#头条文章养成计划#
Author: Insight Apron Book
Writer Chen Zishan said: "Even if Zhang Ailing has not written a novel, her prose is enough to make her one of the best essayists of the twentieth century in China." ”
Her prose is more natural and dynamic than novels, but little is known.
"Rumors" is Zhang Ailing's most representative collection of essays.
In the book, she records her past and restores the difficulties of people in that era.
Netizens commented: "Zhang Ailing's pain is not dewy, often seems to be cold-eyed, but in fact knows the truth of the cold, warm and sad world and clutch gathering." A lifetime of joy is a rumor. ”
Originally thought that Zhang Ailing came from a famous family, had peerless talent, and was a proper winner in life.
However, after reading this book, I found that this kind of life full of halos is the real rumor for her.
Tearing open the enviable appearance, her life is full of bitterness and bitterness that cannot be seen.
It turns out that no one's life is easy, the long is suffering, and the short is life.
1
The misfortune of the family of origin
It is a shadow that cannot be left in a lifetime
Zhang Ailing was a famous family, her grandfather was Zhang Peilun, a famous minister of the late Qing Dynasty, and her grandmother was Li Hongzhang's daughter.
With a prominent family and a good life, she should be spoiled by the heart.
However, misfortune crawled like fine vines all over her childhood.
Zhang Ailing's father was an out-and-out loser, he smoked a lot, visited the green building, and was addicted to gambling, and within a few years he lost the family's assets.
My father spent a lot of time drinking, and my mother was very disappointed.
When Zhang Ailing was 4 years old, her mother left her to cross the ocean to pursue a new life.
After that, the father divorced and remarried, and with the intervention of the stepmother, the father-daughter relationship became extremely delicate and fragile.
In "Rumors", the conflict before the break between father and daughter is recorded.
Zhang Ailing went to live at her mother's house for two weeks, and when she came back, her stepmother became embarrassed and slapped her with her hand.
She just wanted to fight back, but her stepmother accused her of beating someone and added oil and vinegar to tell her father.
The father was furious, punched and kicked Zhang Ailing, and smoothly picked up a vase and smashed it at Zhang Ailing.
Zhang Ailing yelled to call the police, but her father simply locked her in the room.
It was not until half a year later, on a dark and windy night, that Zhang Ailing escaped with the help of the maid.
However, her father's hurt to her was like a hole in her heart, and blood gushed and stained her for the rest of her life.
That painful experience, firmly growing in her nightmares, became a haze that she could not get out of in her life.
"The Bond of Parents" writes: "In childhood, the influence of parents on children will continue until they reach adulthood, permeating all aspects of their way of thinking and speech and behavior. Some injuries will be buried in the depths of memory and stay with children for life. ”
Gentle and loving parents are the harbor of children's happiness, and bad native families need children to heal for a lifetime.
Parents' verbal stimulation, violent injury, indifference and selfishness will all engrave a deep imprint in the young heart.
We can only spend a lifetime licking the wound and then silently repair it into a cold and hard shell.
2
The bitterness of life is enough to taste it once
Zhang Ailing has loved beauty since she was a child, she said: "At the age of eight, I have to comb my head, and at the age of ten I want to wear high heels." ”
However, her parents' divorce completely shattered her dream of becoming a princess.
Don't say that wearing fashionable clothes is even a luxury of a decent new outfit.
Her stepmother treated her harshly, rarely bought her clothes to wear, and only let Zhang Ailing pick the leftover clothes she wore.
She could never forget a thin cotton robe worn by her stepmother.
The thin cotton robe was like the dark red of ground beef, and Zhang Ailing wore it on her body every day, smelling the disgusting smell left by her stepmother, and the sense of shame grew and fermented in her heart little by little.
She became more and more inferior, afraid to interact with people, blocked herself, and gradually became a withdrawn person.
Not having new clothes to wear is still a trivial matter, and for Zhang Ailing, the most difficult thing is reaching out to her parents for money.
She recalls in the book that she studied piano with a teacher, but her father never helped her pay her tuition.
The tuition fees were in arrears for a long time, and Zhang Ailing had to ask her father for it.
She stood in front of her father's tobacco shop for a long time, she carefully asked her father about the tuition, but her father was silent there and did not give Zhang Ailing any reply...
Later, Zhang Ailing defected to her mother who returned to China, but her mother hurt her no less than her father.
The mother had no income and lived on the sale of the dowry.
The arrival of Zhang Ailing has invisibly added a lot of pressure to her.
Every time she reached for money, her mother would count her down.
Zhang Ailing likes to dress up and read, and her mother even felt that the cost was too large, and proposed to Zhang Ailing that she could only choose between "dressing" and "reading":
"If you marry early, you don't have to study, and you will use tuition to dress yourself: if you continue to study, you will have no money left to take care of clothes."
In order not to worry and get angry with her mother, Zhang Ailing was able to save money and minimize expenses.
She open-source throttling and trying to use her talents to monetize.
She once made five dollars for a cartoon at the newspaper, and she immediately bought herself the lipstick she had long loved.
In order to fulfill her dream of studying, she fought hard for scholarships to reduce her mother's burden and improve her life.
Those days of reaching out and begging for money made Zhang Ailing bear countless cold eyes and grievances.
The bitterness and bitterness that could not be said swallowed her youth and forced her to quickly move from immaturity and vulnerability to independence.
Márquez said:
We tend to walk on this eternal journey of life, running in ups and downs, nirvana in setbacks, sorrow all over our bodies, and pain all over the place. We are tired but we can't stop it, we are bitter, but we can't avoid it.
When people come to this world, they will not suffer this kind of suffering, but they will suffer other burdens.
There are very few things that go well, and there are many bad things.
The bitterness of not having money, the exhaustion of earning money, all kinds of bitterness and hardship... They are like a big hand, forcibly holding you into the water, leaving you at a loss, suffocating and mad.
At this time, you can only be strong, take up a hundred times the strength to fight it, grit your teeth and slowly boil.
It wasn't until you broke free from the claws of suffering that you discovered that those difficult times, which once made you vulnerable, have now forged you into a poisonous place.
3
The bitterness of love makes people feel wounded all over the body
In the endless sea of suffering, for Zhang Ailing, if there is still a hint of sweetness in life, it may be love.
That year, 23-year-old Zhang Ailing met Hu Lancheng.
Seeing the other party's glance, she said:
Meet the person you want to meet among thousands of people, in the endless wilderness of time in thousands of years, not one step earlier, not one step later, just in time, then there is nothing else to say, but to ask softly, Oh, are you here too?
Zhang Ailing was instantly captured by Hu Lancheng's affair.
She put down her reservedness and quietly gave Hu Lancheng a photo, the back of which read: "Flowers bloom from the dust" to express her joy and love for Hu Lancheng.
Deeply in love, she didn't know that this was a marriage that didn't match.
Hu Lancheng is 14 years old and has been fighting in the Fengyue field for many years, and he is a veteran of the love field, and the peach news is constant, and people are not optimistic about his character.
But Zhang Ailing ignored the pressure of public opinion, like a moth to a fire, desperately thrown into Hu Lancheng's arms.
Like glue, they quickly entered the palace of marriage.
However, when the enthusiasm of the ear curls gradually cooled, Hu Lancheng's scumbag nature was revealed.
Not long after the marriage, Hu Lancheng held a private wedding with a nurse.
After the victory of the War of Resistance, people arrested traitors everywhere, and Hu Lancheng, who helped the Japanese to shake the flag and shout, fled everywhere for fear of being held accountable.
But even on the way to escape, he still did not forget to mingle with a local widow.
Zhang Ailing was worried about Hu Lancheng, who was fleeing abroad, and followed him all the way from far away.
But what she didn't expect was that Hu Lancheng already had a new love, and the other party also persuaded her to go three times to satisfy her lustful desires.
Zhang Ailing, who couldn't bear it, thought about it again and again and decided to quit this boring game.
She sent all the 300,000 manuscript fees she had saved to Hu Lancheng, and the two parted ways ever since.
The simple Zhang Ailing regarded love as a holy thing, but never expected that love was a poisoned arrow, and from the moment she was shot, she was destined to be in this love, full of holes and difficult to heal.
Scarred, she sighed and said, "Love is to drink poisoned wine with laughter." ”
The pain of life is difficult to overcome in love.
When you are obsessed with someone, you obsessively watch, wait hard, and lower the bottom line of self-esteem again and again.
But the lower the effort into the dust, the more it will not be truly delivered.
We are lost in the vortex of love, wandering in the hopeless jungle, unable to escape, deeper and deeper.
Only by letting go of this failed emotional investment and no longer having expectations can we not be hurt again.
Never love someone low to the dust.
Whether you are a red rose or a white rose, be brave to raise your head, love equally, and bloom your beauty to the fullest.
4
The suffering of loneliness, no one can speak
After the victory of the Anti-Japanese War, the wife of a traitor became a label that Zhang Ailing could not shake off in her life.
Readers criticized the marriage and rejected her work, causing her career to hit rock bottom.
With nowhere else to go, she went to the United States and continued to weave dreams with words.
However, her articles did not meet the tastes of the locals.
Articles can't be sold, there is no manuscript fee, and life becomes a problem.
In the midst of difficulties, the down-and-out writer Lai Ya extended a helping hand to her.
Laiya's care was like a light that illuminated her lonely heart.
Zhang Ailing thought that she had found a home for the rest of her life, but not long after getting married, Lai Ya suffered a stroke and was paralyzed in bed.
After 11 years of careful care, Raiya passed away.
Zhang Ailing is once again alone, and the only thing that accompanies her is decades of writing.
She folded her loneliness into a pen and worked on the paper of the years until the end came.
In 1995, 75-year-old Zhang Ailing, wearing a red cheongsam, lay quietly on a camp bed, ending her life of displacement.
She came alone, tasted everything, and then left alone.
Decades of long loneliness, no one can say.
She used words as a boat, wrote all the pathos of the world, crossed the loneliness and hopelessness, and finally withdrew indifferently.
She said:
The car of the times roared forward, and we sat in the car, passing perhaps only a few familiar streets, but we were also thrilled by the firelight. Everyone is like us, yet each of us is alone.
The sea of people is vast, and everyone is an island that cannot be approached.
No matter how many friends there are, there is still no one to say; No matter how good your loved ones are, some things have to be faced alone.
You must bear the secret hurt when you fail, the heartbreak when you are in pain, and the extreme despair of life, old age, illness and death.
Learn to reduce your expectations and dependence on others and get along well with yourself, so that you can truly adapt to loneliness.
Learn to please yourself, do what you like best, immerse yourself in it, have fun, and even if you are alone, you can live yourself and freedom.
5
The text of "Rumors" is condensed, but it is strong enough to penetrate the back of the paper.
It has the transparency to see through the world, and it also has a sobriety that ordinary people do not have:
When everything involves the question of happiness, you can't make a calculation. What is the competition? The long is the tribulation, the short is life.
Life is a collection of hardships and sorrows, and it is also a net woven by tribulations.
Throughout our lives, we cannot escape the clutches of fate.
The misfortune of the original family, the struggle of life, the despair of love... There are also desires that cannot be asked for and let go, like demons in the heart, constantly consuming us until we are exhausted and lonely.
Suffering runs through our lives, and everyone struggles and sinks in the sea of suffering.
Since life is suffering, why not loosen your bonds?
As Zhang Ailing said: "What you want to do, do it immediately, maybe it's too late, people are the most unbearable things." ”
Don't be disappointed by the past, don't worry about tomorrow.
Find joy in a bitter life, find a fulcrum in an unbalanced life.
Fate will brew all the suffering into a glass of sweet wine and give it back to you.
Give it a thumbs up and encourage your friends.