My girlfriend told me the other day that there is an unwritten rule in the house that family members must take a shower at the same time.
When her mother thinks it's time to take a bath, she sets a schedule for the family, such as 7 to 9 p.m., in the order of Dad, Mom, her and her brother.
Even if the girlfriend has already taken a bath in her own home, she will still be asked to take a bath together when she returns to her parents, and no one can take a bath if they don't take a bath at the same time as the family.
Image source: TV series "Ode to Joy 2"
This outrageous demand is just one of the many house rules she needs to follow, and as she grows up, she is forced to endure her parents' unbridled intrusion, as if she is a marionette who doesn't need much thought, and only needs to live according to her parents' plans.
As soon as she tried to rebel against these house rules, her mother would scream and ask her, "Why are you disobedient now?
In the eyes of parents who have no sense of boundaries, children never need to grow up and will not grow up.
03
What exactly is the sense of boundary that young people expect?
When young people discuss the sense of boundaries, the older generation is still confused: why do they want to care about their children, but they have become adults who have no sense of boundaries in their children's mouths?
This brings us to what the sense of boundary in the child's eyes really means.
Behaviorally, a sense of boundaries is to let children "do their own things". From unpacking the courier and tidying up the room, to finding a job, getting married and having children, parents without a sense of boundaries interfere in everything, and parents with a sense of boundaries let their children do it themselves and decide by themselves.
Psychologically speaking, the sense of boundary is to respect the child's spiritual will as an individual, and to see the child as an independent and complete person, a person who exists without being dependent on his parents.
Such children can have their own ideas, can live the life they want according to their own wishes.
Image source: TV series "Hometown, Don't Come Unharmed"
To put it more bluntly, parents' sense of boundaries is to admit that they will also grow old, and when they will be powerless, they will withdraw from their children's lives and find that their children do not need themselves so much.
Writer Carol Gibran once said, "Parents only give their children physical, and they should not pretend to be spiritual parents of their children." ”
This is perhaps the best answer to the "sense of boundaries". When parents truly understand this, even if their children no longer draw a clear line on their own lives, parents will not easily intrude into their children's lives.