Psychologist Kenneth Clark once did the famous black and white doll experiment:
They randomly selected children and gave them black and white doll toys — identical except for their skin color.
Kenneth asked the children to vote for the "ugly" doll.
The results were surprising: 11 out of 16 children voted for brown-skinned dolls.
Some of these 11 children are even brown-skinned children.
Interestingly, white children are not "born" prejudiced against black children.
But even black children have "debasement" of them.
It turns out that black children form stereotypes about the color of their skin at the age of six or seven, but they themselves do not know it.
This experiment not only proves social injustice and discrimination, but also proves how the "environment" hidden in the heart affects human life.
We can't help but ask, who taught this 6-year-old black boy to be a "racist"?
From a Confucian perspective, our behavior is driven by strong biological instincts and external circumstances.
So, what is the impact of the first environment from birth: "family" on personality development?
Let's go back to the "origins" of life and explore what makes us who we are today.
How important is childhood for a person?
In the process of character formation, the first intimate experience comes from the relationship between parents.
Therefore, whether it is the concept of love, marriage or life, it subtly affects it.
Childhood memories will always warm you at some point, but they can also break your heart.
As writer Haruki Murakami, his father was a Japanese soldier who invaded China, and the traumatic effects of war are scattered in his work like puzzles.
"The Assassination of the Knights", "Kristallnacht", the place where the Nazis murdered Jews, "Kafka by the Sea" World War II background, "Norwegian Woods" anti-war sentiment.
Violence, violence, memory of war, legacy of crime.
The shadow of death around him still haunts my memory. It's one of the few things that has been missed, but it's the most important.
She refused to have children, refused to get involved in politics, rejected all right-wing ideas in Japan.
It wasn't until his father's death that Murakami finally accepted himself, which took up most of his life.
Another writer who suffers in the shadow of a child is Eileen Chang.
Many people like to study Zhang Ailing, thinking that he is the free movement of the Republic of China. As he said, "Every sentence you read is like walking on a piano that plays music."
Such a talented girl fell into Hu Lancheng's hands at the beginning. The answer is actually quite simple. Zhang Ailing was abandoned by her mother since she was a child, and was once deeply loved by her father, but later lost her father's love as her father found a new love.
Due to his strained relationship with his stepmother, his father even beat him. What you once had suddenly disappears, and you may spend your life trying to regain that sense of loss.
Father's love, care, and affection, as long as Hu Lancheng can give him, Zhang Ailing is like a moth to a fire. Immediately: "He became very low and low until he fell into the dust." ”
Zhang Ailing once resolutely ran away from home to find his biological mother, but his biological mother regarded him as a useless burden because of poverty.
Later, after becoming famous, he took two gold bars and severed his blood relationship with his biological mother.
At the same time, money is the only thing that creates security. Even her beloved Hu Lancheng refused to lend her money.
Haruki Murakami, who closed himself off because of his father's sins, finally finds a glimmer of relief after his father's death, and like the old man in the book who killed the leader of the knights, he was able to escape from the shadows.
Zhang Ailing has been obsessed with people older than him all her life. They long to feel needed, understood, cared for. He never cared about the gender of others, he was humble and confident.
"Many parents don't know their children, but their children see their parents all the time."
How do childhood experiences affect adulthood?
On the morning of November 26, 2009, Yang, a graduate student in Shanghai, was found hanging himself with a towel in the dormitory.
The reason for suicide is simple. The school does not allow mom to live in high school dormitory.
One might think that the cause of death is not important.
But sometimes the bounce isn't fast enough.
Yang left his father when he was six years old and has been dependent on his mother ever since. Due to family pressure, he had to start social work too early so that his younger brother could go to school.
And the mother never confirmed his behavior, but in some ways blamed "inaction" and "incompetence".
Family "disappointments", hostile atmospheres, and taking on family responsibilities too early can affect a person's self-esteem.
Self-esteem is the capital of our self-love.
And because Yang is always subjected to "blame" and "blow recognition," she rejects all intimate relationships that can help her exert pressure, such as friends and lovers.
In order to be recognized, he must improve himself.
Classmates said of her: "She is very strong, but also a little withdrawn, and never tells anyone about her difficulties. ”
The reality of life is that we are all weak, we cannot live alone at night and socializing is human nature.
A person who always pretends to be strong is actually fragile at heart, and it breaks when touched.
Yang felt that he had to work harder and take on more responsibilities than others to get his mother's approval. Behind people's desperate desire to be recognized is extreme self-loathing and the desire to regain lost self-esteem.
Under long-term chronic stress, even thick piles turn into rotting wood, and when the wind blows, they turn into dust - the "pile rust effect"
Depressed and very strict family environments can lead to various negative psychological patterns such as low self-esteem, negativity, pessimism, failure, and social distancing. And such a negative personality forms a "me" as a sub-personality in the human heart, which makes people's behavior irrational and leads to bad results.
Like biological instincts, they cannot be controlled.
In addition to the "blunt knife" that slowly destroys lives, there is also terrible naked violence in the family.
When my friend W was in elementary school, he was very active in class. He is very kind and cheerful, loves to laugh and talk.
But from high school, he became an introverted, sensitive personality.
And when you meet people for the first time, you will find that they sometimes lose their emotions for no reason and even have violent tendencies.
The first love he spoke of ended up hurting others. To protect the girl, he kicked the dormitory door and even threatened the girl.
Eventually, he was expelled from school and moved to another city.
After entering the community, we met again. At that moment he finally opened his heart to me. He said he received counseling for a year before he got out of the shadow of his childhood.
It turned out that when W was a child, his father beat his mother, often causing his mother to bleed.
His father would sometimes hit him with a stick for doing something wrong and push him down the stairs.
One day, my mother couldn't stand it anymore and swallowed the whole bottle of sleeping pills while my father was away.
Although her mother was later rescued, it became a shadow in her life.
There were empty bottles of sleeping pills, broken washing machines, chimneys, broken glass, and crumpled divorce settlements on the floor.
These broken family portraits woke him up several times, and eventually he turned into a centipede in his hand after sewing needle and thread.
He showed the terrible wound on his hand and said helplessly:
"The scariest thing and the reason I decided to go for counseling is that I get a lot of joy from violence."
Parents often use violence against their children, and children can easily use aggressive behavior to get pleasure as they grow up.
Women who are frequently abused can easily find male partners who also have abusive behavior in adulthood.
What is violence? Violence is the most irresponsible, incompetent, and despicable form of parenting.
Bad circumstances lead to bad behavior because people are determined by internal and external circumstances. Traumatic events, deaths, domestic violence and neglect can cause long-term trauma to children.
Because children's emotions are the fullest and richest, but at the same time they lack rationality when dealing with things and facing things.
It cannot be fixed immediately. This is the most serious disadvantage for children in the face of violence.
Being abused as a child is like being beaten by your parents for more than twenty years.
Being abandoned by your parents at a young age is as heartbreaking as losing the love of your life.
Therefore, a person's life is closely related to childhood.
People who lack parental and maternal love always prefer older partners;
Abusers always like to use violence to solve problems; People who don't feel anything may even be experiencing a personality disorder that they are not aware of.
It is very unfair for people to live in this world.
Some people are born without worries about food and clothing, and some people can only walk a dark path from birth.
Some people have happy families, while others think about how to escape from them.
What I'm trying to say is that life may not be fair, but it can be fair.
No one can decide who you are, and your past and present do not reflect your future.
Our scientific advances can now alleviate the pain caused by childhood contemplation.
For those with deep and small shadows, here's what you need to know.
1. First of all, you have to make it clear to yourself that some of your ways of acting and thinking are illogical!
Many people with traumatic memories tend to unconsciously project their initial memories as they grow up.
For example, threatening close people with violence, violence, etc., such as controlling, controlling, insecurity, unnatural autism, etc.
2. Once we understand the "abnormality" of our behavior, we need to know exactly which pattern of bad behavior we belong to.
Here you can take the MBIT personality test and SCL self-test.
It can give you a rough estimate, but it doesn't mean you really have symptoms, just a rough test for new conditions!
3. If you think your behavior is affecting your daily life, seek help from a professional counselor immediately.
After the diagnosis, be sure to tell them that it's not your fault and that you have no choice but to be that person.
In the process of correction, first learn to understand your heart, appreciate your emotions, accept your imperfect self step by step, and never give up.
Don't think that you are just a product of your parents, learn to face problems bravely, and be a brave person.
The humanistic view of psychology holds that people have the subjective initiative to reach their full potential, rather than being governed by their environment. So why not believe in yourself and with your own efforts and the help of others, you will gain a new life?
Be brave, face childhood trauma, and be a brave person in life.
I hope that every parent can learn and grow with their children. He is the person you love the most. Parenting is a skill that must be learned and practiced.
Let every child grow up healthy and happy. May you see the rainbow after the storm, and may you have good sailing in the muddy life.