#头条文章养成计划#
Author: Insight Kaede
Don't give half of your bitterness to your children.
Counselor Wakasugi shared a story.
The 7-year-old son said to his mother very seriously:
"Mom, I think after giving birth to me, you won't have a good life at all."
The mother asks the child why. The son explained, with tears in his eyes:
"You have to get up early every day, take me to school on time, can't sleep all year round, take me to piano class, sometimes fight with my father over who sent me, and have to accompany me to homework when I go home." If it weren't for me, you and Dad would have had a very easy time! ”
The mother was stunned on the spot, she never thought that her son would feel like a burden.
Because of the pressure of work, my mother often told her son about the bitterness of life and the difficulty of making money.
The mother's original intention was to encourage her son to study hard and be considerate of his parents, but he did not expect that the son understood his mother's complaint as:
I am a burden to my mother, and I am the one who makes my mother so miserable.
I think of a mother who said, don't complain to your child casually, because your unintentional complaint will make the child form invisible pressure, and you never know what role such pressure will play.
The negative energy brought about by your complaints and complaints is a weight that the child's weak mind cannot bear.
01
Don't talk about the misfortunes of life
Some people on Zhihu asked: Parents often pour bitter water on their children, what impact does it have on their children's lives?
Netizen @Xiaochen said that in my mother's life full of complaints, I became the biggest victim.
When she was only five or six years old, her mother often poured bitter water in her ears:
Complained about the boss's various bad things, and then complained that grandma didn't help, dad didn't care about the family, and her three siblings didn't fight ...
Then he talked about how his life was suffering, what sins he had suffered in raising their children, what grievances he had endured, and what diseases his body had fallen from because of perennial suffering.
Mom said very sensationally, and from time to time she shed tears of grievance.
When she was young, she once felt that her mother was too bitter, and always thought that she should do something to bear this suffering.
But the reality is that she can't do anything, she can only fall into the powerlessness of saving her mother while being deeply poisoned by her mother's negative energy.
In this way, she became more and more depressed, and people became world-weary and pessimistic, and she was diagnosed with depression when she was in the second year of junior high school.
Until now, she still walks into the counseling room every month to heal her childhood wounds.
Psychology expert Li Xue said: Complaining to children about their misfortune is one of the most effective means to destroy children.
Yes, children are natural energy receivers.
Parents and children complaining is essentially a "pain transfer": transferring their anxiety, grievances, resentments, and dissatisfaction to their children.
When a child suffers from the spiritual strangling of his parents, his inner psychological energy will be exhausted.
Even if such a child is excellent in the future, he is deeply trapped in the quagmire of negative energy and cannot see the slightest bit of sunlight.
The bitter water poured by parents has finally caused the bitter fruit of the child's life.
02
Don't talk about family poverty
Tsinghua professor Peng Kaiping once said in an interview:
"If we tell our children that the family is 'lacking' and that we are not as good as others, it is actually an indoctrination of poverty. It can make the child feel a sense of psychological deprivation. ”
Parents love to cry poor, and it is difficult for children to raise their heads in life.
Xi Rui, a bizarre debater who grew up in a single-parent family, once revealed that the sentence he heard the most since he was a child was:
"There is no money at home, and it is not easy for your mother to raise you alone."
This phrase is a fact and a mantra that has followed him throughout his childhood.
So every time he followed an adult to the supermarket, he always looked down at the floor because he was afraid of seeing what he wanted.
Once he didn't hold back, he stared at a bottle of canned oranges for a long time, and touched it, and happened to be discovered by his grandmother.
Grandma hesitated for a while, but bought it anyway.
But on the way back, my grandmother muttered: This bottle of canned seven pieces of nine, enough for us to eat.
Xi Rui's heart was very unpleasant, that night, it was obviously a sweet can, but he only tasted bitter.
When he grew up, he worked hard to change his life and was not rich, but the fear of not having money was always there.
To this day, when he goes to a place of consumption, he feels uneasy as long as he doesn't bring more than 3 times the money with him.
Even, as long as he is not seriously ill, he will not go to the hospital.
In the face of others' kindness to him, his first reaction is not to be pleased, but to feel "I don't deserve it." ”
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: "Parents crying poverty to their children is not education, it is poisoning. ”
Parents and children cry poor, maybe just a casual complaint, but what children feel is an emotional oppression, so that children habitually suppress themselves, minimize needs or even dare not have.
Crying poor is not the child's desire to buy, but the child's cognitive boundaries.
In the end, the temporary lack of material things has become a long-term psychological barrenness for children.
03
Don't speak ill of your significant other
In the TV series "Little Huanxi", there is such a scene.
After Yingzi suffered from depression, the doctor hit the nail on the head and pointed out the crux of the problem, everything was related to the discord between Yingzi's parents.
"Saying bad things about each other in front of the child, first, will make the child strained the parent-child relationship with the other half. Second, it will make children lack identification and confidence in themselves...
Whether the mother says bad things about the father or the father says bad things about the mother, the child will subconsciously think that he is bad. ”
Yes, parents say bad things about their other half in front of their children, and it is always the children who pay.
In the movie "Son Trapped in the Heart", the protagonist Nicholas's mother is also a complaining person.
Because she had a lot of dissatisfaction with her ex-husband, she accused and cursed her ex-husband in front of Nicholas.
Nicholas was conflicted inside:
On the one hand, he was indeed abandoned by his father, and he felt lost in his heart;
On the other hand, he still loves and adores his father deeply, and longs for his return.
For his mother's continuous complaints, he bluntly said, "I feel like I was split in half."
At the end of the film, Nicholas ends his life with a gun in the bathroom.
As a parent, if you can't respect your other half, at least don't denigrate and accuse in front of your children.
Because every word you say to your other half, in fact, the gun is hit on the child.
04
Three stories, three children, let us see one fact:
For parents, it may be just a few casual complaints, but for children, the damage can last a lifetime.
Actor Lai Peixia once asked her soul: Why is happiness so difficult?
She said, when your mother is full of grief, do you dare to be happy?
Yes, parents are always complaining, and children dare not be happy.
Netizen @ My allowed mother likes to complain to her.
Growing up in this environment, whenever she eats something good or buys a new dress, she has to blame herself for a long time, and she feels that there is always a pair of mournful eyes staring at her and saying:
"I'm still suffering, how can you enjoy it?"
So, she always lives in pain.
Children who grow up in the bitter waters of their parents do not dare to live well or be happy, because in their opinion, this is a betrayal of their parents.
Therefore, their lives are often more difficult than ordinary people.
Seeing this, maybe some parents will say: Life is so hard, I can't complain about it, let the child be sensible?
I understand very well that parents who love to complain, life is not easy, everyone has a lot of difficulties and suffering.
But instead of breaking the suffering in half and giving half to the child, so that your suffering is still there, the child will continue to suffer.
05
The American poet Maya Angelou once said:
If you don't like one thing, change that thing, if you can't change it, change your attitude, don't complain.
The family is the first environment for children to grow up.
Your attitude towards others hides what your child will look like in the future.
Mo Yan mentioned in the article recalling his mother:
"While working hard, a ditty was humming in his mouth. At that time, in our large family, it was the mother who toiled the hardest, and it was the mother who was the most hungry.
It makes sense for her to cry while pounding wild vegetables, but instead of crying, she sings.
My mother's optimism gave me a sudden sense of security and hope for the future. ”
Parents show positive optimism in the face of hardship, bring children love and hope for life, will make children full of confidence and strength, dare to face various difficulties and challenges in life.
Just like the black father Chris in "When Happiness Knocks", he is a down-and-out salesman, living alone on the streets with his son, although he has experienced a thousand abuses in life, but he strives to bring sunshine to his son.
When he was so embarrassed that he could only take his son to spend the night in a subway public toilet, he likened the toilet to a cave and told him that it was to hide from the dinosaurs.
When they were forced to go to the shelter, Chris studied and sold instruments, and interned hard at a securities company, convinced that if he tried hard enough, happiness would knock on his door.
Eventually, Chris became the only employee of the company to be accepted.
The son told him: You are a good father.
He is indeed a good father, and he has taught his children how not to give up and not be discouraged, and how to laugh at life.
There was a saying circulating on the Internet:
"The meaning of the existence of parents is not to give children a comfortable and prosperous life, but when you think of your parents, your heart will be full of strength, you will feel warmth, so that you have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties, so as to obtain true joy and freedom in life."
At any time, a warm, loving, positive family is the most important gift we should give to our children.
May parents understand that no matter how hard life is, our raised eyebrows, smiling lips, relaxed emotions, and positive attitudes are the sunshine that shines into our children's world.
Give it a thumbs up, hold up a bright and clear sky for your child, and accompany your child to move forward.