#挑战30天在头条写日记#
Everyone says to stay away from the person who creates internal friction, but it is obvious that the person who is creating internal friction is my mother.
Am I going to stay away from her?
Maybe deep down I really had the idea of running away from my mother, but I knew that wherever I fled, there would be a pair of mournful eyes on my head. Those eyes made me sleepless.
My body can escape, but the condemnation in my heart will be like a stick hanging over my head, it will stay with me for the rest of my life, and I will not be at peace for the rest of my life.
The eldest brother left, and the small courtyard returned to silence. Habitually looking up at the sky, the black curtain is inlaid with stars, shiny and attractive to the eye.
"Mom, there are so many stars here, so bright." Niu Zheng said next to me.
"Of course, there aren't as many lights as the city." I say.
"The sky here is different from our family's, isn't it?" Niu Zheng said again.
"It's the same, it's just different on the ground."
"But I think it's different."
"The sky is the same as the sky, but there are more lights on the ground, and the stars in the sky lose their light in our eyes." After saying this, my heart suddenly jumped, maybe my mother has always been like that, but because I have changed, therefore, my mother in my eyes is different.
If I were a child like Niu Zheng, would my mother be what I see in my eyes now? Because I can't do without her, I need her, and I will definitely beautify and trust her.
I have to say that in the emotional treatment of my mother, I am more and more confused, like walking into a maze, and I can't see her face more and more clearly.
I even doubted that my mother really loved me, and I sometimes even hated her for treating me as her accessory and trying to get out of her control.
I have beautified her, ugly her, praised her, been touched by her, hated her, blamed her, and disliked her.
Love or hate, you can't forget her wherever you go.
"Mom, let's go inside, I want to sleep." Niu Zheng took my hand and said.
I leaned down, looked at Niu Zheng's shining eyes in the dim light, felt warm in my heart, held his hand tightly, and walked towards the house.
If every mother is a child's day, I don't know what kind of sky scene I will leave in Niu Zheng's heart in the future, but I want to always shelter him and give him the best wishes.
The morning started the day with the sound of my mother's swearing.
It turned out that at night, Dad got up and pooped three times at night, and Mom didn't sleep well and was directly collapsed by Dad.
She scolded her father for not showing up, she scolded herself for marrying into the old Niu family, she scolded her grandparents, she scolded the ancestors of the old Niu family, she scolded all the people of the old Niu family, she scolded the four children she gave birth to, and all those surnamed Niu were the root cause of her miserable life.
Dad hung his head in a good temper, and he probably did feel that he had done something wrong with his mother when he was younger.
After a long marriage, Dad couldn't let go of the woman, and although he hadn't touched her hand, he still had the woman's place in his heart for a long time after marriage.
Dad also let mom get pregnant more than four times, more than once miscarried, he let mom give birth to four children, each time she got pregnant, Dad didn't take good care of mom, and every time he gave birth, he would prick a new thorn in mom's heart, which dad and grandma pierced into together. For example, during the confinement, the mother has to go hungry, the grandmother does not take good care of it, and the father does not care about the mother's inner feelings, all of which accumulate into scars in the long river of the mother's life.
When her mother was young, she endured a lot of hardships, she was hardworking, diligent and thrifty, and tried to be a good wife and mother.
I have to say that whether my father at that time was unintentional or intentional, he was a vested interest. He acquiesced to the family's unfair treatment of his mother, he was the main source of her suffering, he was a good son, but not a good husband, and he did not take on the responsibilities of a father.
I hated my mother's swearing, but I didn't sympathize with my dad either, he was also to blame, and the debt had to be paid.
After breakfast, I led Niu Zheng to a nearby pond to catch tadpoles, leaving my parents to settle their grudges.
Remember when I was young, when my mother had a conflict with my father, she would treat her child as an object of confiding, as a judge, and as a spiritual refuge for her to seek comfort.
But I don't want to do anything now, I don't have that ability, I just want to escape.
After wandering outside all morning, until the sun was scorching and I couldn't hide from the heat in the shade, I went home with Niu Zheng.
When I got home, my mother was hunched over and pulling small rape in the field, and when she heard us come back and raise our heads, the ravines and ravines on our faces were full of beads of sweat.
"You still know to come back? It's noon, don't eat? Your dad has long shouted that he is hungry! Mom said angrily.
I stuck out my tongue, smiled and said, "My dad has been angry with you all his life, and still cook for him?" Starve him to death! ”
"You, you child, how can you say this about your father!"
"Mom, there is not a good person in the old Niu family, they all starve to death."
Mom rolled her eyes and wanted to say something, but crouched down again and continued to pull vegetables.
I pursed my lips and smiled for a while, and said to Niu Zheng, "Niu Zheng, let's go help my grandmother pull vegetables." ”
"I'm not going, the heat is dead!" As soon as Niu Zheng turned around, he ran towards the house.
"This is also uncooked! The nephew is the dog at the doorstep of the girl's house, and he will leave when he is full! Mom said indignantly.
"Mom, Niu Zheng raised his eyebrows for you, didn't you think that the four children were born to the old Niu family? Your daughter and I are not born with her father's surname. I said as I walked towards the canola field.
"His surname is Niu! It's not your old cow's yet! ”
"Mom, I mean that you are a working woman who is persecuted by feudal society." I said with a grin.
"Hmph, have you suffered my sin? If it weren't for your brothers and sisters, I would have died a long time ago. I suffer this sin. ”
"Mom, didn't you always praise children before? Why are we now a burden to you again? ”
"What's the use of fighting for anger? When I am old, there is no one who is waiting for me. ”
Mom's words left me speechless.
What if I say, am I not at home? She will definitely say, you have only been staying for a few days, and you will not be able to go back in two days?
If I say, come with me.
She would say, I'm not going, I'm not going anywhere.
"Mom, you go to the house, I'll do it." I say.
Mom straightened up with difficulty, and a few beads of sweat fell onto the dry ground.
At this time, Dad shouted in the house, "You let Mei dry, what are you basking in the sun?" ”
"Your dad is a mouth now, now see you coming, only to call me into the house, you don't come, he doesn't squeak."
Mom muttered and moved inside.
I looked at my mother's sweat stains on the ground and suddenly wanted to cry.
In my mother, I seem to see my future destiny.
When my mother was young, we praised her, praised her dedication, her selfless dedication, and when my mother was old, we disliked her, felt that she was selfish, did not think about her children, and allowed negative emotions to drown out, creating internal friction, and making people tired.
However, she used to be the best mother in our minds.
When I think about it, I get a little frustrated, I don't want to be a good mother anymore.
Sacrificing yourself for the sake of the child is destined to have more grievances and grievances in the days to come, and these grievances and grievances will eventually be returned to the child, just like a mirror, the grievances that have been experienced cannot be hidden, it is only a matter of time, when it is old enough, how unbearable and disgusting it will be presented to the child.
A mother who lacks love is like a barren land, and the children raised are doomed to be incompetent by nature.
I want to breathe a sigh of relief, I don't want to be a hard-working mother, trying her best to lift her child, except for touching myself, there is no benefit, but in the end it becomes a pain in the child's heart.
But I have no way back, who will take over this child.
After lunch, I sent a WeChat message to Zheng Xun, "Please pay attention to the education of your children, only if you work hard now, there will be no regrets in the future." ”
After a long time, Zheng Xun replied, "You just take care of yourself." ”
"You are Niu Zheng's father, and you have to take on the responsibility of being a father."
"You take your responsibilities and leave me alone."
"Why don't I care? Only the mother, the child's development will be unsound. ”
"So what's the way? He was born in this environment. ”
"You are simply a cold-blooded animal, and I have no way to communicate with you at all."
After I sent this WeChat, Zheng Xun never replied, I was so angry that my teeth itched, but I couldn't help.
