How simple and rough you are to your child, how fierce your child's rebellious period will be

Author: Main creative group · Maki Qingye

I saw a video online:

A mother watched her child take a vacation for 2 months without turning a book, and played at home with a tutoring machine every day.

For a while, his emotions were out of control, and he dropped the tutoring machine to the ground again and again. Finally, smash the machine that has fallen to pieces into the trash.

During the whole process, the child next to him covered his ears, too frightened to speak, and only stared at his mother in horror.

After the video was posted online, some netizens expressed their understanding:

"Parents are also ordinary people, which is really infuriating."

"Undetermined children do need beating and supervision."

"Some children just can't manage it, and my son was like this when he was in the fifth grade, and I was so angry that I dropped my phone."

Some netizens questioned:

"This parent has emotional problems, will not teach the child to arrange the time reasonably, and blame the child in turn."

"Emotional babies, doing so will leave a psychological shadow on the child."

"It doesn't solve anything, it makes the child more fearful and rebellious."

As a mother, in fact, can especially understand this mother's approach, in the process of raising children, who has not had one or two times when emotions are out of control?

This way of educating children by "mood" and "emotions" has been used by many people to a greater or lesser extent.

Moreover, for mothers who often rely on emotions to solve conflicts, sometimes no matter how much reason they tell their children, they can't resist the effect of yelling a few words and scolding.

I once read a sentence: "First-class mothers solve problems with wisdom, second-class mothers solve problems with resources, and third-class mothers solve problems with emotions." ”

As questioning netizens said, the fundamental problem with this method of education is:

In addition to venting emotions, it does not solve the root of the problem.

In the end, I can only hurt myself and hurt my child.

Behind all the emotions that are out of control is a long-term repression

Professor Chu Yin once said in an interview:

"Women give too much, especially after having children. Women's anxiety is objective. ”

As he said, what really crushes mothers is the countless pressures they carry.

And these pressures come from unmet needs.

For example, the lack of care and companionship from the partner, the lack of good sleep for a long time, the nurturing responsibility given by society to the mother, the problems of the original family, the dedication of the mother...

Each of them is the last straw that crushes my mother's emotions.

It is not so much that the mothers do not control their emotions, but that the repressed emotions accumulated, were touched by an opportunity, and all burst out.

Dong Yuhui once choked up when talking about his mother in the live broadcast room:

"Before Mom became a mom, she was also a little girl.

She also had her own dreams, her own joys and sorrows, and her own life. But because she became a mother, she became uncool. ”

Some people say that the child is a snail, and it is necessary to lead him for a slow walk; But the mother is like a snail, with a soft body and a heavy shell on her back.

Every mother who is out of control of her emotions has already scarred her back.

It is not emotions that are vented, but helplessness and despair in life and yourself.

The worst emotions, given to those who love the most

Recently saw an infuriating video:

The mother in the video flipped through her husband's phone while he went to take a shower.

After looking at the phone, he suddenly turned around and said cruelly to the child behind him who was writing homework:

"Don't make me angry, talk to me again and I'll kill you!"

The high praise comment speaks the hearts of many people:

"Adults' fault, don't take children for it."

Obviously, he was angry after reading his husband's mobile phone, but he took his anger out on the innocent child next to him.

The child became a catharsis for her bad emotions.

A friend once talked to me about how her daughter grew up in a trash can for her bad mood. She often reincarnates in loss of control—regret—introspection—and continued loss of control.

Until one day, after arguing with her family, she lay on the table and cried aggrievedly.

After crying, she found that everyone else had slammed the door and walked out, and only her daughter had been by her side.

Seeing her sit up, her daughter hugged her busily: "Mom, don't cry, I'll listen to you in the future." ”

From that moment on, she said she never wanted to be angry with her daughter again.

Because she found that when she lost control of her emotions, others would run away, and only the child would suffer in silence.

"What you can hurt is always the person who loves you the most."

Your bad mood should not be paid for by your children.

Don't love your child with your heart, but in the end you hurt your child with bad emotions.

All your bad emotions will be eaten back in your child's adolescence

Some psychologists have found that emotionally unstable parents will basically have these 15 imprints on their children:

Mothers are the closest caregivers of many children growing up, and a mother who often loses control of her emotions will only cause more harm to her children.

When children are unable to deal with the emotional problems of their mother and themselves, the only thing they can do is to suppress themselves and endure everything.

The book It's Not Your Fault states:

Children who have experienced physical, verbal, and emotional abuse in childhood internalize this abuse as "shame," which affects their self-perception and self-judgment, such as thinking they are flawed and not good enough.

And if you can't find a way to reconcile with childhood trauma, it's easy to go to two extremes.

One is the inward venting of emotions, the disintegration of will, unconditional obedience and dependence on parents;

One is to vent emotions outward, hate parents, and become paranoid.

Adults' emotions are out of control, bringing about the lack of security of children, because there is no sense of security, so they will lose trust in their parents and themselves.

And these problems meet adolescence, and will break out more intensively.

As Professor Li Meijin concluded:

"Before the age of 10, how simple and rough you are to your child, after the age of 14, how fierce the child's rebellious period comes."

All the manifestations of the child's rebellious period are the result of the accumulation of various previous parenting styles.

Every one of your "emotions came up, I didn't hold back for a while", "I'm not for the good of my children", "Who let him not listen to me", will become a thunder for the child's adolescent rebellion.

The mother's emotional stability is the greatest luck for the child

Seen such a sentence:

"Kind parents are the treasure of the child's heart, and the respect and encouragement you have given will heal the child's entire life."

Emotionally stable mothers can raise sunny and positive children.

How to balance your emotions in parenting stress and anxiety, you can try these 4 methods:

1. Before your emotions get out of control, find out the real fuse

Every time an emotional outrage is out of control, there is a trigger.

For example, if it is an inducement that has nothing to do with the child, it is best not to transfer the anger to the child.

But if the trigger is related to the child, you can first find out the real reason behind the child making you angry.

For example, if the child does not write homework well, perhaps the homework is difficult. The child does not study well, maybe his own learning ability is not strong, the child does not do what you say, maybe he has his own ideas in his heart ...

If there is a problem, first find the reason behind the problem, and then go and solve the problem with the child.

When the problem is solved, the emotions are naturally digested.

2. Don't let yourself live as an island

There is a saying that says:

"Behind every mother who is out of control, there is an absent dad."

Observing many mothers around me, I found that those mothers who are prone to emotional instability have one thing in common: almost all the burden of parenting is on her alone.

Then, in addition to a few special cases, the father shares more parenting responsibilities at home, and the mother appropriately delegates power to the father, which is the best solution.

As Qian Zhongshu and Yang Wei's daughter Qian Yuan said:

"Dad and mom are like the child's right arm, and both arms work together to protect the child to go further."

3. Love yourself first, and then love your children

Actor Zhu Zhu once said:

"A healthy and happy mom is the foundation of a good mom. Only by allowing yourself to have a good body, good emotions, and being a mother who knows how to love herself can you have the ability to love your children and the people around you. ”

Especially for adolescent children, the more you manage, the more you make mistakes.

It's better to put energy back on yourself.

Because, a mother who knows how to love herself is sunny and positive.

And this full of positive energy will have the most beneficial impact on the child invisibly.

4. Smart mothers know how to resolve emotions by themselves

Psychological counselor Huang Shiming once said:

"The highest level of emotional intelligence for adults is to put down their bad emotions."

Truly wise mothers never treat their children as adults' emotional waste stations, but will find their own ways to vent bad emotions.

For example, go out for a walk, do a meditation, participate in sports, develop a few small hobbies for yourself...

Dr. Ronald, an expert on emotion management, once said: "Anger often lasts no more than 12 seconds. ”

Whenever a bad mood comes, give yourself a break and stop.

Wait for the negative emotions to calm down, and then use a better state to set off.

Written at the end,

Seen this passage:

"Be less angry with the child, you love him to the bone, and yell at him desperately."

After the collapse, he healed himself, and after self-healing, he regretted it, but forgot that he was still just a child.

They will be happy for a few years, and when they grow up, they will become you, and they will also hurt and suffer, just like us now. ”

The most precious gift parents give their children is a happy childhood that does not have to live in fear and grows up with peace of mind.

What kind of emotions you use to raise children, what kind of life the child will have.

And a mother who can control her emotions is the greatest blessing in this child's life.